Our Big Fat Crazy Road Trip!
by x.Cult Of Personality.x
Summary: What do you get when you mix eight different personalities in one country-wide road trip? Chaos ensues. Featuring Randy Orton/Candice Michelle, Jeff Hardy/Maria, Matt Hardy/Eve Torres, and Edge/Kelly Kelly.
1. Act 1: Dude, Where's My Car?

_**AN: Ok, peeps, here's another new one for ya. Had this one finished a few years ago and finally had the time to upload it. Hope this will be to your liking, and look for daily updates! (Monday-Friday)**_

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**Chapter 1**

One day, Randy Orton, Candice Michelle, Matt Hardy, Eve Torres, Jeff Hardy, Maria Kanellis, Edge, and Kelly Kelly were all hanging out and were bored with nothing to do-until a road trip comes into play! Little did they know, they were in for a series of wild rides...

Act 1 - Dude, Where's My Car? (Intro)

While the others were chilling out, Eve and Edge were in a grueling round of ping pong...

Eve swung the ball towards Edge, hoping that he'd miss, when he forcefully swung the ball back towards her, nearly hitting her in the face. "AH!" she cried. "EDGE, you almost struck me, you jerk!"

"HA! You're just jealous, girlie, cause I beat you again! That's 25 games in a row!" he exclaimed.

"I was tired! I wanted to stop around 45 minutes ago, but NOO, you wouldn't let me!" she argued.

"Ah, you're just upset because this isn't the sport for you. Why don't you just stick to shopping and cooking meals, ok?" he asked with a smirk while she scoffed.

"Shut up, Edge!" she snapped, joining Matt, who was reading a book. "Matt, why didn't you tell him off?"

"Edge, stop harassing Eve or else I'll have to kick your ass." he said quickly, not taking his eyes off the book.

As a reply, Edge stuck his tongue out towards him.

"Uh, Matt, you've been buried in that book all morning! Give your amazing, hyper-fueled girlfriend some attention, will ya?" she asked, pulling the book down.

"Sorry, babe." he smiled, giving her a kiss. "It's just that this book is impossible to put down."

"Whatcha reading?" she asked.

"Uh, Harry Potter." he replied.

"Oh, cool, let me see what page you're on." she said while he moved the book away from her.

"Really Eve, that's not necessary!" he chuckled.

"Matt, what's wrong with you, let me see!" she exclaimed.

"Eve, he's really reading The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. He just put the Harry Potter there to use as a trick cover." Jeff announced, listening to his ipod with Maria.

Matt glared towards him while Eve snatched the Harry Potter book away, saw the real book and asked, "Why lie?"

"It's a good story." he blushed. "I'm gonna get us some punch."

As he headed off, he snatched Jeff's side of his headphones out of his ear while he looked back at him, stunned. "Well, at least I'M not the one reading women's novels!" he called.

"Says the boy who wears women's stockings over his arms when he heads down to the ring." Randy replied, holding Candice in his arms.

"Who asked you?" Jeff cried, putting his side of the headphones back in and tossing a pillow towards him.

"Someone's PMSing today." he replied.

"Oh, stop being mean." Candice replied.

"He started it!" he replied before they shared a kiss.

After that, Kelly entered the room and cried, "Guys, I'm SO hot!"

Edge, who was lazily lying on the ping pong table smiled and said, "I'll say, baby."

"No, I mean, it's like, 98 degrees in here! Can't we go somewhere, get away from this place for a while?" she asked.

"She has a point there. If we stay here all day, we're just gonna whither away in this heat." agreed Maria.

"But even if we go outside, it'll be the same as it is in here." replied Candice.

"Yeah, pools are probably a madhouse, all the ice in town's probably picked over..." agreed Randy.

"Wait. There IS the freezer." Jeff announced. "And Matt's been in there for an awfully long time."

Silence.

"HEY-MATT!" they cried, rushing to the kitchen.

He whipped around. "What, WHAT? OOF!" he cried while the gang nearly shoved him aside and all tried to fit into the freezer at the same time.

"SCOOCH, PEOPLE!" cried Eve.

"I need it, I'm sweating like a pig here!" exclaimed Edge.

"Guys-guys-WAIT A MINUTE!" Matt screamed, when everyone (with icicles over them) turned to him. "Just what the hell is going on here?"

"Hardy, as if you hadn't noticed, it's an oven out there and if we don't find a way to cool off, we're all gonna die." Randy replied. "And I'm pretty sure that you wouldn't want that."

"Yeah, I saw something like this on YouTube once. There was a time lapse video of a bunny decomposing where over a series of days, the flies and insects would devour the bunny from the inside out." explained Edge.

"Poor bunny!" Maria cried, worried.

"Oh, it gets worse! Then, the bunny got bigger and bigger and bigger until...KABOOM! At the end, there was nothing but his rotting corpse and leftover bones." he finished.

"Nmm!" she whined, wrapping her arms around Jeff.

"Dude, you think all that's gonna end up happening to us if we stay in here?" Jeff asked, stunned.

"Oh, I dunno, I just wanted to share that with you guys." Edge replied. "It was cool."

Randy glared at him. "ANYWAY. We gotta do something to get away from this heat. Any suggestions before my passive-aggressiveness rears its head?" he asked.

"Well, evidently the heat's not affecting me in any way, but if you guys are out of it, why don't you just sit in the car with the air conditioning on or something?" asked Matt.

"Hey, that's not a bad idea. In fact, never mind just sitting in the car, let's go someplace!" exclaimed Candice.

"Where?" they asked.

"Anywhere!" she exclaimed. "Let's just get out of this town for a while, no, out of this state for a while!"

"You mean, like a road trip?" asked Kelly.

"Yeah! What do you guys think?" she asked excitedly.

"That sounds like so much fun!" exclaimed Maria.

"Yeah, anything beats just staying in here all day." agreed Jeff. "Count me in."

"Me, too." agreed Randy.

"Me, three!" exclaimed Kelly.

"Me, four!" exclaimed Eve. "We could go shopping while we're out, isn't that GREAT?"

"Oh, gee." Randy said quickly.

"Can we stop to various fast food places along the way so's that I can collect the kids' meal toys?" Edge asked quickly.

Silence. "...Sure, knock yourself out." Candice said slowly.

"YES!"

"Well, that's 7 out of 8. Oh, Matthew?" Jeff asked, turning towards him with the rest of the gang. "It's up to you to cast the deciding vote."

"Uh, in all honesty, us all being trapped in a car together for a long period of time just spells trouble." he replied.

"I want my toys." Edge said darkly. "Hardy, you will not stop me from collecting my toys."

"Come on, Matt, don't be like that! Come with us!" exclaimed Maria.

"PLEASE?" exclaimed Eve. "It won't be the same without you, my Matty bear!"

They all looked at him.

"Matty bear?" asked Randy while Edge laughed.

"Oh, I'm gonna get a kick outta this one." Jeff smirked.

"All right, everyone pack your things and get in the damn car, we're leaving in 15 minutes." he announced grumpily.

"YAY! WHOO-HOO! ROAD TRIP!" they cheered heading off to pack.


	2. Act 1: Dude, Where's My Car? pt 2

**_AN: Thanks for the last round of reviews, guys. Sorry this chapter is a little short, though._  
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**Chapter 2**

Soon after that, the gang was all settled in the 4x4, with Matt driving, Eve in the passenger's seat, and the others sitting behind them.

"Ok, people, so let's make sure we have everything before we go. Laptop with internet access?" he asked.

"Check." replied Kelly.

"GPS?"

"Checkaroo." Edge replied.

"Munchies?"

"Check." Jeff said, eating some chips.

"HEY!" Matt cried, snatching the bag away. "We only eat those when it's absolutely necessary, understand?"

"Fine, don't be a pushover." he muttered, crossing his arms.

"You guys remembered to pack my makeup, right?" asked Kelly.

"And my extra outfits!" added Eve.

"And my shoes, too!" called Candice.

"Well, as long as I have my Enigma, that's all I need." Maria smiled, leaning on his shoulder while he wrapped an arm around her and held her close.

"And all I need is my beautiful redhead, a variety pack of skittles, and my ipod and I am set for life." Jeff smiled back, wrapping her in a passionate kiss.

"Don't worry, everyone, I double checked everything and everything's packed and ready to go." announced Matt. "Now one last time before we head off. Anyone else have to head to the restroom?"

"No-nope-we're good." they replied.

"All right, it's time for some ROAD TRIPPIN, WHOO!" Eve cheered as they drove off. A few seconds later...

_"WAIT!"_ cried Edge.

The car revved back to the hotel.

"Damn it, Edge, hurry it up!" Matt cried while he rushed inside. Soon after that, he got back in the car and said, "Well, what are we waiting for, let's get to those Happy Meal toys!"

So after that, they drove off for real this time and not long after that, they were on the road.

"Anyone want any bonbons?" asked Eve.

"Me!" Candice said, taking a couple before resting on Randy's shoulder. "Oh, baby, isn't this trip gonna be so much fun?"

"The fun will begin for me after I take a couple of pills first." he replied, putting a hand on his forehead while he wrapped the other around her.

"Why? You getting a headache already?" she asked. "We haven't even been out for 20 minutes yet."

"I just have the feeling that maybe we won't all coexist in here if our buddy Edge back here won't stop kicking my damned seat-EDGE, KNOCK IT OFF!" he screamed, whipping around.

Stunned, he and Kelly broke away from their kiss when he replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, Rand, it's just, Kelly kissed me in that spot that drives me crazy and my leg gets all excited when that happens, so there's your answer." he said quickly.

"Yeah. Just leave me and my seat alone." Randy muttered.

"Randy?" asked Candice.

"Yeah, Candy?"

"You sure you still need those pills when you have me?" she asked before wrapping him in an immensely passionate kiss, while his leg accidentally kicked the back of Matt's seat.

"HEY!" Matt cried.

After they broke away, he smiled and chuckled. "Wow, you're a piece of work, Candy." he replied.

"Bonbon, Matt?" asked Eve.

"No thanks, Eviekins." he replied. "So, before you go on a rant about it, what stores should I stop at first?"

"I don't care, you choose. So, uh, about that book you were hiding from me." she began.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"No, it's nice that you're in touch with your feminine side! At this rate, you can go shopping with me and help me choose the best bras and panties to wear!" she exclaimed while the guys behind them stifled their laughter.

"Panties." squeaked Edge.

Embarassed, Matt blushed and said, "Eve, can we talk about this later?"

"But I was gonna ask you on your input on whether I should buy low cuts or thongs!" she exclaimed while the guys laughed harder.

"Bonbon, Eve?" he asked, shutting her up.


	3. Act 1: Dude, Where's My Car? pt 3

**Chapter 3**

Hours later, the gang was caught in the middle of a traffic jam...

"Dude, how long are we gonna be here, man?" asked Jeff. "This view bites."

"At this rate, we'll go past that sign in about 25 minutes." Matt replied flatly.

While they were silent for a while, Edge spoke up and said, "Hey, people, let's sing a road song to pass the time!"

"NO!" they all complained.

"Great, I'll start! Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care! Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care, Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't CAAAAARE-" he sang loudly and badly before Kelly screamed in terror. "AAH!"

"What?" they cried.

"Get it away, it's trying to drool on me!" she cried, slithering over to Edge's side and grabbing his arm while avoiding the cow who stuck its head in the window.

"Oh look, a cow!" exclaimed Maria. "Hi, cow!"

"Oh, kill me now." Randy muttered.

Later...

The gang stopped at White Castle and were at the drive through...

"Ok, and who ordered the Kids Meal?" called Matt.

"MINE!" Edge exclaimed, snatching the bag and looking at the toy, which was a small book with a bear on it. "What the hell is this?" he asked darkly.

"That's what came with the meal, sweetie." replied Kelly, sipping on a smoothie. "See, Corduroy learns his ABC's and 123's!"

"Yeah, but they promised me a toy that would bring countless hours of enjoyment! THIS! This is not THAT!" he cried.

"Are you gonna eat that food?" asked Randy.

"PAWS OFF, ORTON! We've got a crisis here, dammit! I say we head back to that window and get me a new toy!" he cried.

"Edge, come on, just be happy with what you have!" exclaimed Jeff.

"Well, at least you can use that book to read yourself to sleep at night." chuckled Matt. "Hey-o!"

He threw a paper bag at him.

"Forget it." he finished.

"Seriously, I'm extremely upset and I won't stop complaining until I find some form of entertainment, all right? Cause I'm Edge and I-" he began.

"HERE!" Jeff snapped, throwing a wrench at him. "Now will you please shut up?"

"A wrench?" he asked, confused. "What the hell am I supposed to do with this?"

"I dunno, use your imagination." he replied. "Bash yourself in the head with it."

"Oh yeah, well, why don't I just stick this thing up your-" began Edge.

"If you go there, I'll ram this joystick down your damn throat and then beat ya with it!" Jeff cried, grabbing a joystick from off of the floor.

"Jeff, stop!" cried Maria.

"Yeah, Edge, just sit down and forget it." agreed Kelly.

The two followed their girlfriends' orders and pouted.

"So, where are we now, anyway?" asked Candice.

"Uh, looks like we're somewhere near Vermont, I think." replied Matt. "I'm approaching a bridge right now."

The bridge was one of those collapsing bridges that lifted up from each end, to allow the boats to cruise through the middle.

"Dude, you better gun it, that thing's about to rise up any minute now." replied Jeff.

"Don't worry, bro, we'll make it to the other side in no time." he replied, while the bridge was heading upwards.

"Seriously, Matt, we better hurry here." said Eve.

"Will you people relax? We'll make it across in time." he replied. As it kept getting higher, Randy cried, "Oh, scoot over!" before he stepped on the pedal and shot the car over the bridge before it totally rose to the top.

"Orton, what are you doing?" cried Matt.

"Everyone, hold on!" he cried.

The gang screamed in terror, flying over the water, through the air, and landing on the other side of the bridge, but the car didn't move much after that once it slowed down to a stop in a wooded area.

"You guys ok?" asked Randy.

"Yeah-Think so." they replied.

"Well, thanks a heap, Orton! Thanks to you, we could've been KILLED!" Matt cried. "Now I'm still the driver, get back to your seat!"

He gave him a look. "Don't tell me what to do." he replied.

"Guys, this car's probably shot by now." said Candice.

"Seems fine to me." Matt replied before the hubcaps and tires flew off of the car, slamming it to the ground.

"What the hell?" cried Edge. "What just happened?"

"Well, Edge, it appears that we've just lost our tires, thanks to someone who COULDN'T WAIT FOR 5 MINUTES!" Matt cried towards Randy.

"Oh, don't give me that look! If it wasn't for me, we'd still be over there!" he argued.

"Guys, guys, enough arguing, let's just get our things and get outta here." Maria replied.

"Yeah, this is just a minor setback." agreed Jeff.

So, they did and grabbed all their things while Randy and Matt muttered things and looked at one another.

"...Guy blaming me for...I don't need this...got enough problems of my own..." Randy muttered, grabbing his suitcase.

"Are you mumbling about me behind my back?" he demanded.

"...can do whatever the hell I want...can't stop me..." he continued, glaring at him as he headed off.

"Why YOU-"

"Matt, calm it down, it's over, let's move on, ok?" Eve asked. "I brought the bonbons!"

"Swell." he replied.

Meanwhile, Maria and Jeff looked at the damage and she said, "Wow. I know we made a crash landing, but not like this."

"Yeah, the wheels flew clean off." agreed Jeff. "Well, guys, we gotta find a Plan B."

"Well, what are we supposed to do now, walk?" asked Kelly. "These aren't even my good walking shoes!"

"We don't have much of a choice, Kel." he replied. "We can't stay here and wait for help when nobody knows that we're here."

"Yeah, let's just see where we are first and call for a tow truck or something." Maria agreed while the gang headed off. But when they did, they heard a loud, *KABOOM!*

Shocked, the gang turned around to find their car suddenly blow up and catch on fire!

"...Crap." Randy muttered, while the gang looked on in shock.


	4. Act 1: Dude, Where's My Car? pt 4

**Chapter 4**

"Oh-oh, my GOD!" exclaimed Eve, still not taking her eyes off of the charred vehicle. "How the hell-how could this happen?"

"Look, at least we still have our health!" exclaimed Maria with a weak smile. "Heh."

"AND the skittles!" exclaimed Jeff.

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, none of this would've been possible without the help of our dear pal Randy Orton for driving us off of a moving bridge and towards our near death. Round of applause!" Matt said sarcastically.

"Oh, don't you get all smart with me, like I said, if you'd just moved the damn car a little faster, we'd be miles away from here by now!" Randy argued.

"Hey, if YOU hadn't stopped me, we'd still HAVE a damn car right about now, so don't pin the blame on me!" he argued back.

Then, before the guys could get in each others' faces, their girlfriends broke them up while Edge whistled sharply.

"MAINTAIN!" he cried, while everyone turned to him.

"Now look, we have a major crisis on our hands, but I know just the solution!" he exclaimed.

Silence.

"This is all YOUR fault-DON'T pin all this on me-" they continued fighting.

"So rude." Kelly said, shaking her head.

"Yeah, don't worry, this'll get their attention." he said, before he picked up a large tree branch and hurled it towards the group, the six of them ducking and barely missing it.

"HEY! What the hell was that for, you jerk?" demanded Jeff.

Smiling, he said, "Now that I've got your attention again, let me finish. We will camp here for the night. Then tomorrow morning, we'll find a mode of transportation and while we're here, let's just enjoy what Vermont has to offer, ok? Is that so DAMN much to ask?"

More silence. "Wow, that was the first smart thing he said in months." Randy said, stunned.

"Thanks-heh?" he replied.

"All right, we'll stay. But first thing in the morning, we're outta here." replied Matt. "Let's set up camp, I guess."

"Yo, Rainbow Boy, Rainbow Girl, you hear the plan, right?" Edge called to Jeff and Maria.

He finished putting out the flames from the car while he called, "Loud and clear!"

"And look, I found a charred wrench thingy!" Maria exclaimed, holding up Edge's wrench.

"MY BUDDY!" Edge cried. "NOO!"

Randy sighed. "Candy, I love you more than anyone, but this trip definitely wasn't one of your best ideas." he told her.

She sighed back. "No, I agree, babe. But let's look on the bright side!"

"WHAT bright side?" he asked, looking at the gang. Kelly was over a grieving Edge, Matt angrily kicked a crappy looking tent down , Eve was pigging out on bonbons, and Jeff and Maria were playfully chasing one another around the charred vehicle.

"Damn." Candice concluded. "We're doomed, aren't we?"

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That night, the gang managed to set up a tent and had a nice campfire going...

"Ahh. Now isn't this relaxing?" Edge sighed happily, holding Kelly is his arms. "Just some good friends sitting around a nice warm campfire, without a care in the world?"

"Yeah, it is pretty nice. Of course, it would be nicer and safer if we still HAD OUR CAR WITH US!" Matt shouted grumpily.

"Matt, please just calm down, the damage is already done." Eve replied, eating another bonbon. "You gotta admit, us all being here together is pretty nice, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I guess." he smiled at her, kissing her forehead.

"Aww, this is great! Hey, to pass the time, let's talk about something." announced Candice.

"Can I tell you the story of my life?" asked Edge.

"NO." they replied.

"Puh." he grumbled.

"I know! Let's share our deepest darkest secrets." announced Kelly.

"Yeah! And let's have Mr. Quiet, Randy start us off." Candice agreed, looking up at him.

"Aw, can I go last or something? I still have a splitting headache." he replied.

"Come on, Rand, you gotta have something you haven't spilled to anyone." replied Jeff. "We're all friends here, we won't laugh. Maybe."

He sighed. "All right. But if a single one of you even stifles a chuckle, I'll kick your heads clean off." he said threateningly. "A few years ago, I was watching 60 Minutes and Connie Chung was the guest. Turns out that morning after, I woke up and realized that...I had a wet dream about her." he said, traumatized.

Everyone stared at him in shock.

"WHAT ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT?" he demanded.

"Oh my God. Randy, is this why you're always so angry?" asked Candice.

He nodded.

"I'm so sorry." she replied.

"I need a moment to collect my feelings. Anyone else want to confess next?" he asked.

"How about you, Jeff?" asked Maria.

"Me? Oh, I don't have any secrets left in me." he replied.

"Oh, sure you do, little bro!" exclaimed Matt. "Remember that time back when I was 7 and you were 4 and we were at the petting zoo?"

"Matt, knock it off." he replied.

"No, what happened?" asked Kelly.

"Oh, it's Jeff's secret to tell. Tell em, Jeff." he replied, smirking towards him.

He glared back at Matt.

"Trust me, Hardy. If I could tell what I just told, then you sure as hell can admit what you have to say." Randy replied.

"Fine. So we were at the petting zoo once and Matt and I were by the chimpanzee exhibit. We wanted to have a little fun with em and we jumped around and pretended to be like them. Turns out though, that they weren't amused, so they start throwing giant turds at us. And what does Matt do to protect his one and only little brother? He uses me as his shield." Jeff said, shooting a look towards him.

They gasped. "Matt!" cried Eve.

"What?" he asked with a chuckle.

"But wait, there's more! I'm sitting there crying, so Matt freaks out, not knowing what to do, so he drags me away from the place and there are suddenly snakes, gorillas, birds, and lions chasing after us through the whole park! After that, Matt was grounded and we never went to a zoo again." he finished.

"Aww! My poor Enigma!" Maria exclaimed, lacing her fingers with his. "Matt, how could you do such a thing to your own brother?"

Edge laughed. "Low blow, dude."

"Hey, I was young back then, I didn't know what I was doing and see, Jeff lived to tell the story!" he argued. "Right, dude?"

He looked at him. "I'm upset now. Eve, hand me some of those bonbons, please."

"Sure!" she replied. "Hey, Kelly, it's your turn to tell us your secret!"

"Uh...well, I haven't admit this to anyone yet, but I've always wanted to kiss a girl. Just to see what it's like." she smiled.

"Heh heh HEY!" Edge exclaimed excitedly. "I'd like to see that as well!"

"Well, I have before." admit Candice.

"Heh?" Randy exclaimed, shocked.

"Yeah, it was nice." she replied.

"With WHO?" he exclaimed.

Maria giggled. "With me." she smiled.

Jeff nearly choked on his bonbon and replied, "YOU?"

"You want to show em, Ria?" asked Candice.

"Yeah! Kel, watch and learn." she replied, before she and Candice leaned in to share a sweet kiss on the lips.

"WHOOHOO!" Jeff and Randy high fived, intrigued.

Matt covered his eyes while Eve laughed. "Can we stop this before it escalates into something worse?" he asked.

"I wanna try!" Kelly exclaimed, kissing both Maria and Candice on the lips. "Ooh hoo hoo, that was cool!"

Edge was still in awe. "That was the single greatest thing I've ever seen in my life."

"Eve, join us!" exclaimed Candice.

"Okay!" she replied, but before she could go anywhere, Matt held her down. "Down, girl." he replied.

"Aww, come on, Matt, don't be such a downer!" she exclaimed. "Why don't you tell us a secret of yours?"

"Oh, we already know his secret, he reads women's literature." Jeff smirked.

"Look, LITTLE BOY, I-" he began. "Hey, you guys hear that?"

*rustle rustle*

"Yeah. What is that?" asked Kelly.

"Cute little squirrels?" asked Maria.

"The mole people?" asked Edge.

"No, it's like...somebody else is here." replied Matt.

Then, Candice turned around to find two figures scurrying away through the woods. "Look over there!" she cried.

Randy caught them running off, grabbed a random baseball bat and sped after them yelling, "STOP, THIEF!"

"What'd they steal?" called Edge.

Then, he came back and said, "They got away."

"You know, even though there are 8 of us out here, I suddenly don't feel so safe. I think we oughta find some type of shelter." announced Maria.

"Like that place over there?" Jeff asked, pointing to a building a little while ahead.

Interested, the gang looked towards the place, curious to see who was inside.


	5. Act 2: That Voodoo That You Do!

**Chapter 5**

Act 2 - That Voodoo that You Do! (Fun times in Vermont!)

The gang approached this huge mansion and stood in front of the door.

"Soo...who's going to knock?" asked Jeff.

"I ain't doing it." replied Edge. "What if some deranged killer's in there and keeps us locked in a basement for 28 years?"

"It IS pretty strange for some random mansion to just be here in the outskirts of town." agreed Kelly.

"Well, it doesn't hurt to try. It's better than staying out here where God-Knows what'll jump out to get us." Candice replied, about to knock the door, but she coiled back into Randy's arms at the last minute. "Oh, I can't do it!" she cried.

"Look, let's just head back to camp. We have at least 6 hours until sunrise and..." Matt began while they turned away, but before they could leave, the door whipped open and this tall, skinny guy with a mustache called, "WAAAIIT, don't leave, children!"

They turned around.

"Who you calling children?" demanded Randy.

"Sorry, allow me to introduce myself. "My name is Norman Muenster, owner of the Muenster hotel and suite!" he exclaimed.

"Muenster? Like the cheese?" asked Edge.

"YEES!" he exclaimed, patting him on the head while he gave him a look.

"Muenster hotel and suite? I've never heard of this place before." replied Matt.

"It's the only one in existence!" he replied. "Please, come in!"

The gang headed inside and looked around.

"Wow. I see an antiqueness about the place." said Candice.

"Yes, it was built back in 1795, when my great, great, great, great grandfather won the land after winning his part in the Revolutionary war." he explained.

"Yeah, save us the history lesson and tell us where the chow is." Edge replied.

"So, do you people have a place to stay for the night?" asked Norman.

"No, actually. See, we were on a road trip and our car ended up exploding, so we ended up here and we have no idea where we are." explained Maria.

"Oh, dear. Please, I insist. You must stay here until you find another way to get to where you have to go." he said.

"Uh, that's all right, we'll just hitchhike and hope that nobody attacks and kills us, thanks." Randy replied, headed to the door before Norman quickly blocked it.

"NO, TOUCH THAT DOOR AND DIE!" he freaked out.

They were stunned.

"Excuse me?" demanded Randy.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry. It's just...*sniffles* I haven't had any guests in so long. I've felt so lonely. Each and every day I look in the mirror and talk to my own reflection because I never have anybody else to talk to!" he began crying.

Maria sniffled along. "Oh, I can't imagine not having any friends!" she exclaimed, wiping away a tear.

"Aw, don't buy what this quack's feeding you." replied Edge. "He's just trying to make us feel bad to make us stay here with him."

"Each and every night I cry myself to sleep thinking about how miserable I am. Sometimes, I end up choking on my own tears." he continued while Candice stopped him and said, "Hey, hey, Norm, it's ok. We'll be happy to stay here, ok?"

"You WILL?" he exclaimed.

"If it'll get you to stop blubbering." replied Randy.

"OH, JOY!" he exclaimed, jumping up and down. "Oh, I oughta kiss each and every one of you for-"

"HEY! Look, we're just staying here for one night and one night only. First thing tomorrow morning, we're outta here." replied Matt.

"Ok, ok! Please, look around the place and choose which rooms you'd like to stay in for the night." he said.

"Wait, if this is supposed to be a hotel, where are the maids?" asked Kelly.

"I'm the maid, the cook, the butler, all of it!" he exclaimed.

"...Riiight. Well, I guess we'll give you a call if we need anything. I guess. Let's go, Ria." Jeff said, leading her away while each couple headed off into a different room.


	6. Act 2: That Voodoo That You Do! pt 2

**Chapter 6**

Edge and Kelly entered one room and looked around to find one queen sized bed, the walls stained, a dirty window and a dusty lamp.

"Fun times." Edge announced, tossing his bag on the bed where dust flew up. "Wow, really?"

"Edge, we can't stay in here, this is totally unsanitary!" Kelly exclaimed.

"What choice do we have, Kel? It's only for one night and besides, with you and I finally alone, you'll be too distracted to sleep. Wink wink." he smirked, wrapping his arms around her.

"Oh, really? What are we gonna do?" she smirked back, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Something filthier than how this room is right now." he replied before they threw themselves on the bed and began making out, but before they could get any further, Norman bursted in the room with a cart and cried, "ROOM SERVICE!"

"AAH!" they screamed, whipping around.

"...Hi." he said.

"What the hell are you doing here? I'm trying to knock boots with my lady here, so get out!" Edge snapped.

"But...I brought you some food." he replied.

While Edge was reeling, Kelly smiled and said, "Thanks. What'd you bring?"

"Steak and ribs!" he exclaimed. "Everyone needs some protein to grow. Especially this growing young man right here." he smiled, looking into Edge's eyes and running a hand through his hair. "Such beautiful locks of hair." he muttered while Edge looked mortified.

"Duuude..." he said, backing away while Kelly said, "Uh, that'll be all. Thanks for the food."

"Very well. Just give me a ring if you need anything else. Especially you, you blonde hunk." he winked towards Edge before he left.

After that, they were silent.

"Soo...why was that dude trying to feel me up like I was his sex toy?" Edge asked, scared.

"I-I don't know. Hey, let's forget about him and have some steak!" she smiled.

"NO! God knows what that perv slipped in that meat!" he cried, kicking the tray out of the window. "Now that that's done, take off your clothes and we'll forget that any of this happened." he smirked.

* * *

Meanwhile, Jeff was in the shower, minding his own business when he didn't hear someone come in the room.

"Hmmhmm..." he hummed, running his fingers through his hair when he saw a shadow approaching him through the curtain. "Hey, Maria, you here to join me?" he smirked, peeking out to find Norman smiling at him with a ducky hand puppet. "HELLO!" he greeted.

"Oh, my God!" Jeff screamed, covering himself behind the curtain and falling down. "What the HELL are you doing in here?"

"I came to see if you needed anything. Why shouldn't I come in here?" he asked.

He looked at him. "...I am taking a SHOWER, do you mind?" he cried.

"...Can I help to scrub you? You're looking awful lonely in here." replied Norman. "By the way, I love that Southern accent of yours!"

"What the hell's wrong with you? HELP! SOMEBODY HELP!" Jeff cried.

Soon after that, Maria kicked the door open and bursted in, armed with a hot blow-dryer. "WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?" she cried.

They looked back at her.

"Uh...why are you in here while my boyfriend's in the shower?" she asked slowly.

"I came to see if he needed anything." he replied.

"No, Maria, please get him out of here, he's trying to violate me!" Jeff cried.

"Norm, it's not nice to interrupt people while they're taking a shower, so please leave." Maria said.

"But-"

"Dude, I said GET THE FUCK OUT!" Maria demanded, shoving him out. "Jeffro, you ok?"

He shook his head. "No." he replied, scared.

* * *

Meanwhile...

"I don't know what that Norman guy's thinking, running a dump like this and expecting people to stay here." Matt said, reading his book while Eve gave him a massage. "I oughta call the health inspector to close this place down."

"Wow, Matt, are you always this uptight?" asked Eve. "You need to learn how to chill."

"What do you mean? I like to chill." he replied.

"You sure don't show it much. Look, are you still upset with me after I kept harassing you about that book?" she asked. "I'm sorry if you wanted to keep it a secret."

"Well, you could've left that alone, but I could never be upset at someone like you. In fact, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't even be on this trip right now." he replied.

"So do you still love me? Even if I force you to promise me to take me lingerie shopping?" she asked innocently.

He smiled. "When don't I love you?" he replied.

"Aww..." she smiled back, wrapping him in a passionate kiss. After she tossed his book aside, she leaped into his lap and resumed kissing him, right when Norman bursted in the room and called, "FIRE!"

"FIRE?" the two cried, leaping up and heading to the door when Norman laughed. "No, there's no fire, calm down!"

They looked at him. "No fire? Then why the hell did you do that for?" demanded Matt.

"I was just demonstrating a fire drill. You know, in case there was a chance that this place would burn down." he replied.

"Oh, I'll burn this place down if you want me to." he replied angrily.

"Matt." Eve replied. "Look, if you're done here, Norm, we were just about to go to sleep, so will you leave us please?"

Meanwhile, he ignored everything she was saying, looked at Matt, and said, "My, what a nice goatee you have. How DO you keep that form?" he asked, running a hand across his cheek.

"Uh, I don't know where the hell your hands have been!" he cried, quickly backing away.

"Look, mister, just get the hell outta here, ok?" cried Eve.

"Ok, ok! See you lovelies in the hap-hap-happy morning!" he exclaimed, heading out.

"What the hell was that?" she demanded.

"Eve, if you need me, I'll be in the sink trying to boil my face." he replied, scrubbing the rest of Norm off of him.

* * *

Meanwhile, Randy was doing push ups while Candice watched him.

"Well, at least I have my hot boyfriend doing push ups to distract me from the unpleasantness of this room." she smiled.

"A crappy room doesn't mean I gotta lose my amazing form." he replied.

She giggled. "How many are you on now?" she asked.

"114. But I need a new challenge. Sit on my back." he said.

"What? Randall, is this your way of calling me fat?" she smirked.

"Not at all! See, the challenge is seeing whether or not I get distracted with a beautiful lady like you watching over me." he replied.

"Oh! Well, in that case..." she replied, sitting on his back. "Continue."

As he went on, he smiled. "See? Light as a feather."

She laughed, moving up and down on him. "You know, this turns me on."

He chuckled. "This turns me on, too...Ah, hell, the floor isn't THAT bad." he replied, quickly grabbing her and placing her on the floor while he hovered over her and the two began a full on make out session-right when Norman bursted in the room. "HEY!" he exclaimed.

They looked up at him.

"...Why are you here?" demanded Randy.

"Just came to check up on you. So whatcha two doing on the floor?" he asked.

"...None of your damned business?" he replied back.

"Ooh, you're sweating. Have you been working out?" asked Norm.

"Why would you want to know?" asked Candice, raising an eyebrow.

"Just wondering. I, uh, just happen to like seeing guys sweat. Especially a fit one like him." he replied.

Randy looked creeped out, grabbed him by the collar, and replied, "Listen, freak show. Now I don't know what you're on, but if you even THINK about making a move on me, I'll personally RKO you out of that window right there. And it won't be pretty." he whispered darkly.

"Eh, o-ok then! I'll uh, see you two in the morning, then! Toodle oo!" he exclaimed, speeding out of the room in fear.

Silence.

"Well, that wasn't creepy." Candice said, shocked.

"You're telling me. I don't even know if I can go to sleep with that creeper lurking around here." he replied.


	7. Act 2: That Voodoo That You Do! pt 3

**Chapter 7**

That night, the gang kept thinking about their encounters with Norm, along with the creepiness of the hotel itself...

"No..no...no.. GET AWAY FROM ME, DAMN IT!" Jeff screamed, tossing and turning in his sleep.

Maria woke up and saw him screaming, and shook him awake. "Jeff, Jeffro, wake up!"

"AAH!" he cried, springing up.

"AAH!" she screamed in reply.

"Ria?" he asked, his chest heaving up and down.

"Don't worry, Enigma, it was just a nightmare." she replied, wrapping him in a hug. "I'm here."

"Thank God." he replied, wrapping his arms around her and lying back down while she lied on his chest.

"Mind telling me what the dream was about?" she asked.

"That creepy Norm who tried to get me in the shower earlier. I dreamt that he was wearing a Pedobear mask and tried to violate me in ways I couldn't even describe." he replied.

"Aww, it's ok." she said, giving him a kiss. "I know! You can get your mind off of him by thinking about your little skittle instead?"

He smiled. "Now that, I won't have a problem with." he replied, wrapping her in a passionate kiss. "I love you."

"I love you too, Enigma." she replied, smiling back. But before they could do anything, they heard the doorknob rattling.

"What the-" muttered Jeff.

"Who could that be?" she asked. "Wait, you don't think it's...HIM, do you?"

"He's probably come back for me. Well, I'm not taking that lying down." he said, getting up.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

He grabbed a crowbar. "Stay in here. I'm gonna take care of him once and for all." he replied, approaching the door.

"Please be careful, baby." she said, nervously pulling the blanket over her chin. He cautiously approached the door before he used one hand to swing the door open and leaped out with his crowbar, to meet Randy (with his bat), Edge (with a curling iron), and Matt (with a pocketknife).

"AAH!" they shouted, realizing that they met with each other instead.

"Hey, what the hell's going on here?" demanded Jeff. "Where's Norm?"

"I'm guessing you thought it was him at your door, too, huh?" asked Randy.

"Dudes, I had the worst nightmare about him a few minutes ago, I can't even tell you." Matt replied.

"Same here." agreed Jeff.

"So, uh, will I need this curling iron or not?" asked Edge.

Silence.

"Edge? Why did you bring a curling iron as a weapon?" Randy asked slowly.

"It's Kelly's. See, I couldn't find anything else so..." he replied.

"...You're an idiot." Matt finished.

"I know you are, but what am I?" he asked quickly.

"Guys, guys, what's going on?" Candice asked, joining them along with Eve and Kelly.

"Did you find Norm?" asked Kelly.

"Nope, thank God." replied Matt. "Guys, let's just pack our things and get outta here while we still can."

"Yeah, good plan. Maybe-" began Eve.

_"AAAAAAHHHHHH!"_ Maria screamed from a distance.

"Maria?" Jeff asked, peeking into their room to find her missing. "MARIA!" he cried, running in her direction while the others followed.

They turned a few hallways when Candice said, "Sounds like she's coming from the den!"

Then, they reached the den to find Maria standing on a table. "Guys!" she exclaimed.

"Maria, you all right, baby?" Jeff asked, approaching her.

"No, RATS!" she screamed, pointing to the floor where a hoard of rats were scurrying around.

"AAH!" they screamed, leaping onto tables and chairs.

Edge tried moving onto a chair where it toppled over, but before a rat was about to bite him, he leaped onto a chair with Kelly. "Move over, babycakes!"

"Edge, stop shaking the chair-EEK!" she cried when they both fell to the floor. While they both shrieked and headed to another place to hide, Randy grabbed his bat and tried to kill the rats with it. "Die, you little bastards, DIE!" he screamed.

"Wait, Randy, don't kill them!" cried Maria. "Even thought they're rats, they're still animals!"

"Well, what do you want me to do, just leave em here so's that they can keep eating away at us?" he called back.

Next, Norm came in and cried, "MY RATS! What the hell's going on here?"

"Look, you spend all your time in this place and the least you could do is get rid of these little beasts!" snapped Eve.

"NO! These rats, these rats are MY ONLY TRUE FRIENDS!" he cried, guarding all of them. "And I'll be damned if I let you people kill them."

"Well, what are we supposed to do in the meantime?" demanded Jeff.

Norm looked at them.

A few minutes later...

The gang was thrown out of the building, along with all of their luggage.

"And STAY OUT!" he cried.

"Well, that was just about the most repulsive hotel I've ever stayed in." concluded Edge. "We didn't even get those free towels!"

"Never mind that, Edge, I'm glad we were kicked outta there. If I had to spend another minute in there I don't know what I'd do." replied Kelly.

"Well, the good news is that it's almost sunrise, so we can keep walking without the fear of getting mugged." smiled Candice.

"Don't worry, Candy-Cane. If anything should happen, we got insurance." Randy smirked, carrying his bat.


	8. Act 2: That Voodoo That You Do! pt 4

**Chapter 8**

So the gang continued walking for what seemed like hours, and they still didn't know where they were...

"What time is it now?" asked Eve.

"Quarter to eight." replied Matt. "Seems like we've been walking forever."

"Wow, we really are in Vermont. It's freezing out here." Maria said, shivering.

"Well, let your Enigma take care of that." Jeff replied, putting his jacket over her shoulders. "Better?"

She smiled. "Much! Thank you." she replied, reaching up and giving him a kiss.

The other girls looked jealous and then looked up at their guys. "What about us?" they asked at the same time.

Edge, Randy, and Matt smirked at one another before giving the girls their jackets.

"Happy now, girlies?" asked Edge.

"Very. Ladies, we have the greatest boyfriends ever, don't we?" asked Candice.

"Totally-For sure!" they agreed.

"So, uh, anyone know any good walking songs?" asked Edge.

"How about I'ma Stick My Foot Down Your Throat If You Open Your Mouth Again?" asked Jeff.

He looked confused. "I'm not familiar with that one. It is a Country tune?" he asked.

"Oh." he sighed.

"Hey, guys, look!" Kelly exclaimed, seeing a snack truck up ahead. "It may not be breakfast, but it's something to eat!"

"Awesome. Who's buying?" asked Randy.

They all looked at him.

He sighed. "Whatever." he replied.

A few minutes later, the gang got 'breakfast' while trying to figure out where they were...

"Mmm, these are good fries, Rand." Edge announced. "And NACHOS, WHOOHOO! This road trip's finally gettin good!"

"Ok, gang, so we might as well start figuring out exactly where we are from here and where we should go." announced Randy.

"First, we gotta find a car or something. I can't take much more of this walking." replied Jeff. "Hey, Matt?"

"Hmm?" he asked, still reading his book.

"Are you gonna join us here or what?" he asked.

"You're STILL reading that book?" asked Maria. "I don't think it's even that long."

"I know. This is my 6th time reading it." he replied.

"Dude, come on. I know, reading is a wonderful, wonderful thing that more people should do, but there's a time for you to chill with your friends, too, all right?" asked Jeff, taking the book away.

"Dude, give it back!" he cried.

"Not until you join us." he replied, putting the book away.

"Aw, come on! That book was the only getaway I had from you insane people! It was the only way I could keep my sanity!" he cried.

"Hey, I'm the only one who's supposed to be worrying about his sanity, all right? Now, let's go." Randy said.

*THUMP!*

They stopped. "What was that?" he asked.

Eve headed towards the source and smiled. "It's-it's..."

The others joined her though the bushes.

"MONEEEEYYYYYY!" Edge cried happily, speeding to the large cube of money along with the others.

They happily played in the money while Jeff cried, "WE'RE RICH! Kiss me, baby!" he exclaimed, sharing a passionate kiss with Maria. "I could buy every Kawasaki bike in this world!"

"I could buy every shopping store in every mall in the world!" exclaimed Maria.

"I could buy my very own farm and raise the animals to cause havoc all over the world! HAHA!" laughed Edge.

Silence.

"Well, I would." he finished.

"Maybe a break from that book is good after all." Matt smiled, looking at the money. "Hey, wait a minute. This isn't real cash."

"What are you talking about?" asked Eve.

"Does real money have crayon scribbles of smiley faces drawn on em?" he demanded.

They were silent.

"Well, I knew nothing good could ever happen to us." Randy said, heading off.

"That's a nice thought." smirked Candice. "We got all excited for nothing."

"Who would put fake money there in the first place, anyway?" asked Jeff.

Maria gasped. "The same person who stole our food?" she cried.

"No!-Aw, come on!" they cried.

"Who had the nerve to steal my nachos? I'm gonna murder em." Edge said, shaking his head.

"Forget the nachos, who the hell would steal half eaten food?" demanded Randy.

"Probably a hobo." replied Candice. "C'mon, guys, let's just keep walking and hope for a miracle."

As they headed off, Randy kept exclaiming, "This is B.S.! I paid flipping 15 bucks for that crap outta my own wallet! I swear if anyone tries to swindle us again, they'll meet my foot kicking their ass!"


	9. Act 2: That Voodoo That You Do! pt 5

**Chapter 9**

Later...

"Oh, my aching-OOF!" complained Edge, slamming into a sign. "How long must we suffer this?"

"Maybe not for long." Matt said. "Guys, check it out."

The gang approached a sign. "'The 75th annual Vermont Pumpkin Rengatta starting today at 10:00 sharp.'" read Kelly. "What's that?"

"Hey, I've heard of those. It's where you grow these giant pumpkins and race them down the river for some type of prize." announced Candice.

"Really? Hmm. This may sound crazy, but you guys think that this could be a mode of transportation for us?" asked Randy.

"Riding in a pumpkin through the river? Yeah, if it'll get us somewhere, then I say let's go for it!" exclaimed Jeff.

"Yeah!-Sounds fun!" they agreed, heading off.

...

Soon after that, the gang reached civilization, where a whole bunch of people were tending to their pumpkin shaped boats.

"Wow..." they said, amazed.

"That's a big seed." Edge whistled. "I wish my seeds were that big."

"Ugh, Edge, stop." Kelly replied.

"C'mon, let's ask if we can use a couple of em to get outta here." said Randy.

"Excuse me? Are you the moderator of this race?" Candice asked a guy.

"Sure am. You folks entering the race?" he asked.

"Not exactly. See, we're on a road trip and our car exploded yesterday, leaving us without a ride." explained Kelly.

"Oh, that's terrible! Should I call for a car for you guys to rent?" he asked.

"Well, that would be nice, but we think using a few pumpkins to row would be more fun." Eve replied with a smile.

"Wait, I don't think this is such a great idea. Let's take the car." replied Matt.

"Don't listen to him, the 7 of us want pumpkins. Not to race or anything, but do you have any spares?" asked Edge.

"I think I could spare a few. I have four vacant ones, so you'll have to partner up. Think you can handle the ride?" he asked.

"No." replied Matt.

"Sure!-Yeah!-It'll be fun!" they exclaimed.

"What could go wrong?" asked Jeff.

...

A few minutes later, each couple was in their own pumpkin, trying to row along the rough waters and had to hold on for their lives.

"AAH!" they screamed, tossing and turning everywhere.

"WE'RE GONNA DIE!" screamed Edge.

"THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA!" screamed Maria.

"WHAT'D I TELL YOU? WE COULD'VE TAKEN THE CAR, BUT NOOO, NOBODY EVER LISTENS TO ME!" cried Matt.

"Matty bear, just stop screaming and ROOOOWWW!" Eve cried, terrified.

"ARE YOU GUYS KIDDING, I'M HAVING A BLAST! WOOHOO!" Jeff cheered.

"YOU'D ENJOY BEING THROWN IN AN AVALANCHE, HARDY!" Randy called.

"I KNOW!" he agreed.

Then, from a distance, Candice saw something familiar. "GUYS! I-I THINK I SEE SOMETHING!" she cried.

"WHAT?" they exclaimed.

"UH...IT'S HARD TO SEE, BUT I THINK IT'S THE STATUE OF LIBERTY!" she exclaimed.

"WE'RE NEAR NEW YORK! GUYS, LET'S HEAD THERE, C'MON!" called Randy.

"NEW YORK? THAT MEANS...SHOPPING! YAY!" cheered Eve. "MATT, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?"

"NO..." he groaned.

"LINGERIE SHOPPING, WHOOOO!" she cheered.

"NO!" Matt cried as they all rowed to the Big Apple on their next destination...


	10. Act 3: The New York City Massacre

**Chapter 10**

Act 3 - The New York City Massacre

After a few hours, the gang arrived to the busy streets of Manhattan, and strolled through Times Square...

"Ok, I officially love this place." Maria smiled, carrying tons of shopping bags.

"Aww, even more than me?" Jeff pouted. "Can shopping do this?" he asked, leaning in to give her a passionate kiss.

"Mmm! No, I can't say that it does. And I loves you more than all the shopping stores in the world combined." she replied, smiling.

"Ok, lovebirds, let's just focus on what we should do next around here, all right?" asked Candice.

Instead of replying, the two managed to walk and have a make out session at the same time.

"Mmm!-Haha." the two mumbled, smiling.

"Never mind, Candy, those two aren't gonna keep their hands off each other for the next week." replied Randy.

"WHAT?" Edge asked loudly.

"Edge, I wasn't talking to you." he told him.

"You WHAT? Speak UP!" he cried.

"Wha? Edge, what the hell's the matter with you? It's not THAT loud out here!" he cried.

"WHAT about bananas?" he called.

"Uh, I think that a little too much water got into Edge's ears when he fell in the ocean on our way over here." replied Kelly. "If I just had a plunger..."

"SPONGE? I'm so lost right about now!" he called.

"YOU ARE A MORON!" Matt cried.

"Matt, be nice." replied Eve.

"Puh."

"Oh, are you still grumpy cause you helped me to pick out my new lingerie?" she asked.

"No, he's mad cause he never found his traveling pants!" chuckled Jeff.

"Oh, will you get off my back?" Matt cried. "It's just a book that I happen to like, is that so wrong?"

"Ok, ok! Sorry!" Jeff cried, holding up his hands in defense. "I didn't mean to offend you."

"Ah, I'm sorry I snapped at you. I just don't want you guys to keep laughing at me about it, all right?" he asked. "Yes, it was a book written by a woman, yes, I took Eve lingerie shopping, but you know what? I'm proud of it! I'm DAMN proud!"

After that, the gang looked at him before they broke out in applause.

"Powerful, man." replied Randy.

"That's my boy." Eve smiled, giving him a kiss.

"Thanks. So, anyone up for some grub?" he asked.

"Yeah-Yum!" they cheered.

"NUB? WHO'S A NUB?" cried Edge.

"YOU ARE!" everyone except for Kelly called back.

...

Soon after that, they searched all over town for a good restaurant, but they were all crowded...until they found one near the outskirts of town...

The eight of them entered the dingy place, were there were about 2 or 3 other people sitting there.

"Really, people?" asked Randy. "We would've had a better chance eating out on the sidewalk."

"Well, we've been walking for the last 2 hours, so let's just be happy here." replied Candice. "Besides, it doesn't look that bad! It's..." she paused, looking at the flies buzzing around and the paint peeling. "...nice and homey."

"WHY ARE WE IN THIS CRAPHOLE?" Edge asked loud enough for the staff in the back to hear.

"Edge, quiet!" shushed Kelly. "C'mon, let's all sit here."

After they sat at a large booth, Candice asked, "Now, isn't this great? Us all sitting together like one big happy family?"

A roach crawled across the table while Randy squished it. "Happy's not the word." he replied.

Meanwhile, Maria was minding her own business before she could feel Jeff's hand creeping up her leg. She looked at him, seeing that he had a smirk plastered on his face. "What?" he asked innocently.

"You having fun there, Coppy Feeley?" she asked.

"I don't understand. I'm just sitting here, minding my own business. See?" he asked, folding his hands before one crept down and began tickling her stomach.

"Ah, HEHEEEE!" she giggled. "Stop!"

"Guys?" asked Matt.

Next, she reached down and began tickling his stomach while he laughed. "Ria, stop, I'm not supposed to be ticklish!"

"Guys!" cried Eve.

After that, they were doing a full on tickle fest when Kelly slammed Edge's head on the table to get their attention. "GUYS!" she cried.

"Hey...I can hear again!" exclaimed Edge.

"What?" the two asked, annoyed.

"Can I take ya'll's order?" asked the old, sweaty waitress.

"Can we have a few menus first?" Randy asked sarcastically. "Unfortunately, we don't know this rat hole from the inside out yet."

"Randy." Candice said sharply.

After that, the grumpy waitress slammed a couple of crusty menus on their table. "Hurry it up."

Edge looked through the menu, slammed it down, and said, "Hey, let's ditch this place and go to IHOP."

"Babe, there's gotta be something that you like here." said Kelly. "I'm having the salad and some sparkling water."

"Ooh, me, too!" agreed Eve.

"I'm taking the ribs." replied Matt. "Protein, baby."

"Steak for me." replied Randy. "If there's still blood in mine, I'll sue."

"Ooh, papa loves the meat! Sign me up!" Edge exclaimed.

"What are you guys having?" Candice asked Maria and Jeff.

They were kissing. "I think I'll have a helping of my Enigma with a side dish of his lips." she smiled, looking into his eyes.

"I was hoping for a pretty little redhead for my dessert." Jeff replied, giving her a kiss.

"So...you're gonna eat each other? Doesn't that make you cannibals or something?" asked Edge.

They looked at him.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" asked Jeff.

"Yeah!" Maria exclaimed, while the two headed off towards the nearest closed door.

Silence.

"...Well, there's two less I have to pay for. Wait, why AM I still paying for you people?" demanded Randy.

While they were waiting for their food, one of the cooks in the back flipped over a steak, but it fell on the floor. He sneezed, wiped his bare hand on his apron, picked up the steak and finished cooking it. After that...

The waitress came and gave them their orders when Edge took the tainted steak. "Oh, sweet deliciousness, you will be mine."

Matt poked at his steak. "It's stone cold!" he cried.

"And not Steve Austin." agreed Randy. "I'm not wasting my money on this crap."

"Ugh! This salad tastes like plastic!" cried Kelly.

"And this sparkling water's totally flat!" agreed Eve.

"Edge, I wouldn't eat that steak if I were you." replied Candice.

"Aw, how bad could it be?" he asked, taking a bite of it. He chewed and a smile grew on his face. "It's GOOD!" he exclaimed.

"Well, take it on the road, cause we're leaving this dump. Yo Hardy, Maria, we're leaving!" called Randy.

Then, they stumbled out of the closet, with their clothes disheveled and had huge smiles on their faces. "What's the big hurry? We just got here." smiled Maria.

"So, uh, nothing like a quickie in the closet, huh?" asked Matt.

They nodded.

"Let's just go before they go at it again." Randy said while they all headed out.

"You know, I felt the earth shake during that height of passion. Did you?" Maria asked, straightening up Jeff's hair.

"Indeed I did." he smiled, combing a hand through her hair. "You up for Italian?"

"Let's go." she smiled while they laughed and followed their friends.


	11. Act 3: The New York City Massacre pt 2

**Chapter 11**

While they walked through Central Park...

"So, hun, wasn't it fun taking me lingerie shopping?" asked Eve, taking Matt's hand. "It wasn't as bad as you thought it'd be!"

"Yeah, I know, I know." he replied.

"I don't get it, man, guys would kill to check out hot babes in lingerie stores! Why the hell would you want to stay away?" asked Edge.

"Because, I dunno, it was just..." he began.

"YES, Matt?" demanded Eve.

"It was awkward! Did you notice how I was the only guy there?" he asked. "Those women were looking at me like I was some kind of creeper or something!"

"Oh, are you EMBARASSED of me, Matt? Is that what it is?" demanded Eve.

"No! That's not what I said!" he exclaimed.

"I bet that was what you were thinking, wasn't it?" she cried, pointing a finger at him.

"And off we go." muttered Randy.

"Eve, don't spaz out on me now, please." he said.

"I can spaz out whenever I damn well please! You don't want to be seen in public with me, do you?" she cried.

"Wha-I'm here with you NOW, aren't I?" he demanded.

"Yeah, but you probably don't want to be!" she cried back. "This is the LAST time I take you shopping with me!"

"Oh, that is the greatest news I've heard all day!" he cried back.

"Matt, Eve, now's not the time to fight!" exclaimed Candice. "We're all supposed to be having fun!"

"Well, Mr. I Don't Want To Be Seen With Anybody ruined that fun!" Eve replied.

"Oh, don't blame me, YOU'RE the one being a little brat!" he cried.

"BRAT?" she demanded. "Oh, I've never been more insulted in my life!"

"Hey, is your ear supposed to be bleeding like this?" asked Edge, tapping his ear and seeing some blood on his hand.

While the two were still arguing, Jeff whistled loudly to get their attention. "YO!"

Silence.

"Ria and I are headed to the Concert/Weenie Roast at the amphitheatre, so...bye." Jeff said while he and Maria held hands and headed off.

"...Weenies? Weenies!" Edge cried, carrying Kelly on his back and running off. "Let's go, babycakes!"

Eve glared at Matt before taking Candice's arm. "Who needs men, right, Candy?" she asked.

"Uh...aah!" she cried while she was being whisked away.

Randy looked at Matt while he said, "Do you believe her? DO YOU?"

"If you had just shopped for her lingerie in peace and hadn't opened your mouth, the veins wouldn't be bulging out of my head right now." he replied, sighing before he headed off.

A few minutes later, the gang headed to an outdoor amphitheatre to watch various punk and indie rock bands perform...

Jeff and Maria were sharing a lawn chair while watching Social Distortion onstage. "I love Social Distortion, don't you, Jeff?" Maria asked, on his lap.

"Yeah, I do. This whole concert is awesome!" he exclaimed. "So, uh, what's going on with Eve and Matt?"

"They got into another pointless fight, I guess. Looks like I'll have to feed her some more bonbons and tell her that it's not the end of the world." she replied.

"And I'll have to do the same with Matt." smirked Jeff. After they laughed, he said, "I'm so glad that we never fight, Ria."

She smiled. "I'm glad, too. Being with you has been the best relationship I've ever had, and I want it to last forever." she replied.

"It will. You're my best friend and nothing will ever tear us apart." he said sincerely. "I love you."

"I love you, too." she smiled back before they shared a passionate kiss.

"Weenie?" he offered.

"Yay!" she exclaimed.

Meanwhile...

"Edge, how many of those things are you going to put away?" asked Kelly.

He was munching on tons and tons of weenies. "I'm going for 50!" he exclaimed. "Kels, what more could a guy ask for? A beautiful girl, great music, all the weenies you could eat, it's heaven!"

She smiled. "It is, isn't it? You know, babe, you may still get on mine and everybody's nerves, but I wouldn't love you any other way." she replied.

"Aww, I blush. Hey, I wouldn't be me without you to ground me, Kellbell. I love you, too." he smiled, before he gave her a kiss.

Then, Kelly looked back to see Eve and Matt sitting apart and said, "You think we should help those two?"

"Uh, their problems have nothing to do with moi. Let's just sit back, relax, enjoy the sights and...and..." he began, turning a little green in the face.

"Edge?" she asked.

"...KRAKATOA!" he cried before leaning over to throw up.

"Oh God, Edge! Really?" cried Kelly, holding her head.

Meanwhile...

Eve was hysterically crying while Candice comforted her, while Randy looked annoyed and Matt angrily read his book.

"Why do guys have to be so cruel?" Eve sobbed. "How come you girls get to be happy and I can't?"

Randy was about to wrap his arm around Candice and give her a kiss, until she leaned over and put an arm around Eve while he crossed his arms in annoyance. "Ok, whenever we stop somewhere, you and Matt need to work this out. Your little fight's eventually going to bring all of us down!" she exclaimed.

"I don't care! Bon bon, please." she said.

Matt sighed loudly. "Randy, don't give me that 'I'm Gonna Kill You' look, all right? I'm not in the mood." he said, his eyes glued to his book.

"Hmm." he grumbled, taking a weenie.


	12. Act 3: The New York City Massacre pt 3

**Chapter 12**

Later, after another day out, the gang was headed down the streets again, until Jeff and Maria would soon stray away to have an adventure of their own...

"I'm not talking to you." Eve told Matt.

"I was well aware of that." he replied sarcastically.

"Don't go all sarcastic on me, all right? I don't take that crap from anybody!" she exclaimed.

"It's not my fault that you can't tell the difference between sarcasm and the real truth." he replied.

"WHAT real truth?" she cried.

"Guys!" cried Candice.

"The truth that maybe we shouldn't have gotten together in the first place if you were gonna be like this!" he exclaimed.

The gang was silent while Eve's lip trembled and looked like she was about to cry, but she gained her composure and replied, "...Fine."

"Fine? FINE? Is that all you have to say?" he exclaimed.

"Uh, if I could just get a word here." announced Jeff.

"What?"

"Look, bro. None of this would've happened if you had just admitted that you liked women's literature. But since you're so closed up and secure most of the time, you're afraid to show your emotions. That is the reason for this distance between you and Eve. Don't you think that you can find a solution to work this out?" he asked.

Annoyed, Matt looked back at him. "My life is steadily falling apart and you go all Dr. Phil on me and tell me to work it out?" he demanded, his voice getting more and more angry while Jeff coiled back. "Well, let me tell YOU something, LITTLE BROTHER, if YOU hadn't told everyone about the book that I was privately reading to myself, none of this would've happened! So where does the blame REALLY go, HUH? Who REALLY caused Eve and I to split up, HUH? HUH?" he nearly screamed in his face.

Silence.

After that, Jeff's lip trembled as if he were 4 years old, said nothing and quickly sped down the block, finding somewhere to hide.

"Jeff!" cried Maria. "Look what you did, Matt, you hurt his feelings! Enigma!" she cried, running after him.

Matt crossed his arms and turned the other way before he turned back to find everyone glaring at him. "...WHAT?"

"Low blow, man. Low blow." replied Randy.

"Jeez, you didn't have to take it out on your little brother, sheesh." Eve muttered.

"C'mon, guys, let's go find him." announced Candice.

"Yeah, he could get self destructive if he's out there alone, so we better act fast." agreed Randy.

As they ran off, Matt mumbled, "Why does all the blame always get placed on me?"

* * *

Meanwhile, Maria was still searching for Jeff, until she headed into an alley and found a back door to a club. "Jeff! There you are!" she exclaimed with a smile. But her smile faded a little once she saw him sitting on top of a crate, looking depressed with a random cat on his head.

"Hi, Ria." he greeted, the cat's tail swinging across his face.

"Meow." the cat cried in a tiny voice.

"Soo...where'd the cat-" she began.

"I don't know where it came from either." he replied.

"Baby, are you gonna be all right?" she asked, sitting next to him. "I'm sure Matt didn't mean what he said."

"But he didn't have to yell at me! I mean, I'm not afraid of him or anything, but when he goes all Big Brother on me, Ria, he gets to me. He really GETS to me!" he cried, almost dramatically.

She looked at him.

"I don't have problems, okay?" he cried.

"...Want some yogurt?" she asked, offering him some.

"No thanks. I have skittles." he replied. "Want some?"

"Ok!" she replied, seeing the empty bag. "...It's all gone."

"Crap." he replied, tossing it aside. "Anyways, I'm just gonna hide out in here until Matt comes to apologize to me."

"And I'll be glad to keep you some company." she replied, taking his hand. "So, uh, what do-"

Before she could finish, the cat went all flying squirrel and flew out of the window without a care in the world. "MEOW!"

Silence.

"Well, that wasn't weird." announced Jeff. "You were saying?"

"Since we're gonna be in here for probably a while, what do you want to do?" she asked.

Then, he looked around until he saw two strange looking machines. "Hey, what's this?" he asked while they approached them.

"Balloon machines!" she exclaimed. "Wait, wait. Are these helium machines filled with...helium?"

He smirked. "Only one way to find out." he replied, grabbing a balloon and inflating it with the first machine. While she did the same with the second machine, he took his balloon and inhaled it, before he said in a high pitched voice, "Did it work?"

Maria inhaled her balloon and said in a deep voice, "Whoa, Jeff, your voice!"

He looked shocked. "Whoa, Maria, your voice! Haha, you sound like Lurch!" he laughed.

She had a big, booming, laugh. "You sound like Tiny Tim!" she replied. "This is awesome!"

"Yeah, I know!" replied Jeff. "You know how much fun we could have like this?"

She laughed. "I can't stop laughing at your voice!"

"What, do I sound like a pipsqueak?" he smirked.

"A little." she giggled.

"Well, you sound like you've taken one too many steroids!" he replied.

"Ouch!" she cried, pretending to be hurt.

Then, the two heard loud music from the club and smiled at one another.

"Whaddya say we go clubbing for a little while?" asked Maria.

"You read my mind, baby. Let's go!" Jeff exclaimed, taking her hand.


	13. Act 3: The New York City Massacre pt 4

**Chapter 13**

For what seemed like hours, the others were still searching for Maria and Jeff...

"Ok, they didn't run off that long ago, how lost could they be?" cried Matt.

"Well, if YOU hadn't yelled at Jeff, none of this would be happening!" Eve replied.

"Look, can you stop blaming me for stuff? I-" he replied.

"How about we all shut up before Randy goes on a killing spree?" announced Randy.

"Hey, guys, over here." said Kelly, approaching the club. "You think they could be in here?"

"Let's take a look." replied Candice.

As they all entered the crowded club, they had to shove through people while they called Jeff and Maria's names. "Jeff! Ria, you guys here?" they called.

Matt pushed through the crowd until he found Jeff dancing with Maria. "Finally! Dude, can we step outside and talk for a minute?" he asked.

"I don't feel like it." Jeff said in his high pitched voice.

He looked stunned. "Jeff, what the hell happened to your voice?"

"Check it out, dude! Look what helium can do to ya!" he exclaimed, waving the balloon around and swinging his arm to the beat, accidentally sending Matt to the floor.

"OW!" he cried, getting up. "Ria, don't tell me you're like this, too." he said.

"Uh huh." she said in her low voice, swaying to the beat. "Come dance with us, guys!"

"Whoa-ho-ho!" Edge laughed. "I wanna try!"

She gave him the balloon and he inhaled it before saying in a deep voice, "Luke, I am your Father. WHOA! That is COOL!" he exclaimed. "I'm keeping this!"

Randy slapped him on the back to get the stuff outta his system and replied, "Look, it's bad enough with those two. We sure as hell don't need YOU on that stuff, too." he replied. "Guys, get your heads screwed back on and let's go."

Jeff and Maria looked at them.

"You can't tell us what to do!" Jeff pouted.

"Look at yourselves, guys! You're acting like idiots, now let's go before we get arrested or something." Candice said.

"Well, it may be that we're acting like idiots, but do we look like we care?" asked Maria.

Matt looked at Randy and nodded. "Get them." he said.

Then, Randy lifted Maria over his shoulder and wrapped one arm around Jeff while he dragged the two out kicking and screaming. "You guys put this onto yourselves." he said while they all headed out.

"Hey-Hey, what the hell do you think that you're doing?" cried Jeff. "Get your hands off of me, I'm a grown man!"

"The party was finally getting good! We have rights!" cried Maria.

"Well, we can't stay out here with these two on the loose." said Candice. "We need another ride."

After that, a coach bus stopped in front of them. "Well that was convenient." replied Matt. "Excuse me, uh, we need a ride please?"

Then, the door opened to reveal Triple H driving the bus with Shawn Michaels in the front seat.

"Never fear, DX is here!" exclaimed Hunter.

"We brought cereal!" exclaimed Shawn.

Shocked, the gang looked back at them.

"Hunter? Shawn? How did you guys know we were here?" asked Kelly.

"It's a long story. So, you guys getting in or what?" asked Hunter.

"Hey, what's up with those two?" asked Shawn.

The gang turned back to Jeff escaping Randy's grasp, pulling Maria down and leading her back towards the club until Randy ran back and cried, "HEY!" before grabbing them both again. "Do we have any tranquilizers here?"

"Oh, screw you, Orton!" cried Jeff.

He glared at him. A few minutes later...

"MMMMMMMMM!" the two cried, being thrown into the back seat of the bus with their hands and ankles tied and their mouths bound, as the gang boarded onto the bus and drove off.


	14. Act 3: The New York City Massacre pt 5

**Chapter 14**

On the road...

Matt and Eve were still sitting apart and glared at one another when Eve stuck her tongue out at him. "Puh."

He stuck out his. "Puh."

"Don't mock me." she replied.

"You started it." he replied.

Then, Shawn casually joined them. "Hi, guys. I'm feeling a little tension here. Mind telling your friend what the problem is?" he asked.

"Sure, Shawn. The problem is that Matt doesn't like to be seen in public with me." Eve replied.

"Really? Why, Matt? Eve's very beautiful, I don't understand." he replied, taking a box of Cookie Crisps.

"Of course she's beautiful, that's not the issue here. And it's not that I'm embarrassed to be seen with her, I love being seen with her. It's just...actually, I don't know what we're fighting about." he replied, looking towards Eve.

She smiled a little. "Actually, me neither." she replied. "You-You love being seen with me, Matt?"

"Of course I do, Eve. I love you." he replied while she smiled brightly.

She nearly shoved Shawn aside and sat next to him when he took her hands. "I love you too, Matty bear." she replied. "I'm sorry I got all PMS on you earlier."

"And I'm sorry I called you a brat." he replied before they shared a kiss.

"Ah, I'm amazing. The Showstopper's solving relationships every day. Go me." Shawn smiled, munching his cereal.

Meanwhile, Jeff and Maria were still kicking and screaming while Hunter was explaining how they caught up with the gang.

"So, let me get this straight. You two KNEW that our car exploded in Vermont. You were the guys hiding in the bushes that night. You two were the ones who ate our half eaten food-" began Randy.

"We were hungry!" replied Hunter, still driving the bus.

"Basically, all this time you were following us with this nice bus and you never stopped to help us back then?" cried Candice.

"Oh, we were on foot, too. We just picked up the bus from this church and 'promised' that we'd bring it back." he replied. "Shawn was totally against it since stealing is a sin, but I got him to tag along anyway. Besides, we want in on the road trip, too!"

"Well, I for one am happy that we ran into you for once. We got nice air conditioning, HD TV, and LOOK! A foot bath!" Edge exclaimed. "I think I'll be living the high life for a while."

"I'll say. Wanna make out?" asked Kelly.

"I love my life." he replied before he began kissing her.

Then, Shawn whispered to him, "PSST!"

He turned around. "Yes?"

"Guess what? At that diner that you guys were in earlier, that steak you ate, it was tainted." he replied.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, the guy who cooked it flipped the steak and it landed on the floor with all the roaches, the guy sneezed, wiped his hand on his apron, picked up the steak with the same hand and you ate it, ha ha!" he laughed.

"..." Edge replied, shocked.

"Edge, you ok?" asked Kelly.

"Somebody get the stomach pump. I think I might have Hepatitis." Edge replied.

"Babe, hepatitis is an STD." she replied.

"Yeah, a Stomach Turning Disorder." he replied, turning green. "Where's the Pepto Bismol?"

"Wow, I hope he never gets beaten with rocks for being that empty headed." Randy smirked.

"Randy, be nice." replied Candice.

"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" Maria mumbled loudly.

"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" agreed Jeff.

"Look, you two need to calm the hell down, all right?" asked Randy, before Jeff roughly kicked the back of his seat.

"OW! Why you Purple haired little-" he cried.

"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" they cried.

"Ok, somebody shut them up!" Randy cried. "Cause they won't want me to, trust me."

Candice sighed. "Ok, guys, I love you both, but this is for your own good." she replied before she stuffed an apple in Jeff's mouth and an orange in Maria's before covering their mouths again, while they looked at her in shock. "Ok, we're good." she told Randy.

"I love you." he sighed, relaxed.

* * *

Soon after that, the bus stopped at the end of town...

"Bathroom break, anyone?" asked Hunter.

The gang stepped off of the bus after they untied Jeff and Maria and they stormed off the bus after everyone else.

"Now, are you two calmed down yet?" asked Matt.

Jeff glared at him. "I don't need this. We don't need this! Ria and I are taking our own road trip, right Maria?" he asked her, in his normal voice that wasn't contained with helium from the club that they had left.

"Yes we are! How dare you people keep us bound and gagged against out own will?" she demanded. "We're free spirits, we don't have to take this crap from any of you!"

"That's right, so you guys go your own way, we'll go ours. Let's go, babe." he said, taking her hand as they headed off to wait for a taxi. "TAXI!" called Jeff.

"Jeff, I am your big brother and I DEMAND that you and your girlfriend get back over here!" called Matt. "DON'T IGNORE ME! We're supposed to be staying together!"

Then, the taxi pulled up to them.

"I MEAN IT! You go into that taxi, then it is goodbye FOREVER!" he called.

*SLAM!* *TIRES SCREECH*

"FINE! BE THAT WAY!" he called, but when he turned back to the gang he shakily began sobbing, "Oh, guys, I lost them!"

"Don't panic, everyone head onto the bus and we'll catch up with them before they run off and end up getting somebody killed." Hunter said as they all sped onto the bus.

"Look, I'm still reeling over the fact that I may have salmonella or-" began Edge.

"EDGE!" Randy cried, dragging him onto the bus.

Meanwhile, Jeff and Maria got in the backseat of the taxi when Maria said, "Do you believe the nerve of them, Jeffro? Tying us up like that?"

"I know! And I thought that they were our friends! But whatever, as long as I have you, Skittle, I don't need anybody else." he smiled, putting an arm around her.

"Oh, Enigma, I love you." she smiled, wrapping him in a kiss, but they broke away realizing that the taxi driver drove off before they could tell him where they wanted to go.

"Wait, excuse me, sir?" called Jeff. "Uh, we never told you where we wanted to go."

"I know." he muttered, gripping on the steering wheel.

"In fact, this is the opposite of where we want to go. Could you please stop for a minute?" asked Maria.

No reply.

"...Hello?" she asked.

The driver suddenly sat up after putting on a ski mask, and whipped towards them, pointing a gun towards the two. "Shut up!" he exclaimed.

"Whoa!" Jeff cried, immediately shielding Maria. "Dude!"

"Wh-what's going on here?" Maria cried in a small voice. "Heh. That gun's a fake one, right? You're not really gonna hurt us, are you?"

"Depends." he replied. "I won't kill you two if you'll become my accomplices."

"What?" demanded Jeff.

"Easy. You help me rob the bank, your little girlfriend drives the getaway car before the po-po comes." he replied, tossing two ski masks towards them.

"I don't wanna rob the bank!" whined Maria.

"Yeah, if we get caught, we're headed straight to jail!" agreed Jeff. "So, how about you just let us go, and we'll forget this ever happened."

*CLICK OF GUN* "Or I could just blow your heads off, simple as that." he told them.

Terrified, they quickly slipped on the masks and replied, "We'll do it."


	15. Act 3: The New York City Massacre pt 6

**Chapter 15**

Soon after that, they stopped in front of the bank where the driver got out and practically yanked Jeff from out of the back seat. "Redhead, you get in the driver's seat and as soon as we get in, pull off, all right?" he demanded.

"But I don't wanna be a criminal!" she whined.

"DO IT!" he cried while she replied, "Okay!" and climbed into the driver's seat. "Jeffro, be careful, babe! I love you!"

"I love you too, baby!" he called back before the driver took his arm and led him inside. "COME ON!"

Inside, people were minding their own business before the driver kicked the door open and fired his gun, scaring everyone while Jeff stood close behind, terrified.

"THIS IS A ROBBERY! Everyone down on the ground and give us the money!" he cried. "Go and get some cash from those guys over there." he said, shoving Jeff towards the teller's stand.

"H-How much do you want?" she asked.

"I don't want anything, that guy's forcing me to do this and I really don't want to or else he'll kill me and my girlfriend, so please help a guy out!" Jeff whispered quickly. "I'm a peace loving fellow, I have nothing to do with THIIII-" Jeff cried once the robber grabbed him.

"Aw, you're useless! I got enough cash to last a while, now COME ON!" he cried, dragging him out while Jeff yelled, "HELP ME!"

As they headed outside, the robber called to Maria, "Start the car, start the car!"

"UH!" Jeff cried as the robber threw him into the backseat.

"Jeff!" Maria cried.

"GO! GO! GO!" the robber cried when she quickly sped the car off.

"OK, STOP PRESSURING ME!" she screamed back. Due to her near nervous breakdown, the car swerved all over the road and got some distance before they heard sirens from behind them. "Damn it, the cops. DRIVE FASTER!"

"Dude, she can't concentrate if you're yelling at her!" Jeff called back.

"Did I ask you for your opinion?" he demanded.

"I'm her boyfriend, so I know a little more than you would!" he replied.

"You wanna get smart with me, boy-o?" he replied, pointing his gun at him, but before anything else could happen, Maria screamed as the gang's coach bus swerved in their way, stopping them, but when she tried to back away, the cops boxed them in.

"Well. Who's ready to rot in jail?" asked Maria.

Silence. "You people are on your own!" the robber exclaimed, fleeing the car as fast as he could.

"HEY!" Jeff cried, running after him before one of the cops ripped off his mask and slammed him against the side of the car. "Wait, you don't understand-" began Jeff.

"Oh, we understand quite clearly." replied the officer.

Maria stepped out, took off the mask, put her hands over her head and lied flat on the ground. "I know. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law." she replied.

Before the cops could arrest anyone, though, Hunter cried, "STOP! They're innocent."

"Yeah, they were just trying to get a taxi ride and whoever the driver was probably forced them to do his work for him. Please don't arrest our friends." added Candice.

The cops looked at them. "Fine. You're free to go." he replied. As they all headed off, Jeff helped Maria up as Matt approached him. "Well, guys, have you learned your lesson?" he asked.

They sighed. "Yes. We'll never go running into strange taxis ever again." replied Maria.

"And what do you say?" he asked.

"Sorry." Jeff muttered.

"Now the two of you get back onto the bus and think about what you did!" exclaimed Matt.

"Yes, sir." Maria replied innocently, stepping into the bus.

"But-" began Jeff.

Matt said nothing and pointed towards the bus.

Jeff sighed, looked down and slowly and quietly stepped onto the bus.

*...SLAM!*

"Hey, careful in there, the nuns I hijacked this bus from expect it back in one piece!" exclaimed Hunter.

"You've been a bad boy, Jeff! THINK ABOUT THAT!" Matt called, following him.

"Well, that wrapped up pretty nicely, don't you think?" asked Shawn.

"Guys, I think we've caused enough damage in New York." replied Kelly. "Let's head somewhere else."

"Where?" asked Eve.

"OOH! OOH! I know!" Shawn cried, hopping into the driver's seat.

"WAIT! Shawn, who said that you could drive! You're gonna end up getting us killed on the freeway! SHAWN!" Hunter cried after him while the gang boarded onto the bus, ready for their next adventure.


	16. Act 4: Loveless in Texas

**Chapter 16**

Act 4 - Loveless In Texas

The gang was driving along on their bus, for what seemed like days, until they finally strolled into Texas...

"Wow!" Shawn exclaimed, taking pictures of the scenes outside. "Woow...Oh, wow! WOW!"

"SHAWN!" cried Hunter. "Why are you taking pictures of grass?"

He whipped around. "It's not just grass! It's TEXAS grass! That's what makes it special!" he exclaimed.

"You're really excited about this place, huh?" Candice asked with a smile.

"Yeah! This is my hometown and I'm damn proud of it! I don't know how long we're going to be here, but I plan to make the most out of it!" he smiled back.

"AAH!" Hunter cried, swerving the bus around suddenly.

"Whoa! Dude, what's going on up there?" asked Matt.

"There was a cow in the middle of the road." he replied. "Cow...Ok, this sounds really wrong, but I'm suddenly hungry for some hot dogs."

"Yeah, where's the BEEF?" agreed Shawn. "Ha HA! Oh, I slay me."

"Wow, this ride's been the longest one yet." Maria said, waking up from her nap. "You tired?" she asked Jeff.

"Yeah, a little." he replied, wrapping an arm around her. "But you gotta admit, that little high speed chase in New York was pretty intense, huh?"

"I had fun in a way." she agreed, smiling. "Ah hehe..."

"What's so funny?" he asked.

She giggled. "Why are you tickling my leg?"

"I'm not tickling your leg." he said, waving his hands around. "See?"

"Huh? Then what's..." she began, looking down to see the same random kitty that they found in New York. "Oh, lookee here! It's Random Kitty!" she smiled, picking it up.

"How'd she get here?" he asked.

"I don't know." she replied. "Jeff, let's keep her!"

"Oh, Ria, I dunno. I'm not really much of a cat person." he replied.

"But Enigma, look at her! She might not have anyplace else to go." she said, holding her towards him. "Just look at those eyes! Do you really want to send this poor creature out on the streets?"

"Meow." the cat smiled.

His expression changed from uneasy to concerned, and a half smile grew on his face. "Oh, all right." he replied. "For now."

"Yay!" Maria smiled while the cat nuzzled and purred to Jeff. "See, she likes you!"

He chuckled. "You're not so bad yourself there." he replied.

Meanwhile, Edge was playing another video game of his on his PS3, when Kelly wrapped her arms around his shoulders and said, "Hello, Adam." she smiled.

"Kels." he said, focused on his game.

"Whaddya say when we get outta here, we find someplace where we can be alone and...do the dirty?" she replied, kissing his neck.

"Eh eh eh, not right now, Kel. I gotta beat this level." he said.

"What? But you never resist me!" she exclaimed, surprised.

"I'm not resisting you, Kel, I'm just trying to beat this level of Space Commanders or...DANG IT, YOU were supposed to explode, Gwork, not Doink! DAMN YOU!" he shouted to the screen.

"Edge, you've been obsessed with that dumb game since we left New York! I'M your girlfriend and I deserve more attention from you!" Kelly exclaimed.

"Later, ok? Now, go and chat with your little girly friends and I'll get back with ya after I finish this. AW, not again, Gwork!" he shouted while Kelly scoffed and stormed to the back of the bus.


	17. Act 4: Loveless in Texas pt 2

**Chapter 17**

Soon after that, the gang stopped at this field where a Renaissance Fair was going on nearby...

"WOW, look at this beautiful Texas view! Can't you just feel the love here?" Shawn asked with a smile.

Matt turned around to find two guys beating another guy senseless with beer bottles. "Yeah, that's love, all right." he said sarcastically.

"So, what should we do first?" asked Eve. "That Renaissance Fair looks like a lot of fun!"

"Yeah, I've always wanted to go to one of those!" agreed Candice.

"You guys think that they have a guillotine there?" Randy asked curiously.

They all looked at him.

"...Why would you want to know?" asked Hunter.

"Cause. I want to see someone get their head chopped off." he shrugged.

Everyone else was silent.

"...Ok, I'm hungry and since I couldn't stop thinking about that cow, I'm gonna go and get some grub. Anyone with me?" he asked.

The guys agreed as they headed off. "Do they have cat chow for Kitty here?...I need a beer." they muttered as they headed off, and Edge was still glued to his screen.

"Be right back, ladies!" Jeff called.

"So, I wonder if we get to dress up in those pretty gowns at the fair." Maria told the girls.

"Ooh, I hope! What do you think, Kel? Kel?" asked Eve.

She sighed sadly and was sitting on a bench.

"Kelly, what's wrong?" Candice asked while the girls joined her.

"Girls, Edge is like, the most stubborn man I've ever met!" she exclaimed.

"Well, what else is new, we all think that about him." replied Eve.

"No, I mean, ever since we left New York, I've been trying and trying to get him to pay attention to me, but all he cares about is that stupid video game he's been playing." she replied.

"How could he not pay attention to you, Kel, you're a catch!" exclaimed Maria.

"Thanks. But I dunno. Am I losing it or something, girls? Is he losing interest in me?" she asked.

"Only a complete moron would do that. Now, Edge, yeah, he falls into that category, but he should at least have the common sense to pay attention to you." replied Candice.

"What should I do?" asked Kelly.

"Well, easy. Toss his video game out the window." replied Eve.

"No, then he'll just whine and mope about it."

"Threaten to cut off his balls?" asked Candice.

Shocked, the three looked at her.

"Candy!" Maria cried, surprised.

"Did I just say that? Sorry, I've been hanging out with Randy a lot lately and he's starting to rub off on me." she giggled nervously.

"Ok, Kelly, when all else fails, we use the internet. Voila!" Maria exclaimed, taking out a laptop.

"Hmm." Kelly said, typing something until her eyes widened and a smile grew across her face. "Hmm!"

"What? Did you find something?" asked Eve.

"Take a gander at this, ladies." she said, showing the screen to the girls while they gasped and their eyes widened.

"Kelly, are you sure about this?" asked Candice.

She nodded. "If this doesn't get him to notice me, nothing will." she smiled.


	18. Act 4: Loveless in Texas pt 3

**Chapter 18**

Later, the guys were at a cafe, chatting about things before Kelly would reveal her surprise...

"So, where'd you get the cat from?" Matt asked Jeff.

"It's weird, I met her in New York and somehow Maria found her on the bus. And y'know, we might as well keep her. She's kinda cute." Jeff replied.

"Cats." Randy said, looking at her. Then, when he tried to pet her, the cat snarled and scratched his hand. "MEOW!" "OW!" he cried, holding his hand. "Ok, keep that BEAST away from me!"

"Heh heh. Good kitty." Jeff chuckled. "Aha. HahaHAHAHAHAHA!" he laughed evilly while the others stared at him. "Ahem. Sorry."

"So, uh, Edge, I've noticed that you haven't taken your eyes off of that game there." Shawn told him. "You know your eyes are gonna get bad staring at the screen like that, right?"

"Don't care...must...beat...level...Aw, DAMN IT, GWORK!" he cried, frustrated.

Hunter chuckled. "Gwork."

"Dude, aren't you concerned at all about Kelly?" asked Randy.

"Why should I be concerned?"

But before he could answer, Kelly found them and entered the place, with new breast implants that were about three times as big. She smiled. "Oh, hello, guys!" she exclaimed.

"Hey, Kel." they replied before looking at her new chest.

"WHOA, HOOTERS!" Randy cried out loud while the others - minus Edge - were wide eyed.

"Kelly..." Jeff uttered.

"What did you do to yourself?" added Matt.

"I have a wife, I really shouldn't be here right now." Shawn replied, covering his eyes.

Hunter was nearly drooling. "Puppies..." he uttered.

She giggled. "I just gave myself an upgrade, I guess. I was tired of my old look and decided to try something new. What do you think?" she asked, approaching them.

"Uhh...I..yeah, be right back." Shawn said, speeding off.

"Uhuhuhuhuhuh..." Hunter chuckled with a goofy grin on his face.

"HUNTER!" Shawn cried, dragging him out of the room.

_"Aw, Shawn, why do you gotta ruin my fun all the time? Why?"_ he asked from a distance.

"Kelly, how long did it take you to do this?" asked Jeff, with Random Kitty slung over his shoulder.

"And how did you afford it?" agreed Matt.

"Well, it only took about 10 minutes and 100 bucks. But what I'm REALLY hoping for is an opinion from my Rated R Boyfriend. Edge?" she asked.

"Neh?" he asked, still on his game.

"Notice anything different?" she asked.

"No." he replied.

"You didn't even look! Notice anything DIFFERENT, Edge?" she asked, shoving her chest about two inches from his face while the guys looked in awe.

"Be strong, Edge." Randy said.

"Yeah, uh, Kel, could you move aside, please, your huge boobs are blocking my light." he replied while she gasped, insulted.

"Nothing gets through to you, does it?" Kelly demanded. "Ugh, Edge, you are the most selfish, unfeeling man I've ever met in my life!" she snapped, slamming the door as she left.

"No, NO, WAAAAAAIT! COME BACK!" Hunter exclaimed, running from a back room. "Aw."

Shawn looked at him. "What's wrong with you?" he cried.

Meanwhile, Edge was still on his game before Randy snatched it out of his hands. "HEY! My-WHAT?" he demanded, seeing the guys glaring at him. "What'd I do?"

"You know, Edge, I didn't think it was ever possible for someone to be that stupid." Matt said.

"I don't understand what the hell I even did!" he cried.

"Dude, you don't even deserve a girlfriend if you're gonna be that way." Jeff replied.

"What are you implying?" asked Edge.

"Do you even know what imply means?" he asked.

"...Ok, I may be empty headed sometimes, but I'm my own kind of smart, so THERE!" he replied.

Soon after that, Kelly stormed up to the girls outside after her failed attempt to impress Edge...

"Kelly!" exclaimed Candice. "What'd Edge say?"

"What'd he do?" asked Maria.

"Well, ladies, believe it or not, he did nothing." she replied.

"Nothing? You mean he STILL didn't notice you?" cried Eve.

"No, there's no way that he could be THAT stupid." Candice agreed.

Kelly sighed. "Edge isn't stupid, but I just wish he wasn't so loose minded. I just wish he'd care more about me." she replied.

"He does care about you, Kel. Sometimes he doesn't show it, but deep down somewhere in there he still loves you." replied Maria.

"I know. But I just wish...that's it!" she exclaimed, brightening up.

"What?" they asked, headed towards the nearby Renaissance Fair.

"Look over there. See that group of mobsters?" she asked.

"Yeah, but aren't they dangerous? What if they make us prostitutes or something?" asked Eve.

"They won't do that. Just come with me." she replied. "Uh, excuse me?" she asked them.

A guy with a cigar in his mouth and three other men dressed in black turned around and saw the girls...and Kelly's chest.

"Yeah-WOWZA, what a rack!" the guy exclaimed.

"Uh, can you please not stare there?" she asked.

"Uh, my sincerest apologies. Allow us to introduce ourselves. I'm Big Gino, and these are my hit men Tiny, Luciano, and Capone." he said, kissing her hand.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Kelly, and these are my friends Candice, Maria, and Eve." she said.

"Hi-Hello." they replied.

"Hello." he smirked. "And what may I ask, bring you 4 beautiful women to Gino?"

"Well, you're mobsters, right?" asked Kelly.

"Yeah, last time I checked."

"Well, I'm trying to teach my boyfriend a lesson and I need your help." she said.

"Want my men to put a hit on him?" he asked.

"NO!" Kelly cried, afraid. "Please, don't hurt anyone. I have a plan and you guys can help me."

"Ok. So say we do help you. What exactly do we get in return?" he asked.

"Hmm..." Kelly smirked, getting a great idea.


	19. Act 4: Loveless in Texas pt 4

**Chapter 19**

Later, the guys were headed out of the cafe...

"Ok, why is everyone giving me the cold shoulder?" demanded Edge. "I should be the angry one since you stole my damn game away!"

"Look, there is more to life than stupid video games, all right?" cried Jeff. "If you didn't know, there's poverty in the world, natural disasters, people dying every day and all you're concerned about is some goddamn video game? You make me sick."

Edge looked at him. "Uh, whoa. Passive-aggressive much?" he asked.

"No, I'm just upset because this cat's _clawing into my shoulder, _STOP IT!" Jeff cried, prying Random Kitty away.

"Meow." it said innocently.

"You really should be ashamed of yourself, Edge. Kelly had that huge rack and you just ignored her!" Hunter exclaimed.

"I didn't ignore her!" he cried.

"'Yeah, uh, Kel, could you move aside, please, your huge boobs are blocking my light.'" Shawn imitated.

"I-you weren't even in the room!" he cried.

"Well, it didn't mean that I wasn't eavesdropping! YEAH, I ADMIT IT!" he cried.

"Look, the fact of the matter is-hey, what's this?" he asked, picking up a note from the ground.

"What does it say?" asked Matt.

"Oh my God, it's like a ransom note. 'Dear Edge, we have kidnapped your girlfriend and your friends' girlfriends, too.'" he read.

"WHAT?" Randy, Jeff, and Matt exclaimed.

"'If you want to still see them alive, come to the Renaissance Fair, ready to fight. If you don't end up dead, you can have the girls back.'" he finished.

"That's it? It's a ransom note, so why wouldn't they ask for anything in return for the girls?" asked Matt.

"Dude, this is no time for overanalyzing stuff, we gotta save our women!" Edge exclaimed, speeding off along with the guys. "Kelly, I'LL SAVE YOU!"

Soon after that, the guys rushed through the renaissance fair to look for the girls, when Randy said, "Ok, men, whatever we do, we have to stick together as a unit. The more of us here, the better chance we'll have of winning the fight."

"Heh heh. Unit." Edge chuckled before he slapped himself. "Focus, dude. Think about Kelly."

"Hey, guys?" asked Jeff.

"Yeah?" asked Randy.

"Shawn and Hunter are missing." he said.

"Well, that didn't last long." he finished. "They can take care of themselves. The girls need us, now come on!"

"I LOVE YOU, KELLY!" Edge cried, tripping over a jester before nearly running him over as he ran off. The jester was about to get up when the other three ran him over, along with Random Kitty, too. "Meow!"

...

Meanwhile, Shawn and Hunter were wandering around the fair...

"Shawn, maybe we should've stuck around with the others." Hunter said. "They might be pissed with us for wandering off."

"Oh, please, Hunter, we're grown men, we can wander wherever we want to! Besides, we're the ones with the only mode of transportation, so they can't complain to us." Shawn replied.

"Wow, look at all this food..." Hunter said. "Capon, neck bones, sweet potatoes, onion gravy, biscuits-OHH! Link sausages...OMG, I'm drooling!"

"Yeah and-Oh, sweet custard." Shawn said, looking at something.

"What?" he asked. "WHAT?"

"C-Could it be? IT IS!" he cried. "Hunter, look! Tubby Toast!"

His expression dropped. "Shawn, are you kidding me?" he asked flatly.

"Kidding-NO! They never said it existed, they said I was wrong, but LOOK! PROOF!" he exclaimed, holding up a smiley faced slice of toast.

"Why is it smiling at me?" he asked.

Shawn tried one and melted into a smile. "Yum..."

"Look, if you're done here, I'm gonna get to the capon before-" he was stopped when Shawn shoved the toast into his mouth. "Oh, my God, cinnamon. This is the greatest thing I have ever tasted."

"Didn't I tell ya?" asked Shawn. "See, we have all this good food here just waiting to be eaten."

They looked at the food before smirking towards one another. After that, they suddenly snatched random foods and began eating like it was their last meal, and sank to the ground savoring every last bite.

Meanwhile, the girls were strolling through the fair...

"Kel, this idea of yours was genius!" exclaimed Eve, carrying a balloon sword. "This way, we'll see just how much our guys would go through to 'save' us."

"Exactly. And in the meantime, we get to enjoy this awesome fair." she agreed, carrying a stuffed unicorn.

"But I kinda feel bad for the guys. I know you're trying to teach Edge a lesson, but the others are probably really worrying their heads off right now." replied Maria, with stars painted by her eyes and carrying a stuffed dragon.

"It's for their own good, Ria. Once they see that we're totally fine, this whole thing'll be over." Candice replied, carrying a huge lollypop and wearing glitter on her cheeks.

"Yep! So what do you guys want to do next?" Kelly asked, when they walked by the food stands. "Wait. Do you hear something?"

_"MMM!-Yes!-This is amazing!"_ cried some voices from under a table.

Maria raised an eyebrow. "What is this?" she asked.

_"Yes, yes, YES!-So...GOOD! OOH, CREAM FILLING! More, more, MORE! Keep em coming!"_

The girls looked around in shock. "Where is this coming from?" asked Candice.

_"Mmm, Yes, oh God, YES!"_

"Ok, what the hell is going on down here?" Eve demanded, whipping up the table cover to reveal Shawn and Hunter sitting across from one another, casually eating their food. "Guys?"

"Hey." greeted Shawn.

"Sup?" asked Hunter.

"So, uh...whatcha doing down there?" asked Kelly.

"Eatin." they replied.

"Do you always make so much noise when you eat?" asked Candice.

"No, but on occasions like this, yeah." replied Hunter.

Silence.

"So, uh, could you please put the cover back down? We don't want the food to get cold." said Shawn.

"Sure, sorry. Just don't tell the guys that we're not in danger, ok? Bye!" Kelly exclaimed as they headed off.

_"PUPPIES!"_ Hunter exclaimed.

* * *

Meanwhile, the guys headed into a nearby security booth for some answers...

"Ok, I dunno how a security booth's gonna help us find the girls." said Matt.

"They can find the guys responsible for kidnapping them so's that we can start kicking their asses the minute we see them, must I explain everything to you?" asked Edge.

"Uh, I think that goes the other way around." he replied flatly.

"Can we stop arguing and focus?" cried Randy, approaching a security guard. "Excuse me, we're looking for a possible thug who kidnapped our girlfriends."

"Thug, you say? We've seen no such person." the guard said with a Spanish accent.

"We don't know what he looks like either, but he left us this note." Edge said, handing it to him.

He read over the note and combed his mustache. "Hmm, looks serious. But we have no information as to how to catch this criminal."

"Look, maybe if we show you pictures of our girls, you can tell us if you've seen them or not." Jeff said, taking out his wallet while the other three did the same. The guard looked over the pictures and said, "Sorry, doesn't ring a bell."

"Look, isn't there anything you guys can do to help?" cried Edge.

"Sir, we are only responsible for keeping the fair in a safe and enjoyable matter, not for tracking down thugs who might kill us!" he exclaimed.

He looked shocked. "I don't care about you! I WANT MY WOMAN BACK!" Edge cried.

"Sir, I am warning for you to keep your temper down, or else I will-"

"Bite me, Cesar Chavez!" he cried, grabbing the nearest thing available, a statue, and speeding out of the booth.

"HEY!" the guard exclaimed, while the other three quickly followed him out.

"Edge, why the hell did you take that thing? Now the cops are gonna be on our asses!" Jeff exclaimed.

"I don't care! I need to find Kelly!" he replied, speeding along. The guys nearly plowed through people until a guard slid in front of their path. "STOP RIGHT THERE!" he cried.

As a reply, Edge crashed the statue over his head, breaking the statue and knocking the guard out.

"What did you do?" cried Randy.

"Nobody saw that!" he replied as they kept running.

"Edge, you do realize that you just assaulted a public official?" cried Matt.

"Well, he ain't official anymore." he shrugged. "Hold on, let's catch a breather over here."

"You know, dude, if you'd just paid attention to Kelly in the first place, we wouldn't be running from anybody right now." said Randy.

"I know." he sighed. "She probably thinks that I love that dumb video game more than her, which I don't. Edge screws up again, and now, Kelly's life is on the line because of it."

"Look, there's still time to fix this, all right? We just gotta search harder, and hopefully we'll find the girls before it's too late." replied Jeff.

Then, the TV behind them had Texas' Most Wanted on and began showing the first criminal.

"Oh, wait a minute, maybe Texas Most Wanted'll show the guy who kidnapped the girls." said Matt.

On TV, the announcer said, _"Crime Stoppers and the Texas Police Department are seeking the public's help in identifying the following subjects in connection with a robbery attempt that occurred at a Houston Fair. At approximately 3:30 pm, the subject pictured here, along with 3 others, approached a security booth and stole a $5,000 statue. The subjects later fled the scene and the lead subject assaulted an officer with the statue. These subjects are charged with obstruction of justice, petty larceny, destruction of property, and many other outstanding warrants. The subjects are 4 Caucasian males, around 6' tall, and each may have had multiple tattoos. If you have any information on the whereabouts of these subjects, please call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-227-TIPS. All calls will be kept confidential."_

After it ended, the four looked shocked before slowly turning around to find the entire fair glaring towards them.

"Oh, my Damn." Jeff said, holding Random Kitty.

"GET THEM!" they cried before the four ran off for their lives.

"We are so dead." Randy muttered.


	20. Act 4: Loveless in Texas pt 5

**Chapter 20**

The four continued speeding through the place and dodging everyone they could...

"We can't get away from these guys, can we?" cried Matt.

"Yeah, really! I almost got arrested once, I don't need it happening again!" agreed Jeff.

"It won't happen!" Edge called back. "Whatever else happens, I got it covered!"

"Look where THAT got us!" Randy exclaimed.

"Hey, I need to do something right for once, and I WILL save Kelly and prove that I'm not a total failure!" he replied. "She deserves better than me, yet she chooses me. Why?"

"Hell if we know." the others replied at the same time while he shot them a look.

"Thanks, pals." he replied flatly.

"Hey, nobody's on our tails anymore, we can chill for a second." Randy announced.

Edge looked up and saw an open door ahead. "Think there's somebody in there that'll help us out?" he asked.

"Go check." replied Matt.

"Ok, I will!...Ok, it's dark in there, can't someone come with me?" he asked.

"GO!" they replied, shoving him towards the room.

They waited for a response from Edge until they heard gunshots and saw Edge speeding back out for his life. "WRONG WAY, WRONG WAY!" he screamed, speeding back while the guys quickly followed them with a few mobsters on their tails. They dodged the gunshots and ran around the fair until they reached the center, where a ton of costumed renaissance guys surrounded them.

The four were cornered and looked around to see that they had no way to escape. "Ok, Edge, after today, I am never listening to a thing you say again." Randy said.

"Guys, why don't we just fight these guys in the only way we know how?" Edge asked, holding up a fake sword and swinging it towards one of the guys. The others followed along. A guy swung a punch towards Jeff, where he ducked and clocked him back. Another guy punched Randy, but he fought back and leg swept him to the ground. Two guys were about to attack Matt, when he dodged them and thumped their heads together, knocking them out. Edge speared a guy, Jeff performed a Twist of Fate on another, Randy RKO'd a third guy, and Matt performed a Side Effect on somebody else. Seeing all the damage, Edge smiled and exclaimed, "I think we're winning!"

A few minutes later...

"UH!" Edge cried, being tied up and tossed to the side with the others. They looked at him. "Well, we wouldn't be in this predicament if you'd all pull your weight around here!" he snapped at them.

"Oh, shut up!" they snapped back, glaring at him.

Then, one of the guys approached them and said, "What business have you here, causing trouble and causing terror on the good security guards?"

"Look, dude, my girlfriend and my friends' girlfriends have all been kidnapped by some dude, and if we don't find them in time, it'll be too late!" Edge exclaimed. "So could you please let us go before I go all Stone Cold and open a can of Whoop Ass on you?"

As a reply, the guy punched him across the face and said, "Take him away to be sentenced!"

Two guys lifted him over their shoulders while Edge cried, "Wait, wait! Guys, help a dude out, HELP ME, DAMN IT!"

They looked towards him.

"_I HATE YOU ALL!" _he shouted from a distance.

"Well, at least the instigator of all this is finally out of the picture." Matt announced.

The guy looked the three over while Jeff announced, "And what the hell are you wearing, a flipping potato sack? I'll give you 5 bucks and you could do wonders for yourself. I know, my girlfriend's a fashion expert."

He looked at him.

"...PBBT!" he spat at him.

The guy punched him in the gut while Jeff cried out, "Ohh...wanker."

"HEY!" Matt cried. "Don't you dare lay a hand on my little brother! You have to deal with me before you mess with him!"

After that, the guy punched him across the face. "...I saw that coming." he said. Then, he approached Randy. He sighed. "Go ahead."

He slapped him across the face before he looked at him in shock. "...OW!"

"Ok, men, while we decide whether or not to take these three to the guillotine..." the guy said.

Randy smiled brightly while Matt and Jeff said, "NO!"

"...Lock these sinners up." he finished, while the other guards led them away.

"The guillotine still would've been cool." Randy said.


	21. Act 4: Loveless in Texas pt 6

**Chapter 21**

Soon after that, the three were thrown into a small prison, and the door slammed after them...

"UH!" Randy cried, falling face first to the floor. He quickly got up and headed towards the door and pounded on it, crying, "COME BACK! I CAN'T BE TRAPPED IN HERE WITH THEM!"

Matt and Jeff looked at him, insulted.

"And just what is wrong with us?" demanded Matt.

Randy looked at them and turned back to the door, screaming, "HELP! ONE THINKS THAT HE'S A GENIUS AND THE OTHER'S JUST CRAZY WITH A DEMONIC CAT!"

"I'm not a genius! Just extremely close to it." Matt said, crossing his arms.

"And I-Well, he's right about me." Jeff shrugged, letting Random Kitty loose where she chased Randy around the room.

"AAH! HELP!" he exclaimed, trying to climb a wall while Kitty latched onto his leg.

"Man, I just hope that those guys didn't hurt the girls." Matt sighed. "I don't know what I'd do without Eve. She drives me crazy in the worst way, but I love that about her."

"I'd totally go insane without Maria. She's my heart and my inspiration, my Whisper in the Wind." added Jeff.

"And Candice is the best thing that's ever happened to me in years. She's the only one who keeps me from going into a fit of rage every splitting second. I can't lose her, not like this." Randy agreed.

"Well, God knows where Edge is and if he's all right, but we have to find a way out of here." announced Matt. "The girls need us and we can't let them down."

"You're right. Now maybe there's a trap door somewhere in here if we look hard enough." Jeff said, looking around.

After that, though, Randy saw something weird happening to one of the walls. "Guys, hold up." he said, pointing to the wall, where someone seemed to be poking through. Then, Edge, equipped with a huge power drill, poked to the other side and saw the guys. "Dudes! Edge has come to the-OOF!" he began, before Shawn and Hunter, (clad in black laundry bag costumes with the eyes cut out), swung through the door with a rope, kicked Edge out cold, and announced, "Never fear, DX is here!"

"Shawn, Hunter!" exclaimed Jeff.

"Where the hell have you two been while we were out running for our lives?" demanded Randy.

"Uh...Eating." replied Hunter.

"And what is with these costumes? We know that's you under there." Matt said, snatching the bags off.

"Well, we wanted to look cool, like Batman!" exclaimed Shawn.

"Superman." replied Hunter.

"Oh, he's all played out, the Green Lantern is what it's all about!" exclaimed Shawn.

"Are you serious, Doc Oc is the best!" exclaimed Hunter.

"No! Kid Flash is!" cried Shawn.

"WOLVERINE!" cheered Jeff.

"Will you butt out?" they demanded to him before they got back into their argument.

"Hey, I can say whatever I want to, I know my rights! I got freedom of speech!" Jeff joined in the argument. While the three were screaming at one another, Randy and Matt just stood there, not knowing what to do. "I say we just leave." Randy said.

"Agreed." he replied.

"Look, look! All that matters is that we came here to save you. Everyone ok here?" asked Hunter.

"We're all still alive." replied Randy. "Now we just gotta make sure the girls still are."

"Aww, I wanted to save the day!" Edge whined, getting up. "Oh, this is just great! First, I piss Kelly off, then I nearly get us killed, and now, I can't even do some justice by-"

He paused, once Kelly and the girls arrived, along with the mobsters.

"Kelly!" he exclaimed, brightening up.

"Eve!" Matt cried, rushing to her.

"Maria!" Jeff cried, rushing to her.

"Candy!" Randy exclaimed, rushing to her.

"Well, we missed you guys, too!" Candice exclaimed with a smile.

"Oh, Kelly, thank God you're all right!" Edge exclaimed, wrapping her in a hug. "I was so worried about you."

"Oh, were you? I'm surprised you even noticed." she said, crossing her arms.

"Kel, listen, I was wrong, ok? I'm sorry I let that stupid game take my attention away from you. You're amazing, Kel, and you deserve all the attention in the world." he said, taking her hands. "When I heard that you were in trouble, I was going crazy trying to find you, we nearly got killed!"

"Edge, let me let you in on a secret. We were never in any danger." she replied.

"Que?" he asked, surprised.

"See those mobsters over there? I asked them to make a fake ransom note to see if you'd actually come and save us, since you weren't paying any mind to me before." she explained.

"So, we nearly got killed for nothing?" asked Randy.

"You guys did it for us, that's all that matters." Candice smiled, wrapping him in a kiss.

"And Kel, I can't believe you got a boob job! You don't have to change yourself to impress me, I love you just the way you already are." Edge told her.

She smiled. "Adam..." she began. "I love you, too. Now come here." she said, before they shared a passionate kiss.

"AWWWWW!" everyone, including the mobsters, exclaimed.

"And don't worry, I didn't really get implants." Kelly said, taking out the fake silicones from out of her bra. "WHOO!" she cheered, tossing them aside, where Eve caught one. "I don't want it!" she laughed, tossing it aside.

"I don't want it either!" Maria laughed.

"Mine are a good size already!" Candice joked, tossing it away.

"Yuck, it's all warm!" Jeff exclaimed, tossing it to Matt.

"Don't give it to me!" he cried, tossing it to Randy.

"Hot Potato." he said, throwing it, where it landed on Edge's face. "Bull's Eye."

"Oh, nice. REAL nice!" Edge snapped, tossing it to the ground.

"Well, all's well that ends well. Let's get the hell up outta here!" exclaimed Hunter.

"Aww, but it's Texas! Can't we stay for another hour?" Shawn whined as they all headed off.

"Oh, Gino, here's your end of the deal." Kelly said, handing him her picture with a kiss on it. "Thanks."

"You do good business, little lady. Heh heh! Be still, my beating heart!" he exclaimed, heading the other way.


	22. Act 5: California Dreamin

**Chapter 22**

Act 5 - A Supermarket, A Proposal, and A California Dream

After the gang left Texas, their van ended up being carjacked by a group of thugs, leaving them without a ride. Afterwards, they met up with a pilot who agreed to fly them anywhere they wanted, and after that, the gang was headed towards California...

In the plane...

"I still can't believe those thugs hijacked our bus!" cried Hunter. "What the hell am I supposed to explain to those nuns now?"

"Uh, dude? Even if we still had the bus, those nuns weren't getting it back either way." replied Shawn.

"But still! What if they put some kind of curse on us for stealing? Isn't that a sin?" he cried.

"WELL, Hunter, we wouldn't have to be worrying if you hadn't stolen the damn bus in the first place. I tried to stop you, but NO, as always, you refuse to listen to your ol buddy, right?" he asked. "RIGHT? Are you even listening to me?"

"Look, a bunny." Hunter replied, pointing to a random one in the corner of the plane.

"BUNNY!" Maria cried, shoving the two out of the way and picking it up. "Aww...who's a cute widdle thing?" she smiled. "Enigma, look at her!"

Jeff approached her with Random Kitty on his shoulder. "Aww. Where'd she come from?" he asked.

"I guess she was already on the plane. ...Let's keep her!" she smiled.

"Maria, we already have a pet." he replied.

"But we can't just leave her here! Do you really want to leave this adorable little thing on the plane all by herself?" she asked, practically shoving the bunny in his face.

"I-All right." he replied. "But that's it."

Meanwhile...

"I wonder what we could all do in California." announced Eve. "Ooh! OOH! Do you know all the stores available for shopping? DO YOU, Matty Bear?" she cried, shaking him.

"Eve, I know, but there's more to life than shopping." he replied.

She looked at him. "Don't ever talk to me like that." she said seriously.

"Babe-"

"I'm dead serious; do not ever say those words to me again. Without clothes shopping, you, I, and this whole damned world would be running around like nudists! Now, you're a conservative guy and you wouldn't want that, right?" she asked.

"Of course not! All right, Eve, if it's that bad for you, I'll take you shopping, jeez!" he cried.

"Yay, I love you." she smiled, giving him a hug.

"You know, I've always wanted to join a nudist colony." Edge smiled. "It seems so...carefree and natural."

"Why?" Jeff asked with a look. "Nobody wants to see you rocking out with your cock out."

"Well, you should talk!" he demanded back. "Remember that party we all went to when you got too drunk and you flashed yourself to everyone before-"

"SHUT UP!" Jeff snapped, petting Random Kitty.

"Ok. And in fact, I'm gonna start my own nudist colony right now! KICK IT!" Edge cried, unzipping his pants.

"NO!" they all cried, stopping him.

"Please, if the pilot sees that, she'll go blind and we'll all go crashing down and die." replied Matt.

"Phooey on you people." he pouted, crossing his arms.

Kelly smiled, took his arm, and said, "Why don't you save that for me later on? I promise I'll make it worth your while."

He bit his lower lip and growled. "Oh, baby, you are a lifesaver." he smiled before they wrapped themselves in a passionate kiss.

Meanwhile...

Maria saw that Candice was crossing her arms and looking jealous at Randy and the woman pilot who were chatting, and sat next to her. "Hey, Candykins, what's wrong?" she asked.

"It's just that Randy and the pilot's been chatting it up ever since we got on this plane and he hasn't even said a word to me." she replied.

"Well, Randy's allowed to talk to whoever he wants to, isn't he?" she asked.

"Of course, but she won't stop talking to him, like, she's trying to get her paws into him." she replied.

"Look, Randy knows you're right over here, so it's not like he's gonna kiss her or anything." replied Maria.

Meanwhile...

"So, how long did it take for you to get all those tattoos done?" the pilot asked Randy.

"Well, this arm took about 9, 10 hours and this one took around 12." he replied. "Cost one hell of a lot, but it was worth it."

"That is amazing. I love guys with ink on their arms." she replied.

"Yeah, well, my girlfriend likes it, too." he chuckled.

"She's very lucky to have you." she replied.

"No, I'm lucky to have her." he replied, turning back to Candice and flashing her a smile.

She smiled back and blushed while Maria said, "See? He's still crazy about you, Candy. You gotta just trust him."

"Yeah, you're right, Ria." she agreed, still smiling towards Randy.

Right after that, the plane shook violently while everyone grew worried.

"Whoa, what's going on?" cried Kelly.

"Hang on, guys, the plane's experiencing some turbulence!" the pilot cried, trying to get control of the plane. "Whoa!"

"'Whoa'? What do you mean, 'Whoa'?" cried Hunter. "You're a professional, aren't you?"

"Yeah, not really." she replied, hopping out of the driver's seat and putting on a parachute. "Well, gotta run, see you all later! And Randy, call me." she smiled before leaping off.

"HEY, YOU STAY AWAY FROM HIM, HE'S MINE!" Candice cried.

"Uh, is anyone still aware that the pilot fled the plane which is crashing down as we speak, with us still on it?" asked Shawn.

Silence.

"AAH!" they all screamed, running around in circles.

"Wait, WAIT!" cried Matt. "Look, there are some extra parachutes here for all of us, all right? Let's all just carefully-"

"COME ON, BEFORE WE DIIIIIIIIIIEEE!" Eve cried, grabbing him, a parachute, and leaping out of the plane.

Jeff, with Random Kitty and Maria, with Random bunny, each took parachutes, took each other's hands, and smiled at one another before leaping out of the plane, cheering as they were flying down. "WHOOOOOO!" they exclaimed.

"COWABUNGA!" Hunter cried while Shawn cried, "HOLD ME, HUNTER!"

"WOODSTOCK 69! WHOO!" Edge cried for no apparent reason, as he and Kelly flew down.

"Matt, would you put that damn book down and scream for your life?" Eve cried while Matt was reading as he was falling. "Aah." he cried dully.

"Randy, wait for-" Candice exclaimed while Randy already leaped out of the plane, apparently not giving her a second thought. "...me." she finished with a sigh, before jumping out last.


	23. Act 5: California Dreamin pt 2

**Chapter 23**

Not long after that, the gang landed on some grass in a field somewhere, but were knocked out...

Randy somehow got separated from the gang, when he heard someone say, "Is he all right?"

"He's so cute. Call him." another one said.

"Hey, you all right, handsome?" she asked.

He slowly opened his eyes to see two blonde women looking down at him. "Ehh...wha?" he grumbled.

"Wow, what beautiful eyes you have." one of them smiled.

"Who are you?" he asked.

The two helped him up while one of them said, "I'm May."

"And I'm June." the other replied with a smile.

"What, do you have a triplet named July?" he said sarcastically.

They laughed. "You're funny."

"Welcome to California. You been here before?" asked May.

"Yeah, I go here all the time, why?" he asked.

"Well, we sure need to see you more often." replied June. "So, if you don't have any plans, come and hang out with us."

"Yeah, we'll show you the best time of your life." agreed May, taking his other arm.

"Like hell you will!" Candice cried from behind.

"Candy!" Randy exclaimed, whipping around and whipping away from the girls. "They found ME, not the other way around, ok?"

"Who are you?" asked June.

"I'm Candice, his GIRLFRIEND, but I'm a little surprised that he never told you that." she said, glaring at him.

"You have a girlfriend?" they demanded, glaring at him.

"I can't believe you tried to put the moves on us anyway!" exclaimed May.

"NO, I DIDN'T!" Randy cried. "I woke up here and you two were all over me!"

"Oh, liar! Come on, May, let's get outta here." replied June.

While Randy stood there in shock, Candice glared at him before walking off on her own.

"Candy!" he called. "Babe, hold on!"

"Is there a problem, Rand?" asked Edge.

"STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS!" he screamed to them all, before he ran to catch up with Candice.

"No need to yell, we're like, 2 feet away." Hunter said.

"Candice, just listen." he said, stopping her. "I was knocked out and they found me and tried to put the moves on me. I never laid a hand on either of them, because I love you. I would never lay eyes on anyone else, you gotta believe me."

She looked at him before breaking into a smile. "How could I resist those eyes? Of course I believe you." she replied.

He smiled back and wrapped her in a passionate kiss. "I love you."

"I love you, too." she smiled.

"Aww, how sweet! Now that you two are ok, let's go and see what California has to offer!" exclaimed Maria.

"YEAH! WOOHOO!" they agreed.

"I wonder if we'll get to meet Wayne Brady. Funny guy. I've always wanted to meet him." Shawn said as they all headed off.

...

Later, the gang was on one of those tour buses with a guide showing them a bunch of famous houses and sightings...

"And if you look to your left, you'll see the exact house where the Munsters was filmed." she said.

"WOW!" Shawn exclaimed, taking random snapshots. "Can you believe it, man? This is where Herman Munster lived! And he gave me nightmares as a kid!"

Hunter laughed. "Me, too. But I hate how they always dissed that blonde chick on the show. She was pretty damn hot." he replied.

"I actually had a crush on Hurman's wife. For a bride of Frankenstein, she was scary hot. Heh. Get it? Scary? Because she's a monster and-" he began.

"I know, Shawn, don't kill the joke." he replied. "How you guys holding up?"

"Pretty awesome!" replied Jeff. "I never thought I'd ever see the house of the guy who invented Skittles. I ought to pay him lots of money, but I don't feel like it."

"Meow." agreed Random Kitty.

"Oh, Jeff!" exclaimed Maria. "Look, a squirrel!"

"Maria, we are not keeping the squirrel." Jeff said sternly.

"But look how-"

"I know how cute it is, but two pets are enough, so we're not keeping the squirrel, ok?" he asked.

Her lip trembled. "You're so mean, Jeff! You're usually never mean to me, but now you are!" she whimpered.

"Ria-"

"All I wanted to do was save some defenseless little animal from this cruel world, but you won't let me! Who knows, if I let this squirrel go, it could become road kill in the next 5 seconds! You wouldn't want that on your conscience, would you? To know that you could've saved its life but decided not to?" she demanded.

He sighed. "Ok, Maria, we can keep it." he replied. "I care about animals just as much as you do, and I'm sorry if I upset you. Forgive me?"

She smiled. "Of course I do." she smiled, kissing him.

"And if you look to your right, right by this handsome man's gorgeous physique..." the guide said, gazing towards Randy and mouthing, 'Call me.' "...You'll find the same place where Charles Manson murdered his first victims."

Candice pouted while Randy said, "Hey, I can't help it if I have good looks!"

Then, a woman fell into his lap while picking up her purse. "Ooh, I am sorry, I leaned over to pick up my purse and happened to land on your lap." she said with a smile.

"It's all right." he replied.

A few minutes later, another woman did the same before Candice shoved her away and sighed. "I just wish all these women would stop throwing themselves at you. What am I, invisible?" she asked.

"You kidding, these women are all intimidated by your beauty." he replied while she smiled a little.

"And they better know that you're my territory." she replied, giving him a kiss.

Soon after that, the gang headed off the bus, when Randy dropped his wallet on the ground. But before he could pick it up, a swarm of girls all shoved Candice out of the way and fought over who got to hand him back his wallet. "Here you go." they all said.

"Uh, t-thanks?" he asked, quickly heading off.

"I'm surprised that they never took the wallet and ran. That's what I would've done." Matt announced.

"Wow, you've really got one hell of a following there, Rand." Eve announced.

"I want a following like that! Why does Mr. Anger Disorder get one and not me?" demanded Edge.

"We don't need to give you the real answer, dude." Hunter replied.

"Candice-" Randy began.

"Look, Randy, I've been patient for a really long time here, but now I've just about had it. I'm tired of all these women throwing themselves at you and I'm tired of being treated like I'm not even here!" she cried.

"Hey, it's not my fault if they just happen to be in love with me! I can't help it that my good looks attract women!" he cried.

"Well, how would you like it if I had a swarm of guys chasing after me everywhere?" she demanded.

"I'd murder them all." he replied.

"I'm serious!" she cried.

"So am I!" he cried. "Look, I told you that I love you, but apparently, you're too jealous to see that!" he cried.

"What?" she demanded.

"HEY, Hey, hey, cool it down, people. I know just the way to settle this." announced Shawn.

"How?" asked Randy.

"Simple. Compete on Supermarket Sweep!" he exclaimed, gesturing to the studio. "They're taping new shows again!"

They looked at him. "Who invited you on this trip again?" he asked.

While Shawn gasped in shock, Candice said, "Never mind him, Shawn, that's a great idea! In fact, we can ALL be in the show!"

"I loved this show when it used to come on." agreed Jeff.

"Well, rules say that there can only be three teams of two per game." replied Hunter.

"Candy, let's just settle our differences and-" Randy began.

"No, Randy, I want my BFF Maria to be my partner." she smiled devilishly, taking her hand.

"Sure!" she smiled.

"Aw, I wanted Ria to be my partner." Jeff pouted.

"Well, you always have your big brother to fall back on." replied Matt.

He smiled. "I'll take it!"

"But-" began Randy.

Edge slid next to him. "Hi, partner." he greeted.

"Fine. Fine, Candice, you want to be this way, then so be it! But be ready to apologize to me once Edge and I beat you girls." Randy said.

"Oh, such bitter words, but after Ria and I win, you'll be eating them." Candice replied.

"What about US?" cried Jeff.

"We'll be your cheering section, don't worry, now let's get us a Sweep going, WHOO!" exclaimed Eve.

* * *

**_AN: For those of you who've never heard of Supermarket Sweep, it's this really fun game show that used to come on TV a few years ago, one of my all time faves. If you want to check it out, there may be a few episodes somewhere on Youtube._**


	24. Act 5: California Dreamin pt 3

**Chapter 24**

A few hours later, Hunter, Shawn, Eve, and Kelly were all in the audience while the rest of the gang was ready to play. Matt and Jeff were Team 1, Candice and Maria were Team 2, and Randy and Edge were Team 3 and were all at their podiums onstage...

"Don't cry once I win." Randy and Candice muttered to one another.

"It's time to play Supermarket Sweep! And here is your host, the man who does his job with relish, David Ruprecht!" exclaimed the announcer while he ran onstage.

"WHOOO!" the crowd cheered.

"Thank you! Welcome to our all new Supermarket Sweep!" he exclaimed while the audience cheered once more.

"HI!" greeted Maria.

_"SOMEONE BRING US SOME NACHOS!" _Hunter called from the audience.

"You're supposed to say please." whispered Shawn.

"_PLEASE?"_ he cried.

"...Okay! It's all new because we've come up with new games to help build up your sweep time! So, let's get started by giving you the 1:30 you need to start you in the Big Sweep..." he gestured to their scoreboards.

*DING!*

"Whoa, that was awesome, can you do that again?" asked Edge. "I want a magic finger! See, the only magic thing I have is in my pants and-"

"WILL you shut up?" Randy nudged him.

"And now it's time for our first game, the Mini Sweep. One of you can pick up an extra 10 seconds and a cash bonus, who's up first?" he asked.

Candice glared at Randy and told Maria, "I'll deal with Randy later. Can you go first, please?"

"Sure, but sooner or later, you'll have to face him yourself." Maria replied, headed in front.

Randy looked at the two and told Edge, "I guess Candy's afraid of the big, bad wolf. Cover for me, ok? I'll deal with her later."

"Coolio." he agreed, stepping in front.

"Ok, Jeff, I have a great strategy for-" began Matt.

"ME FIRST, ME FIRST, ME FIRST!" Jeff cried, headed to the front.

"NO!" Matt cried, shoving past him.

"All righty, keep your hands on your buzzers, here we go. " he said, reading from a card. "'Eat politely and raise your pinkies, and you may be served-'"

Matt buzzed in first.

"Matt?"

"Well, I believe that the answer is Twinkies." he smirked.

*DING DING DING!*

"Correct!"

"YEAH!" Matt and Jeff cried, sharing a manly hug while their time went to 1:40.

"Ok, Jeff, Matt got you the 10 seconds, let's see if you can pick up that 50 bucks, and find the specially marked Twinkies and get em back to me in 30 seconds or less, 20 seconds or less and I'll double it to 100 bucks, you ready?" he asked.

"I'm DAMN ready!" he exclaimed.

"All right, GO!" he cried, while Jeff quickly sped off.

"Come on, bro, you can do this!" called Matt.

"I have faith in you, baby!" Maria cried when Candice looked at her.

"Don't cheer for the other team."

"But I love him." she pouted.

Meanwhile, Jeff sped through the place looking for the Twinkies while Matt yelled, "HURRY YOUR ASS UP, MAN! WE NEED TO WIN HERE, DAMNIT!"

"STOP YELLING AT ME!" Jeff yelled, snatching up the twinkies and speeding as fast as he could back to the host.

"MOVE IT!" Matt cried.

"I'm coming! I'm here, I'm heee-OW!" Jeff cried, tripping and falling, but quickly got up and handed the box to him. "I DID IT!" he cried in triumph. "YEAH!"

"WHERE ARE THE CHIPS?" called Hunter.

"Here, man!" he called, throwing the bag towards the audience, which landed on Shawn's face. "Ow."

"Yum!" Hunter cried, eating some.

"Shaaaare!" Shawn whined.

"Great job, Jeff, you made it back in under 20 seconds, that's 100 bucks, congratulations!" he exclaimed.

"THANK YOU!" he exclaimed, high fiving Matt. "And don't you dare yell at me again."

"It's called Motivation, grow up." he replied.

Later...

Matt, Edge, and Maria were up while their partners were backstage...

"Guys, I hope that Randy and Candice'll be all right backstage on their own." said Maria.

"Jeff'll be there to split them up if push comes to shove." replied Matt.

Meanwhile...

Randy and Candice were still arguing backstage while Jeff was shoved out of the green room. "HEY! I'd expect this from Orton, but not you, Candy!" he cried.

Back onstage...

"Now, it's time to play 'What's Correct.' I want you to look at these three items and be sure to notice the prices as well. Now, a 6 pk of Gerber's fruit juice at $2.12-" he began.

"OOH! I used to drink those all the time! Once, I tried to bathe myself with it, but my folks-" began Edge.

"EDGE!" Maria and Matt cried.

"...Okay! A box containing 80 Pampers fresh wipes at $3.19-"

"Those were so damned comfy, I don't think my ass has ever been happier!" he exclaimed.

"...AND a 33.3 oz bottle of Pedialyte oral solution at $5.29." he finished.

"Oral." Edge chuckled.

"Now, two of these items have the wrong price. Which one of the three is correct? 1, 2, or 3? If you're right, we'll add 10 seconds onto your sweep time, 30 seconds if all three of you are correct. Lock in your answers now." he explained.

Maria easily logged in an answer, Matt typed something into his calculator before logging in, and Edge peeked at Maria's answer before she glared at him and covered it, and he just logged in a random answer. "Ok, Matt, what did you choose?" he asked.

"Well, with careful reasoning and logic, the only true answer would be number 2, the Pampers." he replied.

"Maria?"

"Well, I chose number 3, the Pedialyte, cause I used to drink that stuff when I was a little girl. I remember watching Barney and Friends and that guy sang that song about the Lollipops and Gumdrops and-" Maria rambled on.

"Ok, ok, and Edge, what did you choose?"

"Numero tres, cause that's what she picked. Yeah, I saw." he smirked.

"You cheat!" she cried.

"Well, the correct answer is...number 3, the Pedialyte!" he exclaimed, while Matt cried, "WHAT? But I'm never wrong!"

"You were today, wooHOO!" Edge cheered.

"Now Maria and Edge each get 10 seconds and lookee here, we have a three way tie!" he exclaimed. "What will happen next to break this tie? Stay tuned!"


	25. Act 5: California Dreamin pt 4

**Chapter 25**

Later, Jeff, Candice, and Randy were up while the host was explaining the next game...

"You're mincemeat." Candice smirked towards Randy.

"Be careful of what you say, beautiful. I'm not playing around here and you don't want to mess with me." he told her.

"Is that a threat?" she replied.

"...Ok, hands on your buzzers, here we go. 'Three Men and A _ Carrot'"

*BUZZ!*

"Candice?"

"Three men and a *glares at Randy* _BABY _carrot." she smiled.

"Very good!" he exclaimed as her score went up to 1:50. "Next one. 'Novelist Stephen_ Crab'."

*BUZZ!*

"Randy?"

"Novelist Stephen *glares at Candice* _KING _- like me - crab." he replied.

As his score went to 1:50, he continued, "Bull _ Cream-"

*BUZZ!*

"BULL WHIP CREAM!" cried Candice as her score went to 2:00.

"Selson_ Light Special-"

"SELSON BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL!" Randy cried before Candice could while his score went to 2:00.

"Ok, last one, E-"

*BUZZ!*

"Jeff?"

"WOOHOO, I did it!" he exclaimed.

"Do you have an answer?"

"Oh, I dunno, I just wanted a turn." he replied.

He just looked at him and continued, "Ebony and_ Snow-"

*BUZZ!*

"IVORY!" Candice and Randy exclaimed. "I WAS FIRST!"

"Well, that's correct, we'll give it to the both of you!" he exclaimed as both their scores rose to 2:10. "Ready for another game?"

"BRING IT!" they exclaimed while Jeff mindlessly twirled a strand of his hair.

"Do I actually get some say into this?" he asked.

* * *

Later, Randy and Candice were tied at 2:50 while Jeff was still at 1:40. "Ok, it's time for the Round Robin game, let's bring out your partners!"

"Uh oh." Jeff muttered while Matt angrily stormed up to him and cried, "HOW the hell couldn't you answer a single question right?"

"I tried, Matt, but-"

"But nothing! We're still at the same 1:40 from the beginning!" he cried.

"Well, you didn't do so hot while you were up, DID YOU?" Jeff cried back.

"Never mind it. Let's just try and make a comeback here, all right?" he asked.

"Candy, you did great out here!" Maria exclaimed, hugging her.

"Thanks! I sure as hell wasn't gonna let HIM get ahead of me." she replied, glaring at Randy.

"Nice work, Rand. We're not failures for once in our lives!" exclaimed Edge.

"Yeah, you did good out here, too." he replied. "Now, we just gotta step up our game and make sure those girls don't stand a chance."

"And they say that cheating gets you nowhere." Edge agreed.

"Ok, we're gonna play Scrambled Letters, this is your last chance to add time to your sweep total, partners stand by, you're gonna be up next. After I show you a scrambled brand name, I will give you three clues to that product. Each answer's worth 10 seconds, there are 6 total, so the next 60 seconds are up for grabs. Get your hands on your buzzers, here we go."

The phrase IINARS NBAR was up while Jeff, Candice, and Randy were in front. He read, "Wake up-"

*BUZZ!*

"Jeff?"

"Uh..." he thought before the buzzer cut him off. "Well, crap, I didn't even get time to think!"

"Dude-" Matt grumbled.

"Wake up, two scoops, add milk..." he read.

Randy and Candice were too busy glaring at one another to answer the question.

*BEEP BEEP*

"Oh, too late, the answer was Raisin Bran, switch partners!" he exclaimed when Matt, Maria, and Edge were up next. A phrase NOALR EODON was up and he read, "Shortbread, Nabisco-"

*BUZZ!*

"Lorna Doone!" exclaimed Maria.

"That's correct, switch!" he exclaimed while Maria and Candice's score rose to 2:20 and the three switched. A phrase AFB TAURL was up and he read, "Powdered, load, deep clean-"

*BUZZ!*

"Fab Natural." said Jeff.

"Nope."

"Oh, come on!" he cried while Matt glared at him.

*BUZZ!*

"Uhh, Fab Tular!" Randy cried while Edge laughed.

"No."

"Damn it." he grumbled.

"No, it was Fab Ultra, switch!" he exclaimed while Matt, Maria and Edge were up and the phrase SUPO CEETRSS appeared when he said, "Hush hush, broth, mix-"

"SOUP SECRETS, YEAH!" Edge exclaimed.

"Correct, switch!" he exclaimed while Edge and Randy's score raised to 2:20. A phrase IJFU MLIF appeared while Edge muttered, "Does that say MILF? HAHA!"

He read, "Exposure-"

*BUZZ!*

"Fuji Film?" asked Jeff.

"Correct, switch!"

"YES!" Matt and Jeff cried while their score went to 1:50.

"And here's the last one." he said when the phrase LUPL-PUS appeared and he read, "Training-"

*BUZZ!*

"Pull ups!" exclaimed Matt.

*DING DING!*

"Correct!" he exclaimed while the two hugged and their score went to 2:00. "Great comeback, boys! Now let's see where we are, we have Randy and Edge and Candice and Maria tied at 2:20, and Matt and Jeff with a comeback time at 2:00, plus the $100 you got in the mini sweep! Now, who's gonna run the Big Sweep?"

"ME!" Candice and Randy exclaimed.

"HIM!" Matt cried, raising Jeff's hand.

"Hey, why do I gotta-" he cried.

"Ok, Jeff, Candice and Randy! Don't go away, when we come back, you're gonna see these three running like wild through our aisles, cause they have a chance to win $5,000 right here on Supermarket Sweep!" he exclaimed while Jeff was still arguing with Matt, and Candice and Randy were still staring bullets through one another.


	26. Act 5: California Dreamin pt 5

**Chapter 26**

Later, in the audience...

"You know, I forgot how much I loved this game." Kelly announced.

"Yeah, they're all doing an awesome job. I'm so glad Jeff and Matty Bear are catching up again." Eve smiled.

"I'm just afraid to see how this game's gonna tear apart Randy and Candice." she replied. "I've never seen them act this way before."

"I'll say." agreed Shawn. "At least competition's never torn Hunter and I apart, right, man?"

He was face-deep in his chip bag. "Dammit, Shawn, you took the last chip!" he cried. "What kind of friend steals the last potato chip?"

"HEY, it's not my fault that you're too cheap to go down there and buy your own bag!" he argued.

"CHEAP?" he demanded. "You wanna tussle?"

"AFTER YOU!" he cried before the two began beating the crap outta each other.

Back onstage, Matt and Jeff were wearing Red shirts, Candice and Maria were wearing Green shirts, and Randy and Edge wore Yellow ones while positioned at the checkout lines with their shopping carts...

"Ok, Jeff, I chose for you to run because you're the fastest, and we still really have a chance to make a comeback." Matt told him. "Now, we're only 20 seconds behind the others, but we can still do this, you know why?"

"Well, duh, cause we're the Hardys!" Jeff exclaimed.

"That's right, and we're gonna take this contest from right under their noses. I have the utmost faith in you, little bro." he said.

"Aww, thanks." he smiled. "So, you got a plan in mind?"

"Yeah. Listen up..."

Meanwhile...

"You sure you can do this without getting distracted, Candy?" asked Maria.

"Distracted? By who?"

"Randy!" she exclaimed. "Even though you're fighting now, I can still tell that you're in love with him."

She shrugged. "Of course I am, but I still gotta teach him a lesson and I need you to help me."

She smiled. "I'm glad you chose me to be your partner, Candy."

She smiled back. "Of course! You're my best friend in the world, why wouldn't I pick you?" she asked, giving her a hug.

Meanwhile...

"All right, Rand, we may be tied with the girls, but we can still win this. We're Rated RKO, remember? We take what we want, no matter how we get it." Edge told him.

"Damn right. After we win, I just hope that Candice'll stop being jealous all the time. Yeah, the ladies might love me, but she needs to realize that I only have eyes for her." he replied.

"Aww. Well, no time for sappiness now, we got a race to win!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah. Let's do this." Randy agreed.

"All right, we're back and now it's time for the Big Sweep!" the host exclaimed, while the crowd cheered. "Ok, Candice and Maria and Randy and Edge, you each have 2:20, so you'll both start first, and Matt and Jeff you'll be coming in next at 2:00! Boy, what a good Sweep this is gonna be. I want you to look out here. Everything in this store is up for grabs. You can fill as many of these carts as you want. Now listen carefully, these are the special Moneymakers we have for you in the market for today's big sweep. We have our international bread center and it's filled with all kinds of breads, but what I need you to bring me back are 2 kiser rolls, 1 poppy seed bagel, and 1 bialy. Now, you put em in a bag, seal em with a twist tie, and put em in your cart before the sweep is over and you will earn an extra $250!"

"BIG MONEY!" exclaimed Edge.

"Also, during the sweep, you're gonna hear my voice coming over the loudspeaker announcing the manager's special. In the market, you'll see a display of all kinds of products. We've marked three of them with a red X, now if you bring back one of the specially marked cans before the end of the sweep, we'll add an extra $200 to your sweep total!"

"MORE big money!" Edge exclaimed.

"Only one of those to a customer. Also in our market, there is what has to be the biggest box of Cheer. Attached to it are 4 envelopes worth anywhere from $25 to $100. Grab an envelope, whatever that is, we'll add that to your sweep total, also, we have the coffee and the candy for $100, and please, don't forget those bonus specials; they are worth up to $250! And of course the team whose runner's able to sweep up the most money and merchandise and bonus prizes wins the game and the right to go for $5,000 in cash!"

"WHOOOO!" they cheered.

"Ok, Candice, Randy, get ready, the clock is set at 2:20 and that is when you'll go off." he said while Candice and Randy were positioned with their carts in hand. "All right, ready, set, GO!"

As the two sped off, Edge and Maria cheered, "COME ON, CANDYKINS!-GO FOR THE BIG BUCKS, RAND!"

Randy sped down one aisle while Candice sped down another, as the announcer said, "Well, with those screams, it sounds like we've got one helluva race going on here! Randy takes no prisoners!" he exclaimed while he picked up 5 bottles of cooking oil.

Back at the stands, Jeff was positioned at his cart while the host said, "And...GO!" Jeff sped off as fast as he could while Matt cried, "REMEMBER THE PLAN! LET'S GO!"

"There goes Jeff, but he better watch out for our cameraman!" the announcer pointed out.

Jeff cried, "MOVE!" and nearly ran him down.

"And he makes a fast trip to the back of the market, smart. He knows filling our bread order means $250! Meanwhile, Candice is still going wild around here! She corners and stops for Polaroid Film, and expensive pans!" he exclaimed while Candice roared down the aisle. "Back with Randy, looks like he's running to the meat section next! Each of today's shoppers had a different strategy! And we'll find out later which one worked out best." he said while he grabbed 5 packs of meat.

"BRING HOME THE BACON, RANDY!" Edge cried. "I'M HUNGRY!"

"Back at the bread center, there's Jeff tying up that bag just like he should! Wow, there's a giant can of 7up and there he goes!" he exclaimed while Jeff lifted up the large inflatable can of 7up, and sped the prize back towards Matt. "Meanwhile, Candice makes her way back to the turkeys and-whoops, she lost one. That's one big bird that flew over the coop-er-cart!" he exclaimed as she quickly picked it back up. "And look, after his bonus sprint, Jeff found one of the bonus lucky money envelopes! And crossing paths is Randy, who also wants his chance to Cheer! And next are some moisture creams which now belong to Candice, busy tossing products off the beauty and healthcare shelves as fast as she can! Yes, she's still shopping like wild!

Jeff is doing a reverse course to Candice, headed for the meat section and grabbing our Premium Farmer John Hams. And there's Randy, and what a dilemma! Using one hand to steer and one to carry another bonus special!" he exclaimed as Randy held a giant barrel and steered his cart back towards Edge.

"EDGE!" he cried, shoving the cart and the prize at him while he nearly got run down.

"RAND-OOF!" he cried.

The announcer continued, "Back at the bread section, let's watch Candice. There's the bioly, and she remembered the kiser rolls, good! And now she's got 1 poppy seed bagel, that's it!"

*DING DING DING DING!*

Jeff headed to the manager's special display while the host said on the intercom, _"Attention, shoppers! The manager's special for today is Franco American Beef Gravy!"_

Jeff furiously searched for the can, while Randy quickly joined him. "Move it, Orton, I was here first!" he cried.

"No, I was! AHA!" he cried, finding the can.

"No, it's MINE!" Jeff argued, playing tug of war with it.

"LET GO!" he argued.

The can flew in the air and just happened to land in Candice's cart. "WOOHOO! Thanks, boys!" she cheered, heading back to shop while they looked in shock.

The announcer continued, "And Candice scores! That can of Gravy's worth $200! Reaching up high, Randy aims for saline solution, priced at $8.69. Across from him, Jeff gets shampoo priced at $8.99! Hey, it's getting crowded, but cameraman Marty just keeps on shooting!"

"MOVE!" Randy and Jeff cried, nearly running him over.

"COME ON, JEFF, IT'S ALL YOU RIGHT NOW, MAN!" Matt cried.

"LET'S GO RANDALL!" *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!* cried Edge.

"YOU'RE DOING GREAT, CANDY!" cried Maria.

There was 30 seconds left while the announcer continued, "Jeff's bringing diapers home, and so is Candice!"

The two growled at one another before heading off in separate directions. "And now he's done here and so is she. 24 seconds left in the big sweep and Randy found the poppy seed bagel! Candice found the lotions! Jeff has a few seconds left to shop in our gourmet deli! And all while Candice's tall reach helps her to get a tall supply of Advil! But oh no! Back at the bread center, Randy may be running out of time! Will he be able to finish off that order, we only have 1 second!"

"JEFF, MOVE IT!" Matt cried, practically pulling/dragging both Jeff and the cart back to the finish line before the time was up.

"THIS IS ABUSE!" Jeff cried angrily.

"Ok, that's it, everybody, come on back!" exclaimed the host. "Thank you, Johnny! All right, the checkers are standing by and in just a few seconds, we'll find out which team has the highest total and that's the team that's gonna be looking for $5,000! It's hiding out there someplace, just waiting for them! Stick around!"


	27. Act 5: California Dreamin pt 6

**Chapter 27**

"And welcome back to Supermarket Sweep! Our teams just finished one crazy Big Sweep and now we will find out who won the Big Sweep and who's going for the $5,000!" the host exclaimed.

"WHOOOO!"

"Ok, Jeff and Matt, let's see how much your Cheer envelope is worth."

Matt opened the envelope and said, "$25? You had to pick up the cheapest one outta all of them?"

"Hey, you weren't the one busting your ass out there, I was, so don't start." Jeff said sternly.

"Ok, and how about that bonus behind you?"

"Can't wait." Matt said, peeling off the sticker to reveal, "$250!" he exclaimed.

"A super bonus!" exclaimed the host.

"You were saying?" asked Jeff.

"I love you!" he exclaimed, hugging him.

"You got my bread, which was $250, and you picked up $100 in the mini sweep earlier, so we add that to all your groceries, and gives you a grand total today of...$1,128!" he exclaimed.

"WOOHOO!" cheered Jeff.

Matt grew from excited to pissed and slowly turned to look at Jeff, who sank behind his shopping cart. "WHAT? That's a great score!" Jeff exclaimed.

He still looked at him. "There could've been room for improvement."

"Come on! Look on the bright side, there's still a chance that either of them could get a lower score than us." he smiled a little. "How much more do you want from me?"

"I hope you're right." Matt replied, crossing his arms.

"Now, Maria and Candice, you got the bread, that's $250. You got my manager's special, that's another $200." the host said while Jeff kept sinking lower and lower as Matt shot him a look. "Let's look at that Cheer envelope..."

Maria opened it and revealed, "$100!"

"WHOO!" cheered Candice.

"Let's find out how much your bonus is worth..."

Candice peeled it off and revealed, "Another $100!"

"And we add that to all your groceries to give you a grand total of...$1,445!"

"WHOOOOOOOO!" the girls cheered, jumping around and wrapping each other in a hug while Randy shook his head, Edge cringed at the loud cheering, and Jeff clapped for the two before he saw Matt still glaring at him and he slowly stopped.

"Which puts you two in the lead! Now, Randy and Edge, let's see how much your bonus is worth..."

Edge peeled off the sticker to reveal, "$50 bucks? WHAT A RIP!" he cried.

"And if we add all your groceries and your grand total is greater than $1,445, you'll be looking for the $5,000. But if not, it's going to be Candice and Maria. Your grand total for your groceries is..."

Edge leaned forward while Randy gestured for him to move on.

"$1,332, Candice and Maria, you win the Big Sweep!" he exclaimed while the two cheered and jumped for joy while Edge angrily cried, "WHAT? That's too close, I want a recount, damn it!"

"Shut up, Edge." Randy muttered, glaring towards the two in defeat.

"Thank you! Thank you guys for coming, we had a great time, we have some wonderful gifts for you." the host said while the guys headed backstage.

"Now, Matt, don't you-AAH! Don't bring out the belt!" Jeff cried, speeding off while Matt snapped his belt threateningly. "No, no, NO!"

"Want some moral support, Randy?" asked Edge.

"Please don't speak to me while my anger's rising." he replied.

Meanwhile, Candice and Maria were chatting with the host...

"All righty now, there's $5,000 hiding out there. You have a minute to find it, 3 clues to help you out. Now, remember, your hands must be on the money before the bell rings. Before we started, you chose envelope #2, the clock is set, are you both ready?"

"Yes!" they exclaimed happily.

"Ok, this is your first clue, as soon as I read it, the clock is gonna start counting down. Here it is and good luck. 'It doesn't take a party guest with 'muscles' to dip a chip named_" he began.

"Ruffles!" Maria exclaimed as she and Candice sped down to head to the chip aisle.

"Got it!" Candice cried, grabbing it and reading the next clue, "Speaking of cookies, if a sailor spotted little bits of chocolate bobbing on the horizon, he might yell_? Chips-"

"Chips ahoy, c'mon!" cried Maria. As the clock counted down from 41 seconds, the girls sped from aisle to aisle and headed to the cookie aisle until Maria grabbed the chips ahoy box. "Ok! Uh, this entree sounds like a fast food connoisseur is watching his pennies, what is that?" she cried.

Candice thought for a second and cried, "Budget Gourmet, come on!" The clock was counting down from 25 seconds as the girls headed to the frozen dinner section, when Maria spotted the $5,000 first and cried, "GOT IT!"

*DING DING DING!*

"AHHHHHH!" they screamed happily, waving the money around, wrapping themselves in a tight hug before they rushed back onstage with the host.

"Yeah! You go, girls!" their friends in the audience cheered.

"Wow, you did it!" the host exclaimed. "You had about a half a minute left, wanna go look for another $5,000?"

"Haha, hells yeah!" they exclaimed.

"Congratulations, that is $5,000, added to one of our best all time sweeps gives you a grand total of $6,445!"

"WOOHOOOO!" they cheered, high fiving one another.

"This is David Ruprecht saying goodbye from Supermarket Sweep, now listen, the next time you're at a checkout counter and you hear the beep *BEEP BEEP!* think of all the fun you could have on..."

All: "SUPERMARKET SWEEP! WHOOOO!" they all cheered while the guys came out to congratulate the girls.

"Great job!" Jeff smiled, wrapping Maria in a hug and twirling her around.

"I admit, I am impressed, even if we got beat by women." Edge replied.

Candice looked back to see Randy's reaction, while he flashed her a half smile.

* * *

After the show, the gang headed back outside...

"Oh, girls I am so proud of you!" Eve exclaimed. "You've showed that it's not just a guy's world out here!"

"Well, I couldn't have done it without this girl right here." Candice said, hugging Maria again. "I love you!"

"I love you, too!" she replied.

"And Shawn, we gotta thank you, too. If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't have won anything!" Maria exclaimed.

"Yeah, we oughta split some of the money with you!" agreed Candice.

"Aw, no need to! Besides, the whole point of this was for you and Randy to settle your differences. So, uh, did you?" he asked.

She looked towards Randy. "Did we?" she asked him.

"Well, I hope so. Candy, you gotta understand that I am in love with you. It's not easy for me to admit my feelings, but I will for you. There are gonna be girls that are attracted to me and I can't help that or else I'd walk around with a paper bag over my head." he explained while she giggled. "But no matter who tries to get to me, they won't because you're my girlfriend and I need you. Please, Candy. I love you."

She smiled. "Oh, Randy...I love you, too. All right, I promise to stop being so jealous all the time. Let's just forget we ever had that fight, ok?" she asked, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"No, I'm serious, Candy. I want to show you that you're mine and mine only, so I want you to marry me." he announced while her jaw dropped and the others gasped.

"Randy..."

"Candice, say yes. Please."

She was shocked for a second, but looked into his pleading blue eyes, grew into a smile, and replied, "Yes, Randy. I'd love to marry you!"

He smiled probably the biggest smile he's ever smiled before and wrapped her in a tight hug before they shared a passionate kiss.

The rest of the gang was still in shock until Maria smiled and clapped for them first, with the others slowly joining in. "That's great!" she exclaimed.

"Yeah, congratulations, you guys!" agreed Eve.

As a reply, they looked at one another before they smiled back towards the gang.

"Well, what are we waiting for? We got a wedding to prepare for!" exclaimed Hunter. "Let's go look for a church that has a bus, tell the nuns inside that we'll bring it right back, lie, and head to Washington D.C!"

"Why Washington D.C?" asked Matt.

"Well, I've always wanted to try and break into the White House, haven't you, Shawn?" he asked.

"Break into the-NO!" he exclaimed, shocked. "If you try and do that, the Secret Service will shoot you!"

"Not if they can't see us. C'mon, gang!" he exclaimed while Randy and Candice were still smiling at one another and the gang headed off for their next adventure...


	28. Act 6: Wedding Woes in Washington

**Chapter 28**

Act 6 - Wedding Woes in Washington

The gang was headed to Washington D.C. to prepare for Randy and Candice's wedding. Since they failed to find another bus, they managed to head there by train, even thought it took hours and hours...

Candice was chatting with the girls about the wedding. "Oh, girls, I can't believe this is really happening to me. I never thought I'd finally get married to the man of my dreams." she smiled happily.

"I understand that you're happy, but isn't this wedding being a little rushed? A good one takes months to put together." replied Kelly.

"I know it's a little sudden, but I think we'll be able to manage." she replied. "And you have to see the engagement ring he got me last night!"

When she flashed her hand around, revealing a huge diamond ring, the girls gasped in shock.

"Wow, what a rock!" exclaimed Maria.

"Candy, it's beautiful!" exclaimed Eve. "We were just in California yesterday, how'd he get a ring so fast?"

"I dunno, he just surprised me with it. Last night was so romantic, you have no idea." she smiled, thinking about the previous night...

_Flashback..._

"Babe, there's so much that we'll have to do for the wedding! Where are we gonna start?" she asked, taking his hand while they boarded the upstairs part of the train.

"Well, uh, the best thing would be to start with an engagement ring." he replied, getting down on one knee while she smiled.

"Oh, baby, you already proposed to me." she replied.

"Well, I want to do it again, just to make sure you really want to marry me." he replied. "Candy, I know that we haven't been dating very long, but long enough for me to realize how special you'll always be to me. You're one of the few people who actually keep me at a sane level, and that's a tough thing to do." he said while she laughed. "Anyways, you've changed me into a better person. And for that reason alone, I'd love to make you my wife. Will you marry me, Candice Michelle?"

She wiped away a stream of tears, smiled, and replied, "I told you once and I'll tell you again. I would love to marry you, RKO."

He smiled back and gave her a kiss before he took out the engagement ring and slipped it on her finger.

"Oh, it's beautiful!" she exclaimed. "How'd you get this so soon?"

"I have my ways." he replied.

"You didn't beat up a guy for this, did you?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Candy! Do you really think that I'm that kinda guy?" he asked innocently.

She smirked at him.

"Ok, ok! But no, I bought it." he replied.

"You're amazing. I love you so much." she said, wrapping her arms around his neck. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer to him. "And I love you." he replied before they wrapped themselves in a passionate kiss. After that, he moved over to kiss the crook of her neck while she moaned a little. "You know, I reserved this entire car of the train just for us, for the entire night." he muttered.

"I didn't know that was possible." she smiled. "Now just what exactly would we do here all by ourselves?"

"Make fireworks." he replied with a smirk before they wrapped themselves in another passionate kiss and slid down to the floor before they began to make love.

_Back to today..._

"And after that, we made the most passionate love that night, it was amazing." Candice smiled.

"Aww, Candy, we are so happy for you." Maria said, taking her hands.

"Thanks. I'm just happy that I have you girls to support me through this." she replied.

"We're like sisters, Candy, we'll always be here to support you in whatever you do. Now we have a lot to do in a small amount of time, what should we start with first, finding a wedding cake, finding the right church, getting manicures and pedicures, a reception hall..." began Eve.

"Wow, we have to do all that?" Candice asked, surprised.

"If you want your wedding to happen later today, yeah." replied Kelly. "That is, unless you want to change your mind."

"No! Look, it may be lots of work, but by tomorrow, I will be Mrs. Candice Orton." she smiled.

"Well, why don't we start with something fun like dress shopping!" exclaimed Maria.

"Hells yeah, I'm in!" she exclaimed, laughing with the girls.

Meanwhile, the guys were all chatting about the same thing...

"Well, today's the big day, Rando." Edge told him. "You have any last words?"

He looked confused. "What?"

"You know, you're getting married! You'll be tied down to one woman for the rest of your life, you'll have to share everything with her. Your freedom is pretty much shot." he replied.

"So?"

"Dude, you've pretty much have been known as a playboy for years." replied Matt. "Everyone knows that you can't stay with one girl for too long."

"Yeah, you dumped Michelle-" began Jeff.

"Only cause she annoyed the hell outta me!" he argued.

"You like, RKO'd Stacy a few years ago..." added Edge.

"That was for TV! I'd never really hurt a woman, and plus, we just never worked out." he explained.

"You dated Kelly at one point." said Shawn.

"Again, things didn't work out, and besides, we're still like, really good friends." he replied.

"And...you kissed my wife, handcuffed me to a ring post, and forced me to watch." Hunter continued darkly, clenching his fists.

"Now, wait just a damned minute here! That was for that storyline we had to do and you know it! I have the utmost respect for Stephanie, I'd never take advantage of her like that." he said seriously.

"Well, even though it wasn't for real, I never want to see you come near her like that again, Shawn, hand me my beer." he finished while Shawn handed him one.

"Look, guys, Candice is different from anyone else I've ever dated. She's smart, resourceful, beautiful, and she's the only one who can put up with me and my anger management issues!" he exclaimed. "If I had to be tied down to anyone, I'd want to be tied down to her."

"Wow, you're really serious about this, dude." Edge said, surprised. "I mean, I love Kelly with all my heart, but I'm nowhere ready to marry her."

"Same here." agreed Matt. "Things between Eve and I are going great the way it is, I don't see marriage in our future. What about you, Jeff?"

"I dunno, I can see marriage down the road for Maria and I. I can't see myself ever being with anyone else." he replied, petting Random Kitty and Random Bunny.

"Dude, are you and Ria starting your own farm or something?" Randy chuckled.

"No, it's just that, every little animal that she sees, she wants for us to keep." he replied.

"Look, you have to learn how to say 'no' sometimes. That's the only way to get what you want." replied Edge.

"Have you ever said 'no' when Kelly wants to get into bed with you?" he asked back.

He was silent. "Somebody else explain it to him?"

"Dude, he's right, no matter what she says to try and persuade you, you have to ignore it." replied Hunter.

"But whenever I do, she makes the most adorable little pouty face that I can't resist. I can't say no to her." he replied.

"Well, if that's what you want. But just don't come crawling to us when one day we see your house on Hoarders with lions, and tigers and bears roaming around and-" began Edge.

Jeff shoved some toast into his mouth to shut him up. "That's enough, dude. Anyways, Orton, how are you gonna prepare for the wedding in such a short amount of time?"

"I dunno. What much is there for us to do, I mean, all we gotta do is look for a church, hire a minister, maybe find a cake, and shop for suits. Simple." he replied. "The girls'll take care of the rest."

"Uh, this is probably just a wild little question, but did you even get your wedding rings yet?" Shawn asked with a smirk.

He looked stunned. "Oh damn it."

"Don't worry, dude, we're all buds here, and we're here to help." Edge replied, putting an arm around his shoulder. "We'll make sure that you get everything done and this wedding goes off without a hitch, right dudes?"

"Here here-true that-yep!" they agreed.

"Thanks, guys." he replied, while they toasted their beer bottles together.


	29. Act 6: Wedding Woes in Washington pt 2

**Chapter 29**

After they got off of the train, they finally arrived in Washington D.C...

"WOOHOO, we made it to D.C.!" Shawn announced. "Just take in that fresh Washington air!"

"Anyone see the White House anywhere?" asked Hunter.

"Wait, Hunter, you're not still thinking about going there, are you?" asked Eve.

"Hells yeah! It's been one of my dreams to try and break into the White House and today I'm making it happen, and Shawn's gonna be right by my side!" he exclaimed.

"HEH?" he demanded. "Oh, no, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. C'mon, dude, you're my partner in crime, you're supposed to tag along during these things!" he exclaimed. "I won't make it without you there."

"Well, that's very nice and flattering, but I'm sick and tired of risking my freedom and my sanity by doing all these things with you, and that is that!" Shawn cried.

"But, Shawn-"

"BUT, NOTHING!" he cried. "No more of it! I just want to attend a nice wedding and enjoy whatever's left of this road trip. Not end up behind bars with criminals from Unsolved Mysteries with you."

Hunter looked at him, speechless and shocked. "Well."

"...Ok then, if that's solved, what's the game plan here? Are we going to shop for wedding rings first, babe?" Candice asked Randy.

"Whatever you want to do, babe." he smiled, taking her hands.

"No, no, we're Candy's consultants today, and we're going dress shopping first." replied Maria. "Let's go, Candykins."

While the girls dragged her away, she exclaimed, "Well, uh, see you later, baby!"

"All right." he waved back. "Well, I guess we better go tux shopping, then."

"Aw, dude, I'm not really much of a tux person." announced Jeff.

"Same here. I only have two suits back at home and one of em's from my senior prom." agreed Edge.

Then, Randy grabbed them both by the collars and said through clenched teeth, "Look. This wedding will be the greatest day of our lives, and it will be perfect. You will dress in the appropriate attire, and LIKE IT. Do you understand me?"

They quickly nodded while he let them go.

"Well, that turned out well, let's get cracking!" exclaimed Matt.

* * *

Later, the girls headed to the bridal shop to search for dresses and bridesmaids gowns...

"Wow, this is amazing." Candice exclaimed, looking around the place. "How am I gonna choose from all these?"

"It's still early, so take all the time you need." replied Eve.

"Yeah." she agreed, looking through a shelf. "Hey, whatcha reading, Kel?"

"Oh there's this article in Cosmo magazine. 'Rate Your Lover's Performance in Bed.'" she replied. "Is he: a) A scooter w/training wheels, b) A motorcycle, or c) A 12 speed Mustang? I choose C! Edge is amazing."

"Oh, that's easy. Definitely C. It's totally unforgettable with Randy." replied Candice.

"C for me, too!" agreed Maria with a smile. "Jeff totally knows what he's doing."

"Hmm! How about you, Eve?" asked Candice.

"Eh, I dunno, B, C, I guess." she muttered.

They looked towards her.

"Eve? Wait, have you and Matt EVER..." began Kelly.

"No." she sighed.

"Wait, are you serious? You two have never made love before?" asked Candice.

"Nope, can't say we have."

"But why? You've been together for nearly two years! Has he ever said anything about..." began Maria.

"No, actually. I'm the one who's always brought it up, but I guess he was just never into it." she replied. "Maybe he just doesn't want to move to the next level with me."

"It can't be that, Eviekins, you're beautiful. He'd be crazy to resist you." Candice replied.

"Thanks." she smiled. "But whenever I try and talk to him about it, he always changes the subject!"

"Well, bring up the subject again and stick it to him! Make him listen to you! Use your charm to make him need you!" exclaimed Maria. "It always works for me!"

"Yeah. Yeah, I will!" she smiled.

"Good for you, Eve." smiled Candice. "You know, I hope that I won't be the only one out of the group to end up being married. Don't you girls ever wonder what it's like to have a married life?"

Maria, Kelly, and Eve each took that to heart and each had their own daydreams of how married life would go for them. Kelly imagined...

...

Kelly's 'husband' Edge was lazily lying on the couch, eating pork rinds and watching TV, while an exhausted Kelly returned home. "Hey, babe, I'm home!" she exclaimed.

"Hey, Kels." he replied, eating another one. "How was work today?"

"Exhausting." she sighed, throwing her purse down. "Did you get to cleaning up today?"

"...Was I supposed to?" he asked after a pause.

"Edge! Don't tell me you forgot to clean again!" she exclaimed. "This is the fourth time this week!"

"I'm sorry, baby, but I couldn't." he replied.

"What's your excuse this time?" she demanded.

"It's no excuse! I was reaching down to pick up my pillow and threw out my back!" he cried. "I'm in a great deal of pain right now."

"Oh, so that leaves me to clean up this place AGAIN, huh?" she cried.

"Aw, you're so thoughtful, Kelly, thanks." he smiled, kissing her hand.

A few seconds later, she came back out wearing a bandana on her head, yellow gloves, and an apron, and entered the room with a vacuum. Once she turned it on, Edge cried, "Hey, Kel? Kel? KELLY!"

"What?" she demanded, turning it off.

"Can you take that somewhere else? I can't hear what Trivette's saying to Walker!" he cried.

She slammed down the vacuum. "You have the nerve."

"Whaddya mean?" he asked.

"I'm supposed to be your wife, and you treat me like a slave!" she cried.

"I do no such thing! The sex is still great!" he cried.

"What sex? When was the last time we had any, 5 months ago? We HAVE no sex life, Edge!" she cried.

"What, are you saying that my performance isn't memorable anymore?" he demanded, sitting up.

"Oh my God, you sat up, that's probably the most exercise you've done all year." she said, pretending to be surprised.

"Excuse me, I get exercise, thank you." he replied.

"Haha, WHEN? All you do here every day is stay at home, glued to this couch, watching Walker Texas Ranger and eating your weight in pork rinds!" she cried.

"Now, that is far from the truth! Sometimes, I end up losing the remote and I have to get up and nearly tear this place apart to find it!" he argued.

"Well, have you ever considered using the controls on the TV?" she asked.

"And have me get up?" he demanded. "Yeah, right."

She snarled and took the vacuum back in another room when he tossed the empty pork rinds bag at her and called, "Hey, baby, when's dinner? Have you ironed my shirt? This remote'll need some new batteries, can you buy me a new bag of pork rinds, oh, can you get me a six pack of Budweiser while you're at it..." he rambled on while Kelly stood there in shock.

...

_Back to today..._

Kelly stood there, looking mortified, while Eve thought about her 'marriage' with Matt...

...

Eve was bored, channel flipping until she decided to spend some time with Matt. "Hey, Matty Bear?" she asked, finding him in his office.

He was buried in another book and didn't hear her.

"Matt!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, Eve?" he asked.

"Why don't you ever get out of this dark room and spend some time with me? I'm lonely!" she pouted, sitting on his lap.

"Can you please refrain from sitting on me, hun?" he asked, while she frowned and got up.

"Matt."

"I'm trying to memorize 10,456,756,956 words from the dictionary, and I can't use any distractions." he replied.

She looked shocked. "Why would you have to memorize all that? It's impossible!"

"Well, I'm trying to prove that by doing this, I'll be the smartest person in the world." he replied.

"But look around you! You've won 6 Nobel Peace Prizes, you've discovered 4 new cities, and you've even managed to make a blind person see! What more can you do?" she cried.

"Look, Eve, aren't you proud of my accomplishments?" he asked.

"Of course I am, babe, but I'm just saying that you never have time for me anymore. Aren't I still your wife?" she asked.

"Of course you are, but I just don't have as much time as I used to. I'm sorry." he replied, typing something on his computer.

"What about all your friends? What about Jeff? You've been locked up in this room for years and it's like you've forgotten about all of them!" she exclaimed.

"I guess we all just drifted our separate ways." he replied.

"Even from Jeff?" she asked. "Your own brother?"

"Eve, we have totally different lifestyles now. You know how he's into the whole art, music, and motocross thing, so we just don't have time for visits anymore." he replied.

She just looked at him.

"We still send each other Christmas cards!" he exclaimed.

"Fine. You stay cooped up in your dark little cave, I'm ordering a pizza." she replied.

"Fine." he replied back, closing the door after her.

*DING DONG!*

"Wow, that was fast." she said, answering the door to this slovenly looking pizza guy. "One large double cheese pepperoni pizza?" he asked.

"Yeah, thanks." she replied, giving him the money. "Hey, would you like to stay here and eat this with me?"

"Uh, I gotta get back to work, so..."

She suddenly started breaking down and sobbing. "But I'm so lonely!" she cried, crying on his shoulder.

"Uh...it'll be all right." he said, confused.

"Hey, since my husband doesn't even know that I'm alive, let's go out someplace! Whaddya say?" she asked.

"Uh, sweet!" he exclaimed.

"Hey, Matt! Since you don't care about me anymore, I'm going out with the pizza guy who I barely know! I'll be back between tomorrow and Thursday!" she called.

_"That's nice."_ he called back.

She scoffed. "Let's go." she said, leading him out.

_Back to today..._

_..._

Eve looked like she was in a state of shock, while Maria began thinking about her future with Jeff...

_..._

After a long day at work, an exhausted Maria entered their house and called, "Jeffro? I'm home!"

Then, she froze and gasped once she saw the place looking like the inside of the Taj Mahal. "Whoa!"

After that, Jeff, dressed in nothing but a loincloth covering his lower half, entered the room and smiled. "Hey, baby, I missed you." he said, kissing her.

She eyed him down and bit her lower lip. "Well, look at you, sexy!" she exclaimed. "Babe, I'm so confused!"

"About what?"

"Well, you're dressed like a Greek God, and what happened to the place? Is this even our house, it's so beautiful!" she exclaimed.

"Well, I had a little extra time on my hands, so I decided to do a little redecorating. You like it?" he asked.

"Like it, I LOVE it!" she exclaimed. "Now, I gotta find where everything is!"

"Wait, you've had a hard day at work, so there's no need for you to tire yourself out walking anymore." he said before he whistled.

"Whaddya mean-OOH!" she exclaimed as she was put into a royal looking chair and a bunch of servants lifted her up and carried her up to their bedroom. "Wow!" she giggled. "Where'd you get the guys from?"

"Ebay." Jeff smirked. "A Queen like you will never have to lift a finger again."

After they put her down, she exclaimed, "Oh, babe, this is the sweetest thing that anyone's ever done for me! And wow, this is our new room?"

There was a Double King sized bed, a fancy looking fireplace with a 80 in HD TV above it, huge medieval looking windows above their bed, a walk in closet, and her own little vanity section.

"Sure is! Check it out, there's a Garden of Eden out in the backyard," he began, showing her a peaceful looking garden with happy little trees, happy little plants, Random Kitty and many other happy little animals, and happy little birds playing in the waterfall.

"Oh, my God, this is unbelievable." she smiled, not believing any of this.

"But wait, there's more! You got your very own revolving vanity/walk in closet, at your disposal." he gestured.

"EEE!" she squealed happily. "How'd you know I always wanted one of these?"

"I just do. And for the icing on the cake, you even have your very own portal to whatever store you wish to shop in." he said, pointing to a sparkly door.

"I DO?" she cried, her eyes sparkling.

"Yep. Everything you wish to buy is absolutely free, and you can buy whatever you want, when you want." he finished with a smile.

"I love you." she said, still in shock.

"And I love you. So, what do you want to do first?" he asked.

"This. Whoo..." she cried, falling limp in his arms in shock.

_Back to today..._

Maria stood there, smiling like crazy and giggling; the other girls were still in shock, while Candice was unaware and happily exclaimed, "YES! This dress is perfect, isn't it, ladies?"


	30. Act 6: Wedding Woes in Washington pt 3

**Chapter 30**

Meanwhile, the guys were tux shopping...

"So Randy, are you looking for a specific color theme for us to wear or what?" asked Matt.

"Not really. Just stick with black and white and you'll be fine." he replied. "Man, I can't believe something decent is actually happening to me for once."

"What do you mean?" asked Hunter.

"I dunno, it's like, I've been through a lot of crap lately and ever since I've found Candy, I'm finally happy for once in my life." he replied with a smile.

"Well hey, man, if you're happy, then we're happy." replied Edge.

"Thanks, man." he replied. "I never thought I could ever picture myself being married, but now that I have Candice, I can't let her go."

While he said that, Edge, Matt, and Jeff all thought about how things would go if they were married. First, Edge imagined...

_..._

Edge was at the kitchen table, reading through tons and tons of unpaid bills, when his spoiled wife Kelly (with designer sunglasses, a mink coat, a mini dress, and high heels) entered the place.

"Oh, Adam! Your beautiful and gorgeous wife has returned from a long day of shopping!" she announced.

"Hey, baby." he greeted, kissing her.

"So, I kinda used up your credit card. I'm sorry." she said, tossing it on the table.

He sighed, forced a smile, and replied, "Well, that's all right, Kels, that was only the 15th credit card of mine that you've used up."

"No biggie. Hey, where's all the food?" she asked, looking in the fridge.

"We're clean out of groceries." he replied. "You took the last paycheck I had for food and spent it on that porcelain doggy over there." he said, pointing to it.

"Oh, yeah! Well, no biggie, we can head out for dinner tonight. Where's the most expensive restaurant in town, we can go there." she replied.

"We can't, Kelly! I've been here fishing through all these bills and I haven't had a chance to pay any of them!" he exclaimed. "Look at this, the rent, the phone bill, car insurance, life insurance..."

"Oh God, please tell me you've paid off that birdbath that I ordered on layaway!" she cried.

Shocked, he looked at her. "Kelly, don't you think this is a little more serious than some dumb birdbath?" he demanded. "We're in hock here! There's no way we'll be able to pay all this off if you keep asking me to buy you all these things that you never even use!"

"I do SO use them! There's that diamond jewelry set, the diamond encrusted mirror, and you even have that golden toilet seat and your game station!" she cried.

"Well, true, I can't live without those. But that's beside the point! We need to start saving money for important things, like—"

"Are we still going on that vacation to Venice like you promised me?" she interrupted.

He gave her a look. "Are you kidding me right now?"

"Look, I am your wife, and you're supposed to spoil me rotten!" she argued.

"Yeah, so we can end up living on the streets, too?" he asked back.

*KNOCK KNOCK*

"Ooh, is that the delivery man with my QVC order?" exclaimed Kelly.

"Who knows?" Edge asked, opening the door to meet up with an officer. "Uh, hello, officer. How may I help you?"

"We've realized that you've failed to pay your rent, so we'll have to evict you, effective immediately." he said, while guys began entering their house and taking out all their things.

"Eviction? No, wait, don't take our things, this is all we have!" he cried. "Can't you at least let us take these to Rent-A Center or something?"

A masked robber ran in and stole a Lay-Z-boy while Edge cried, "_Aren't you cops even gonna stop him?"_

"No, don't take my doggy! I paid $500 for that!" Kelly cried, trying to stop a guy. "Edge, what do we do?"

"Guys, please, don't take away our things, please!" he begged, before he saw some guys taking away his golden toilet seat and game station. "NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THAT!"

"And we're also going to repossess your cars." the officer said.

"NO, NOT MY CAR!" he cried, speeding outside to find the repo men towing away their cars. He ran out into the street and yelled after them, "RIP MY HEART OUT, WHY DON'TCHA?"

Kelly ran out after him and said, "Edge, during all this madness, I chipped a nail! Can you hand me $50 bucks to get it fixed?"

_..._

Edge stood there with a dumbfounded look on his face, while Matt thought about his future with Eve...

_..._

After a long day at work, Matt returned home to meet with the sound of screaming kids.

"Hey, Eve, I'm home!" he called.

"Daddy!" two girls, about 4 and 6 years old exclaimed, rushing to him.

"Hey, girls, I missed you!" he exclaimed, picking them both up.

Then, he looked inside the living room to find two boys making a total mess of the place while chasing each other around the room with fake star wars lasers.

"ZZZZZZZ!-STAY STILL!" they exclaimed, breaking a lamp.

"Hey, Caleb, Junior, KNOCK IT OFF IN THERE!" he cried.

"Daddy, play dollies with us!" exclaimed one of the girls.

"No, I asked him first!" argued the other one.

"Now, Carly, Sam, daddy's very tired from work, so he'll play with you guys later on." he replied. "Why don't you ask Mommy?"

"Mommy's busy with the baby." replied Carly.

"Ok, just give me a few minutes to breathe, all right?" he asked.

After they ran off, he entered the living room where the boys were brawling on the floor. "Guys, stop it! Look at the mess you've made in here!" he exclaimed. "Clean this up right-OOF!" he cried when a boy, about 4, leaped on his back. "PIGGYBACK RIDE!"

"No Piggyback right now, Patrick!" he exclaimed.

"PLEAAAASSSEEE?" he cried.

"OW!" cried Caleb. "Junior bit me!"

"Junior, stop attacking your brother, Caleb, help clean up this mess, Patrick, off of daddy's back, and EVE, WHERE ARE YOU?" he yelled, exhausted.

"I'm here, Matt, what's the problem?" she asked, headed down the stairs, carrying a baby girl. "I was busy changing Donna's diaper."

He looked towards Eve's stomach and saw that she was expecting once MORE, and gasped. "Eve, you're pregnant AGAIN?"

"Yeah!" she smiled. "I'm so excited!"

"How far along are you?" he cried.

"6 months!" she exclaimed.

"And you didn't tell me?" he cried.

"I meant to, but I was so busy with all the other kids, I just forgot." she replied.

"Eve, we already have 6 kids, I don't think we can handle another one!" he cried.

"Well, it's too late now! What can I say, I'm totally fertile! We could have 15 kids if we wanted to!" she exclaimed.

"And end up on a special on TLC?" he muttered.

"Look, baby, this is all going to turn out great in the end. Just wait." she smiled, giving him a kiss.

After that, Patrick leaped on his back again, sending him to the floor. "PIGGYBACK!"

"Ohhh..." Matt muttered.

_..._

Matt looked terrified and his hand shook holding the tux he was going to buy, while Jeff thought about his future with Maria...

...

After a long day at work, Jeff returned home and called, "Hey, Ria, I'm home!"

Then, he froze once he saw the place look similar to Buckingham Palace, with an indoor water fountain, porcelain floors, and all the works. "Whoa..."

"Welcome home, Enigma, I missed you!" Maria said with a smile, giving him a kiss.

"Wow, Ria, you look...amazing!" he smiled, seeing that she wore a goddess-type of outfit, with her midriff showing. "Where'd you get this outfit from?"

"Does it matter where I got it from? All I know's that you love seeing me in it, and I wanted to surprise you." she replied.

"And speaking of surprises, where are we, cause I don't remember leaving a place this beautiful this morning." he said, looking around.

She giggled. "This is still our house! After you left, I did a little redecorating, and I think that you'll love what you see."

"Awesome! Where do we start?" he asked, walking ahead.

"Wait! You've had a long day at work and I want you to put your feet up and relax. Oh, girls?" she asked.

"Heh-WHOA!" he exclaimed in surprise, when he was put into a recliner chair and carried to their bedroom by a team of attractive women. "Oh, wow, Ria, how did you manage to do all this?"

"Ebay can do wonders, trust me." she smiled while he was let down in their room. "So, like the bedroom?"

He looked around in shock, seeing that they had a double king sized bed, an art studio, a 80 inch HD TV above the fireplace, and much more. "Oh, my God! You got me my very own art studio?" he cried, excited.

"Sure did! You can make anything you want, however you want to! And over here is your own personal music studio with a real mix station and everything!" she exclaimed.

"Haha, I am dreaming right now!" he exclaimed. "Wait, where are all the animals you wanted for us to keep?"

"In the new Animal Kingdom that I had them build in the backyard." she gestured towards the window, where there was literally a kingdom built where Random Kitty and a bunch of other animals were playing around.

"Amazing..." Jeff whispered, still in shock.

"And I think you'll love this the most! If you look out to your right, you have your very own motocross ranch, along with a new Kawasaki bike in every color." she smiled.

Tears formed in his eyes while he smiled in awe. "I love you, Maria." he sniffled.

She giggled. "I love you, too! Now, while dinner's being prepared and your jacuzzi's warming up, why don't I give you a Welcome Home From Work celebration of my own?" she winked, roaming her hands over his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, looked up, and whispered, "Thank you, thank you..." before she lowered the two on the bed.

_..._

Jeff stood there, nodding and chuckling while the other two were still in shock. "Hey, guys, if you're done just standing there, let's pay for the suits and get outta here." announced Randy. "Hey, anyone seen Shawn and Hunter?"

The guys broke out of their trances and saw that they were missing.

"Oh, no, I think they went off to try and break into the White House." replied Matt. "I'm gonna miss em."

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" demanded Randy. "The wedding's gonna start in less than 3 hours, and they're off frolicking into the-"

"Rando, calm down. I once saw smoke coming out of your ears when you were this angry and it wasn't good." replied Edge.

He sighed. "They just better make it back here before the wedding or else I will hunt them down." he said threateningly.


	31. Act 6: Wedding Woes in Washington pt 4

**Chapter 31**

Meanwhile, Hunter managed to drag Shawn along and parked their car near the White House...

"Wow, look at it, Shawn. We're actually here at the White House! Isn't this incredible?" he cried.

He growled and just looked at him.

"Oh, cheer up, will ya?" he said, slapping his arm. "This will be a great learning experience as well. Now, c'mon."

As they got out, Shawn said, "What am I learning from this? How to dodge a bullet? Cause we could just go back to Compton and I'll learn perfectly over there."

"Will you calm down? Nobody's gonna shoot us, all right?" he asked, headed in the bushes. "Now it's a good thing that we brought these suits, cause once we put em on, we'll totally blend in with those secret service guys."

"Wait, you just expect us to change right out here where the whole wide world can see us?" demanded Shawn.

"There's nobody out here and we're behind the bushes, now hurry up! We gotta do this fast and get back to the wedding before Orton kills us." he replied, slipping on his suit. "You ready?"

"I guess." he replied. "You lead the way, man."

"Ok, plan A, we sneak in through-AHA! See, there are no secret service guys by that window right there! We're in the clear!" he exclaimed, leaping over the bush and opening the window, but when he did, Shawn saw two secret service guys poking out, aiming their guns, and cried, "HUNTER, HIT THE DECK!"

"Huh, WHOA, run, Shawn, RUN!" Hunter cried, leaping over bushes alongside Shawn, while the guys fired shots towards them. They weren't looking and fell into a trap ditch in the ground. "WHOA!" they cried.

"What the?" cried Hunter. Luckily, Shawn was easily able to climb out, when Hunter saw something beeping in the ditch he was still in. "Oh, my God. Shawn, be a dear and get me the hell outta here before I blow up!"

He looked down at him and smirked. "I dunno, man. You've dragged me into some hot messes before, so why should I help you?"

"Oh, Shawn." he said, almost in a whisper. "It's me. Hunter, your best friend, remember? I've gotten you outta some messes before, haven't I? Now why can't you help your best buddy out?"

Shawn gave him a sympathetic look and lent him his hand. "Aw, come on, you big lug." he said, pulling him out when Hunter said, "Thanks, buddy. NOW we gotta hit the deck, COME ON!"

As the bomb blew up, the guys dived to the ground just in time!

"Whoa. You all right there, buddy?" asked Hunter.

"Barely." Shawn replied shakily. "Can we just go now?"

"Not until we go with plan B, C, and possibly D." he replied.

"Come on, all I want to do is attend a nice wedding, not end up being blown to pieces with you!" he cried.

"Relax, we'll make it there in no time. Now, let's go." he said, leading him away.


	32. Act 6: Wedding Woes in Washington pt 5

**Chapter 32**

Later that day, the gang headed to the nearest church they could find for the wedding, and the girls were taking care of Candice while the guys were taking care of Randy...

"Oh, Candykins, you look beautiful!" Maria said, fixing up her hair while Kelly and Eve fixed up everything else.

The girls wore matching light blue strapless knee length dresses with a black belt across the waist, and Candice wore a white dress with blue sparkles all over it, with sparkly white heels and a black choker.

"Thanks! I feel beautiful!" she exclaimed, looking at herself in the mirror. "I just can't believe this is actually happening."

"Well, we're here now, so you better believe it." replied Eve. "Are you sure you're not nervous at all about this?"

"N-No! Why would I be?" she asked nervously.

"Because of the fact that we all pretty much rushed this thing." replied Kelly. "You sure you're up for a shotgun wedding?"

"Look, the point is, I'm marrying Randy and I'm going to be really happy, ok?" she smiled. "As long as the wedding turns out perfect in the end, that's all that counts."

"Well, we're really proud of you, Candy." Eve replied, while the girls shared a group hug.

"Thanks."

"Well, we're gonna be waiting downstairs with the guys, so you know when to come down." Kelly replied while she and Eve headed out.

When Maria and Candice were left in the room, Maria said, "Well, this is it. Are you sure you're ready to do this?"

She nodded. "I think so."

"You think? Candy, this is going to affect the rest of your life, so..."

"Ria, it's ok. I want this wedding to happen and it will. And before I forget, since you're my bestest friend in the world and I love you like a sister, I want you to be my Maid of Honor." she said with a smile.

"You do? Oh, Candy, I'd be honored to!" Maria said, lighting up. "I've never done this before! What do I have to do?"

She giggled. "It's easy; you just have to hand me the ring, and stand by my side during the wedding. Think you can handle that?" she asked.

"Of course I can. You don't know how much this means to me, Candice, thank you!" she exclaimed while the girls hugged. "I love you."

"I love you, too." she agreed. "Well, it's almost time. Ready to go?"

"Let's go and make you a wife." Maria smiled, taking her hand as they headed out.

Meanwhile...

"Where the hell did Hunter and Shawn go?" Randy demanded, pacing around. "We need witnesses to sit in the audience."

"Relax, buddy, they know they'll get in trouble if they forget, so they'll be here." replied Edge, wearing a black skull cap, a black jacket, a white shirt underneath, dark jeans, and converses. "Red Bull?" he offered him a can.

"Thanks." he replied, wearing a black jacket, a black vest underneath, a white shirt underneath that, black pants, and dress shoes. "I really can't believe this is happening."

"Well, to tell you the truth, bro, I've never seen you smile so much before, so this is definitely gonna do you some good." he replied.

"I think it will too, dude. And Edge, I gotta ask you something important."

"Shoot."

"Well, even though you piss me off to no end sometimes, you've always been there for me and I respect you for that. Not to mention that you're one of my best buds. Anyway, what I'm asking is if you'd be my Best Man in the wedding." he said.

"Wow, that'd be awesome!" he exclaimed. "Sure I will, thanks, man!"

After they shared a manly hug, Randy said, "Rated RKO."

"To the end, bro." he agreed.

Meanwhile...

"So, you really think that this wedding's gonna happen?" asked Jeff, who wore a black jacket, a black sweater-vest type of shirt, a loose black tie, and a white shirt underneath, with black jeans and converses. "Cause I don't."

"Meow." agreed Random Kitty, along with Random Bunny.

"Why not?" asked Matt, who wore a black jacket, a white shirt, a black tie, and black dress pants.

"isn't it obvious? I mean, no real wedding can be finished in just 4 hours!" he replied.

"But Randy's never been happier about anything before, and it's the same with Candy. Why wouldn't they go through with it?" he asked.

"You wanna bet on it?" asked Jeff.

He sighed. "God, not again. All right, how much?" he asked.

"Uh...50 bucks!" he exclaimed.

"50 bucks? I-"

"Ha! Pinkie swear, no take backs!" Jeff said quickly.

"Hmmm...oh, hello, ladies, and don't you look beautiful!" Matt said, while Eve, Maria, and Kelly joined them.

"Or, should I say gorgeous?" Jeff agreed, giving Maria a kiss.

"Muy caliente!" Edge exclaimed, holding Kelly in his arms.

"Well, thanks, you guys don't look so bad yourselves." Eve smiled at Matt.

"Hey, is Candice ready yet?" asked Randy.

"Yep, she was right with me." replied Maria.

"Where's Shawn and Hunter?" asked Kelly.

"I dunno, but when they do get here, I'm gonna-" he began before the two bursted inside.

"WAIT, don't kill us!" cried Shawn. "Never fear, DX is here."

"What took you so long?" asked Matt.

"Did you make it inside of the White House?" asked Maria.

"Well, we attempted to about 4 times, but we either got shot at, tasered, or nearly blown up, so we just gave up and made it back here. We miss anything?" asked Hunter.

"Well, luckily for your sakes, we're just starting. Let's go." Randy announced.

After that, Edge and Kelly, Jeff and Maria, and Matt and Eve all linked arms and walked down the aisle before heading off to stand on their respective sides of the room. Randy was chatting something with the reverend, while Shawn and Hunter, along with Random Kitty, Random Bunny, and Random Squirrel were in the audience.

Then, the elderly organ player began playing 'Charge', while everyone shot her a look. Seconds later, she suddenly fell asleep, before Randy snatched a muffin and threw it at her to wake her up.

"HAHA!" Edge laughed.

"Play the damn song right, lady, or not at all." Randy said darkly.

Then, while she played the wedding march, Candice nervously showed up at the entrance, and began walking down the aisle, smiling timidly towards Shawn and Hunter. Once she reached the front of the room, Randy took her hand and kissed it. "You look beautiful." he smiled.

"And you look handsome." she replied, smiling.

Then, the reverend said, "Ok, since you're being charged by the minute, let's make this simple, shall we? We are gathered today to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony. Before we begin, I must ask if anybody who has any reason to why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Shawn and Hunter looked around and gestured for him to continue.

"All right, may I have the rings?"

Maria handed Candice a ring while Edge handed Randy another one.

"Ok, Randy, do you take Candice to be your lawfully wedded wife, and do you promise to love her, honor her, respect her, and comfort her, keeping her in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keeping yourself only unto her for so long as you both shall live?" he asked.

He slipped the ring on her finger and replied while looking into her eyes, "I do."

"And Candice, do you take Randy to be your lawfully wedded husband, and do you promise to love him, honor him, respect him, and comfort him, keeping him in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keeping yourself only unto him for so long as you both shall live?" he asked.

"I-I-" she began, terrified. "...I promise all of those things, b-but, I-I don't think that I can do this."

The others gasped, while Randy's expression turned to shock. "What?"

"I love you so much, Randy, I do. But I can't get married today." she said with tears in her eyes, kissing him on the cheek before she whispered, "I'm so sorry." and sped out of the room, crying.

"Candice!" he cried after her. "Wait!"

But the minister continued, "Then I now pronounce you-"

"Hey, did you not hear what just happened? The bride just sped outta here!" Edge exclaimed.

"She did? I wasn't listening!" he replied.

"We have to find her." announced Eve.

"Yeah, we'll be back in a few. Candy!" Maria called, while the girls headed off to find her.

"Told ya." Jeff muttered, snatching the 50 bucks from Matt before he could even say anything.

Meanwhile, Randy stood there, staring into space when Edge said, "Hey, dude, I'm sorry. I know how much you were looking forward to this."

"Why would she do this?" he asked.

"Hey, let's just get outta here and have a few beers to take your mind off of this." said Shawn.

"No, no thanks. I-I gotta be on my own for a little while." he said, heading off.

"Man, I really feel for him, though. I've never seen him this down before." replied Jeff.

"Yeah, you think we should go after him?" asked Matt. "With his anger management issues and him being like this, he might do something totally unstable."

"Well, he seemed to be taking it pretty well." replied Hunter.

Then, from outside, they heard a loud *CRASH!* followed by various other sounds of destruction.

"Oh, my God. RANDO!" Edge cried, speeding outside with the guys to see his car roaring down the road, leaving destroyed property in its wake. "...Damn."

"Maybe we should follow him before he ends up killing somebody." announced Jeff.

"Good plan. Let's go!" replied Edge.


	33. Act 6: Wedding Woes in Washington pt 6

**Chapter 33**

In his car, Randy was hyperventilating and, believe it or not, was bawling his eyes out while he was still driving recklessly, trying to find someplace to hide.

A little later, the guys managed to catch up with him...

"Well, by following the path of dented cars, bent over mailboxes, and tire skids over every yard within the last 5 miles, I'm guessing he's in here." announced Hunter.

"Yep, there's his car. Let's check how he's doing." replied Edge.

Inside this abandoned house, Randy was bundled under a blanket, still sobbing when he heard a knock at the door.

_"Hey, Randy? You in there, buddy?"_ called Edge.

"GO AWAY, ALL OF YOU!" he shouted.

"Oops, door's unlocked." Shawn replied, heading in along with the guys. "Whoa, are you all right?"

"Do I look all right?" he muttered, not facing them.

"Wow, I've never seen you this...defenseless and frail before. Have-have you been CRYING?" demanded Edge.

Randy still wouldn't face him, but they swear that they saw that smoke was coming from him and he had this wierded out look on his face.

As a reply, Jeff shoved him back and snapped, "Where the hell do you get off, saying that?"

He shoved him back and replied, "I am only trying to help out MY best friend, do you MIND?" he demanded, shoving him back.

"Don't shove me!" Jeff cried, shoving him back.

"Don't shove ME!" Edge cried, shoving him.

Before they could get into a fist fight, the others held them back while Matt said, "We're here to help Randy feel better, not kill each other, all right?"

"Sorry." they both muttered.

Then, they heard from a radio playing, _"Quit breakin my heart...breakin my heart (pretty brown eyes)...breakin my heart...breakin my heart..."_

"Ok, you need to turn this off before you go all suicidal on us." Edge said, turning it off.

"Look, Rand, it's not the end of the world! Maybe you and Candy just weren't cut out for each other. There'll be other apples on the tree, right?" asked Shawn. "Just put on a smile and LIVE IT UP!"

After that, Randy's hand shot up and grabbed him by the throat, choking the living daylights out of him.

"Ack!...Hunter...help me!" he cried.

Hunter quickly threw Randy's hand off of Shawn and placed a protective arm around him. "Ok, look, Orton, I know you're feeling depressed that Candy left you at the altar, but that's no excuse for you to choke Shawn. Now apologize!" he demanded.

"Sorry, Shawn." Randy replied, monotone.

"...My trachea..." he groaned in a hoarse voice.

"Randy, really, if there's anything that we can do for you..." Matt began, but they all froze once Candice entered the place and said,

"No, I'm the one who should be apologizing."

Shocked to hear her voice, Randy turned around to look at her. "Candy?"

"Uh, we'll leave you two to chat. Let's go see what the girls are up to." replied Jeff.

"Good luck, man, hope you score!" Edge called as they headed out.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, a little cold towards her.

She sniffled. "I don't blame you for being mad at me." she replied, sitting on the edge of the couch.

"I am mad at you." he muttered. "Why'd you have to leave me standing there? Do you know how embarrassed I was? You made me look like an idiot!"

"Please don't hate me, Randy! You have to hear me out here." she replied. "You proposed to me just yesterday and I barely had any time for the news to sink in! We only had about 4 hours to prepare for the wedding and it all happened so fast, I just got afraid and flaked out at the last minute." she explained.

"Candice, if you felt that way, then why didn't you just tell me instead of surprising me at the last minute?" he asked.

"I don't know. I didn't want to hurt your feelings." she replied, wiping away a tear.

"You did." he replied. "Candy, did you also flake out on me because, I dunno, you still thought of me as a playboy? The whole point of this was for me to prove to you that I'm totally in love with you and you only!" he exclaimed.

"You don't have to marry me to prove that! I trust you, Randy, I know that you love me, just the same way that I love you. Listen to me. I really do want to marry you one day. But things are going great the way they are and I'm happy with you being my boyfriend." she replied. "Please forgive me, babe."

He looked at her and took her hand before he replied, "Aw, I could never stay mad at you. I guess I was overreacting. Maybe I wasn't ready for marriage yet, either. But I do gotta admit that I'm pretty damn happy the way things are now, too."

After that, she smiled at him and leaned in to share a passionate kiss with him. He felt the passion building between them and roamed his hands over her curves while he moved on to kiss the sensitive areas on her neck. Breaking away for a second, Candice was breathing heavily and said, "I need you."

"I need you, too, Candy." he replied, unzipping her dress. After that, she let her dress slide off of her body while the two lowered themselves on the couch, about to make love once again.

* * *

Later that night, the gang decided to have a reception party anyway...

"I'm so glad you guys have patched things up." Maria told the two. "I was afraid that you'd break up over this."

"That's the last thing we'd ever do. I love this girl too much to just let her go." Randy replied with a smile, wrapping an arm around her.

"Same for me and this sexy beast here." Candice replied. "Sorry we got you guys all excited for the wedding when it never ended up happening."

"Aw, it's cool. I had a bet with Matt that the wedding wouldn't happen and I got 50 bucks out of it! So thanks!" exclaimed Jeff.

"Uh, is that supposed to be a compliment?" Randy asked, confused.

"Honestly, I kind of thought that you'd flake out, too, Candy. Sorry." replied Maria.

"Well, why didn't you tell me?" she asked.

"I didn't want to stop you! You seemed so happy that I didn't want to ruin it!" she replied.

"Well, it's cool. We're just glad to have all our friends here with us!" Candice exclaimed.

"And what in the hell are Shawn and Hunter doing onstage?" Randy asked, looking onstage to where 'The River of Dreams' was playing and the two were terribly singing to it.

_"In the middle of the niiiight!"_ cried Shawn.

_"I've been walking in my sleep..."_ sang Hunter.

_"From the mountains of faith..."_ sang Shawn.

_"To the river so deep!"_ sang Hunter.

"And I was thinking about singing something up there." Edge told Kelly.

"Why didn't you?" she asked.

"Cause! I have some scrap of dignity left in me!" he replied. "Anyways, what a wild day, huh?"

"Yeah. Marriage definitely isn't in my agenda anytime soon." she replied. "You wanna know something funny? Earlier today, I dreamt that we were married and you were the lazy homebody type who sat around and ate pork rinds all day." she giggled.

He laughed. "Oh, was I? I dreamt that you were the spoiled rich type who got us evicted out of our house and the repo men took away our cars." he replied.

She laughed. "I'd never be such a horrible wife."

"And I'd never be such a couch potato. Most of the time." he replied before the two laughed and shared a kiss.

Meanwhile...

"You know, Eve, after today, I decided that I don't want to marry for at least another 10 years." Matt told her.

"I agree. Earlier, I dreamt that we were married and you were like, this certified genius who didn't have any time for me." she replied.

"Serious? You are worth more than any award that I could ever win." he replied with a smile.

"Oh, babe, that is sweet!" she exclaimed. "So, did you dream about me?"

"Yeah, you and our 7 children." he replied.

"What? I'd never have 7 kids!" she cried. "We were really uh, active, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess so." he chuckled.

_"Now, if only we really were 'active'."_ she thought, a little disappointed.

Meanwhile...

"You know, Jeff, for the record, I'd never leave you hanging at the altar if we were getting married." Maria told him.

"Aw, well how sweet of you." he smiled, giving her a kiss. "AND just for the record, if we ever did get married, would you mind wearing a goddess costume and getting a team to build me my own personal motocross ranch in the backyard?"

She raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Would you mind wearing nothing but a loincloth and making me my own personal portal to any shopping store that I'd ever wish to go to?" she asked back.

He smirked. "Same fantasy, huh?"

"Yep." she replied before they both laughed and wrapped themselves in a hug.

Meanwhile...

"So, all in all, Candy, we made the right choice not to get married, huh?" asked Randy.

"Totally. But I still get to call you my Non-Husband, so it works out in the end!" she smiled.

"Hmm. My Non-Wife. Not bad, not bad at all." he replied. "So, where should we all head next on our trip after this?"

"Uh...Oh! It might be a long trip, but what about Hawaii? It'd be a great 'honeymoon' spot, plus, it'll be a great place to end our little road trip, right?" she asked excitedly.

"Yeah, I like it! But how in the hell are we gonna get way over there?" he asked.

"Oh, we still have some cash from Supermarket Sweep to blow, so yeah, we're in a good place right now." she replied. "And Randy, I'm really glad you're so understanding about why I wasn't ready to marry. I love you."

"Hey, like I said, neither of us are ready for that kinda thing. Life is great just the way it is. And uh, I love you, too." he replied with a smile before the two shared a passionate kiss.

* * *

**_AN: Just wanted to let you all know that there's only a few more chapters in this story, about 5, I believe._**


	34. Act 7: The Hawaiian Connection

**Chapter 34**

Act 7 - The Hawaiian Connection

The gang was on their way to Hawaii by way of a real plane, for Randy and Candice's 'honeymoon'...

Matt and Eve were sitting together, while she was reading a magazine and he was still reading his book.

"Hey, babe, whatcha reading?" he asked.

"Oh, uh, just Cosmo magazine." she replied.

"Oh? What article are you reading?" he asked, looking at the page that she was on, entitled, 'Bedroom Blog'. "Oh..." he said, a little surprised.

"Yeah." she chuckled.

"Well, uh, is it interesting?" he asked, a little curious.

"It is, but hey, it's nothing you guys would have any interest in." she replied. "So I'd rather not discuss it."

He looked puzzled. "Eve, everything ok with you?"

"I'm fine. Why?" she asked.

"Nothing, it's just, you're acting a little strange."

"Really I'm fine. Uh, it's just my time of the month and I don't really feel like chatting right now." she lied.

"You need an aspirin?"

She smiled and gave him a kiss. "No thanks." she replied, getting back to her magazine while he was still unsure about her.

Meanwhile...

Jeff and Maria were sitting together, while he was sleeping and she somehow managed to get a hold of many more animals, including a tarantula...

"Oh, when Jeffro wakes up, he's gonna love meeting each and every one of you." she smiled, holding a puppy, a hamster, a gerbil, a guinea pig, and Random Kitty, Bunny, and Squirrel.

She didn't see when the tarantula crawled away and on top of Jeff's leg, when she cried, "Uh oh."

It silently crawled up his leg, over his body, and towards his chest. Thinking that someone was tickling him, he chuckled. "Hahahaha...Ria, stop it."

"Um, Enigma? That isn't me." she said, worried.

"Mmm?" he muttered, opening his eyes to find the tarantula about 3 inches away from his face. His eyes widened and he cried, "YYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" flipping the spider off of him where it landed in Edge's drink. He was about to drink until he looked inside and cried, "AAAAHHH!" before splashing the drink and the spider through the air, where it landed on top of Shawn's hat. Hunter saw it, and stifled his laughter.

"Hunter? What's so funny?" he asked.

"You got a creepy crawler on your head." he replied.

He took off his hat, saw the spider, and shouted, "GANGWAY!" before swatting it away towards Randy and Candice in the back.

"AAAAAAAAHHH!" she screamed. "I hate spiders, Randy, kill it!"

He leaped out of his seat and forcefully stomped on the spider about 10 times to kill it for good measure.

Silence.

"...It's dead." he concluded.

"Poor thing never stood a chance." Maria shook her head. "Jeff, you ok?"

"Yeah, I think so-and WHERE the hell did you get all these animals?" he demanded, shocked.

"Oh, at the airport, outside, wherever. They were all so lonely and cute and I wanted to keep all of them! Now we have more pets to add to our collection!" she exclaimed.

"Maria, I can see the bunny, the cat, and maybe even the squirrel, but we cannot take care of all of these animals!" he exclaimed. "How'd you even get them on the plane?"

"I just used my pouty face and they gave in." she replied. "Oh, come on, Jeffro, please? They're all so, so cute!"

"No, don't use that excuse on me anymore. I said that we're not keeping all these animals and as soon as we stop, you're taking them back to an animal shelter." he replied.

"Jeff-"

"No."

Then, a small sob escaped her, and tears began streaming down her face.

"Maria, don't-" he began, concerned.

"All I want is for these animals to be happy! Who knows what they've gone through in this cold world without me around? Look at what happened to Mr. Tarantula, for example!" she exclaimed, pointing to what was left of it. "The rest of him's scraped under Randy's shoe! Do you want that to happen to these defenseless creatures, cause I don't!" she exclaimed, sobbing.

He sighed. "Ria, Ria, please stop crying. Look, maybe we can take them to some kinda home where-"

She cried harder.

"Ok, ok! We can keep them." he sighed.

"Yay! I love you!" she exclaimed, wrapping him in a hug, while he rolled his eyes and hugged her back.

...

A couple of hours later, the plane finally landed at a Hawaii airport...

"WOOHOOOO!" Edge cheered, while a taxi dropped them off at a hotel. "Hawaii-O, we are HERE!"

"This was a great place for your 'honeymoon', guys!" Kelly exclaimed to Candice and Randy.

"Hey, we just figured that this would be perfect for the last stop on our road trip, so y'know, here we are." replied Randy.

Then, Hunter saw Maria and Jeff (who carried most of the animals) arrive last.

"Don't forget about us!" exclaimed Maria. "Sorry, but it took us a little while to get past the security with all our little babies."

"Babies?" chuckled Matt.

"Don't even think about it." Jeff replied, giving him a look. "Trust me, this was all Maria's idea."

"How are you guys gonna enjoy this place carrying all these animals?" asked Candice.

"I dunno. How are we, Ria?" he asked her.

"Relax, babe, we'll be totally fine! Isn't that right, Random Hamster?" she asked.

"OW!" he cried. "He bit my neck!"

"Maybe he's a vampire hamster!" Shawn said dramatically.

"Oh my God, I saw that movie!" exclaimed Edge. "It bombed in theaters, though."

"Well-OW, the gerbil bit my thigh!" he cried.

"Maybe it likes the meat!" exclaimed Hunter. "It probably thinks that you taste like fried chicken."

Jeff shot him a look. "Can we just go now?" he demanded.

"Yeah, what should we do first?" asked Maria.

"Uh, how about we take a look at our hotel and head to the beach?" asked Candice.

"Yeah!-Sounds good!-Sweet!" they exclaimed, racing inside.

* * *

A few minutes later, the gang took a glimpse of their hotel suite...

"Hey, peoples, we have arrived!" Eve greeted, changed into her gold sparkled bathing suit, along with Matt.

"Hey!-What's up?" they greeted back.

"Can you believe how awesome this place is?" he asked.

"And to think we only have two days to spend here." replied Randy.

"Heel, pup, HEEL!" Jeff cried, keeping the puppy from destroying the place.

"You all right there?" he asked.

"No. I've been bitten, scratched at, and..." he froze.

"Oh, dude." Hunter said, looking down.

"The dog peed on my leg." he finished, mortified.

"Well, take him outta here, we don't need all that going on here!" Kelly (who wore a pink and white striped bikini) exclaimed with a laugh.

"Yeah. I just hope the skin on my leg doesn't peel off." he replied, carrying him. "C'mon, boy."

"Well, we'll be outside on the beach, so hurry!" called Candice, wearing a leopard print bikini.

Later, the gang found out about this private grotto with a huge waterfall, and decided to hike there first...

"Hey, Eve, do you want to head to the gift shop later on and I can buy you a few things?" asked Matt.

"Thanks, but I'm really not in the mood." she replied.

"What? Eve, are you in there?" he asked, waving a hand in front of her face.

"Yeah, what are you doing?" she chuckled.

"I'm kinda worried about you. I mean, you NEVER turn down a chance to shop!" he exclaimed. "Look, if there's something bothering you, then just tell me so's that I can help."

As a reply, she smiled and wrapped him in a passionate kiss. "Let it go, Matt, I'm totally fine, ok? Now let's all have a little fun while we're here!" she exclaimed.

"Hey, guys, where's your Animal Crew at?" Edge asked Jeff and Maria.

"Well, luckily, we found an animal daycare back at the hotel, so my Enigma and I can have some time to ourselves!" Maria (who wore a black bikini with red skulls) exclaimed, lacing her fingers with his.

"Just how it should be." he smiled, giving her a kiss.

"Hey, look, a frog!" exclaimed Kelly.

"WHERE?" cried Maria.

"Let's GO!" Jeff cried, whisking her away.

"Haha, last one in the water's a Fried Wonton! WHOO!" Hunter exclaimed, rushing ahead while snatching off Shawn's hat in the process.

"HEY, I paid $45 for that hat at the Men's Warehouse, GET BACK HERE!" Shawn cried, chasing after him, using one hand to cover his head.

After that, the gang had all sorts of fun in the water. Randy and Edge held a contest to see who'd do the best dives and cannonballs, Hunter and Shawn jokingly pushed Eve and Kelly into the water, Maria and Candice shoved them into the water in retaliation before they high fived, Matt and Eve splashed each other around, Randy playfully bodyslammed Candice into the water, Jeff and Maria were lovingly kissing under the waterfall, Kelly was sitting on top of Edge's shoulders when he playfully leaned back, causing them to both fall into the water, Hunter stole Shawn's hat again before Shawn tackled him down for it, Matt stood under the waterfall and cooled off before Eve tackled him down, and the 10 of them stood on the edge of one of the cliffs before they all leaped into the water at the same time.

After their fun, they dried off and had a little picnic nearby...

"...So then, the dog ran off with his underwear!" Matt exclaimed before the gang, minus Jeff were laughing.

"Dude, stop telling em my embarrassing childhood moments, will ya?" Jeff demanded.

"No, it's cute!" Maria exclaimed, sipping a red chi-chi.

"Not for me." he replied, handing her a few skittles.

"Hey, Edge, you gonna join us or what?" called Randy.

"In a sec!" he exclaimed, still floating around in the water. "The water is FIIIIINE!"

"Hey, are those your trunks floating around next to you?" asked Shawn.

He looked to his side and saw his trunks floating beside him. "Oh, crap." he replied.

"Dude, you better get em before they get pulled down that black hole down there!" exclaimed Hunter.

"There's a black hole down here?" he asked.

"There's a sign right there!" called Eve.

"Oh. Cool, I wanna see!" he cried.

"Edge, are you crazy, get the hell away from there before you get hurt!" exclaimed Kelly.

"I just wanna see!" he exclaimed.

"You know, if you get pulled down there, we may never see you again!" called Randy.

"...GO FOR IT, EDGE!" Matt cried.

"Wait, wait, AW!" Edge cried, swimming as quickly as he could. "My trunks are gone forever."

"Well, what do you expect us to do now, we don't have any extras here." replied Jeff.

"Oh, well, guess I can finally become a nudist now!" he exclaimed with a smile.

"Please, Edge, don't moon us again." replied Candice. "So, what should we do next?"

"Beach for me! I gotta go suntan and you're coming with me, Edge." Kelly told him.

"Coolio!" he replied, heading out of the water, stark naked.

"Oh, God!-Dude, please!" the others cried, turning away.

"MY EYES! MY PERFECT BLUE EYES!" cried Shawn. "THEY'VE BEEN TAINTED!"

"What, none of you've ever seen a naked guy before?" he asked.

"Well, there's no reason for us guys to." Randy replied.

"Here, take my towel and wrap it around your waist." Kelly said. "You guys can look again."

"So, Eve, you sure you don't want to head to the gift shop?" asked Matt.

"Not yet. I want to just chill on the beach, too." she replied.

He gave her a concerned look. "All right." he nodded, wondering just what the hell was wrong with her.


	35. Act 7: The Hawaiian Connection pt 2

**Chapter 35**

Later that day, the gang was on the beach, either on the sand or in the water...

Eve was chilling under an umbrella, reading a magazine while Jeff took a nap and Maria lied next to him under their own umbrella, sipping an orange chi-chi .

"Ria, how much sleep could one guy get?" Eve asked with a smirk. "He's been knocked out on the plane ride here and now..."

"I dunno, but he deserves the rest. He's been helping me take care of all of our little pets lately, after all." she smiled.

"But don't you think that you're going overboard with this whole pet thing?" she asked. "If you ask me, you should just stick with the puppy and the kitty."

"But I can't help it, Eve! I love animals and I just want them to be happy." she replied. "I just know Jeff and I could take such good care of them."

"Is Jeff happy about this as much as you are, though?" she asked.

"Well...he just needs a little time to get used to the idea. Eventually, he'll be just as stoked about this as I am." she replied.

Then, all of a sudden, Matt, Hunter, and Shawn approached Jeff and splashed a bucket of water on him to wake him up.

"AAH!" Maria and Eve cried, getting splashed.

"Hey, what the hell?" Jeff demanded, sitting up.

"It was Hunter's idea!" Matt cried.

"RUN!" Hunter exclaimed as the three sped back into the ocean.

"You sons of...!" Jeff laughed, speeding after them while the girls looked on in surprise.

"Wow." chuckled Eve.

"Yeah." agreed Maria. "Hey, whatcha reading?"

"An article called the Bedroom Blog." she replied. "I just feel so...out of place reading this."

"What do you me-oh, are you still thinking about how you and Matt haven't..." she began.

"Yeah." she replied.

"Aw, so this is why you've been so quiet lately."

"It's just not fair. All you girls have gone to the next level with the guys you love and I'm the only one who hasn't." she replied.

"You will too, Eve. Remember what I said before? You have to use your charm to make him want you." replied Maria.

"Well, how was your first time with Jeff? Did you use your charm on him?" she asked.

"Yeah, I remember like it was yesterday. I wore my sexiest red lingerie, put on our favorite music, and he just came for me right then and there. *sighs* That night couldn't have been any more romantic." she replied.

"So, if I do all those things, will Matt fall for me?" asked Eve.

"You can try. But I recommend being just yourself. That's what he likes most about you, right?" she asked.

"Yeah. In fact, I'll try tonight!" she exclaimed with a smile.

"Want me to take you lingerie shopping?" asked Maria.

"Will you?" she exclaimed before the two giggled.

Meanwhile...

Kelly was looking out at the ocean while Edge was massaging her back.

"Oh, Edge, this is just paradise!" Kelly sighed happily. "We need to come here more often."

"Well, your wish is my command." he replied, kissing down her back. "The two of us can head back here and have the wildest sex imaginable."

"Oh, is that all you can think about?" she chuckled. "Hey, can you put the suntan lotion on me now?"

"You kidding, I get to rub you! Hells yeah!" he exclaimed, but before he did anything, another attractive girl stepped out of the pool, shook herself off, and winked towards him, while he gazed back. Not looking at what he was reaching for, his hand missed the suntan lotion and grabbed a bottle of cooking oil instead. While the girl was walking away, he looked in her direction while he rubbed the cooking oil on Kelly.

"This is such a beautiful sight, isn't it, Edge?" Kelly asked, totally unaware of what was going on.

"Beautiful isn't even the word." Edge replied, still distracted.

Meanwhile, Randy and Candice stopped at a drink bar...

"A chi-chi for you, and a tall Bud for me." Randy announced.

"Thank you." she smiled, sipping it. "Hey, do you know what Chi-chi means in Spanish?"

"I don't know what anything means in Spanish." he chuckled.

"Well, chi-chis are uh, boobs." she announced with a giggle.

He nearly spat out his drink. "You serious?" he laughed.

"Hey, I'm part Costa Rican, so I know I'm right." she smiled.

"Well, I can definitely see the Costa-Rican in you. Come here." he replied, wrapping her in a passionate kiss.

"And I can see the bad boy in you." she replied.

"You're amazing, Candy, but there's something that I don't understand about you sometimes." replied Randy.

She looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"Well, maybe it's not you, maybe it's me. With all my anger issues and my rep of being such a playboy, I don't know how I've managed to end up so lucky. I expect people to be afraid of me, but I've ended up with the greatest group of friends a guy could ever ask for." he replied, taking her hand. "And the most amazing girlfriend, uh, Non-Wife I could ever wish for."

She smiled back at him.

"Tell me, Candice, what do you see in me?" he asked.

"Uh, you got an hour? You're funny, a sweetheart, smart, _totally_ sexy, brave, and my hero." she smiled. "Look, babe. I know you've made your mistakes before, but I don't care. I just love you for you."

He smiled back and whispered, "I love you, too." before they wrapped themselves in another kiss.


	36. Act 7: The Hawaiian Connection pt 3

**Chapter 36**

Later that evening, the gang met back up at the hotel...

"Woowee, you guys gotta check out all the fish we caught earlier!" Shawn exclaimed, bringing in a bucket while Hunter brought in another.

"Yeah, fresh saltwater filets!" he added.

"Well, can you guys zip those up or something? I don't want to live in a fishy room!" exclaimed Candice.

"But we gotta prepare them for the fish fry! Oh, I can just see it now. All we gotta do is scale these, take out the good stuff, cornmeal em up real good, throw em up on the grill, and have a couple of drinks under the night sky." replied Hunter. "MmmMMM!"

"Well, I'm sorry to spoil your fun, but we already ordered dinner from here." replied Eve.

"But what about the fish fry?" cried Shawn.

"Save em for tomorrow. They'll last another day." she replied.

"See, I told you they wouldn't go for it." Shawn grumbled to Hunter.

"Well, this whole fishing thing was YOUR idea!" he argued.

"Guys, relax! We ordered steak and ribs, so will that ease your pain?" asked Randy.

They looked at each other.

"To hell with this fish, bring on the meat, baby!" cried Hunter.

"Now we just gotta wait for Jeff and Maria and Kelly and Edge to get back here." announced Candice.

After she said that, Random Puppy and Random Kitty sped in the room first with Jeff stumbling behind, holding their leashes. "Hey, calm it down, just stay on the damn leashes, will ya?" he cried.

"They don't like to be yelled at, Enigma." Maria replied, carrying all the other animals. "Hey, everyone, sorry we're late!"

"No biggie, we just ordered room service. You guys up for steak and ribs?" asked Matt.

"Sweet." agreed Jeff. "Ria, you have dinner for the animals?"

"Yep, the people at the animal daycare were so nice." she replied. "Here's the Pedigree, the Fancy Feast, the Hamster feed, nuts for the squirrel, the guinea pig nibblets, the gerbil nuggets, and carrots for the bunny."

Surprised, they all looked at her.

"...What?" she asked.

"Nothing, Ria." Eve shook it off. "So, uh, anyone seen Kelly and Edge?"

Then, they heard arguing voices coming towards their door. _"I'm sorry, Kel, I had no idea!"_

_"DON'T talk to me!"_

"Come on, Kel, I said that I was sorry!" Edge exclaimed.

"Move." Kelly, who was extremely sunburned, announced, bursting in the room.

Shocked, they all looked at her.

She looked back at them. "WHAT?" she demanded.

They all quickly turned back to their regular activities. "Kelly, what the hell happened to you?" asked Candice.

"You look like a crab!" cried Shawn.

"Don't ask me. Ask Edge for using freaking COOKING OIL on me instead of suntan lotion!" she cried, flopping on a bed.

"Cooking oil?" exclaimed Randy. "Who the hell rubs cooking oil on somebody?"

"Look, I was distracted at the time, all right?" he demanded. "I took my eyes away for one second and I accidentally grabbed the wrong bottle! Anyone can mistake cooking oil for sunscreen!"

"No, they can't." they all replied.

"Oh, thanks, GANG." he replied, sitting next to Kelly. "Kel, please, just let me make things right."

"DON'T touch me!" she cried, coiling back onto the bed. "And if you think that you're sleeping in the same bed as me, you're deeply mistaken, BUB."

"BUB?" Edge cried.

"Guys, guys, wait. At least stick around for dinner, we're having steak and ribs. Won't that lift up your spirits?" asked Candice.

Kelly glared at Edge. "Fine."

"Fine." he replied, looking back at her.

...

Soon after that, the gang was gathered around a table, enjoying dinner before all hell would break loose...

"Pass me the steak sauce?" asked Hunter. "Man, I gotta say, I'm glad we saved the fish fry for tomorrow, this steak is amazing."

"Hey, Eve, where were you during the day? I thought we had plans to go to the gift shop earlier." said Matt.

"Oh, that's right! I guess it kinda just slipped my mind." she replied.

"Then why is that gift shop bag right by your purse?" he asked, suspicious.

"Uh..." she began, glancing towards Maria while she shrugged. "...Ria and I went to the gift shop earlier."

He put his glass down and nodded. "It slipped your mind, huh?" he asked, not looking at her.

"Matt-"

"If you didn't want to go with me, you could've just told me." he replied.

"It's not like that, Matt!" she exclaimed.

"Anyone want steak sauce?" asked Hunter.

"Eve, you've been acting strange all day! What, does it have something to do with me?" he cried.

"Well, Matt, maybe it does!" she replied.

"What is it, then? Are you mad at me about something I didn't even know I did?" he demanded.

"No, I'm mad at you for something that you never do." she replied.

"And what may that be?" he asked.

"You've never made love to me!" she announced, when Randy swallowed his drink the wrong way, Shawn nearly spat out his, Edge and Jeff looked at him in shock, the girls said nothing, and Hunter was eating like nothing was going on.

"...What?" he asked, shocked.

"Yeah, of course you'd have no idea about that." she said, storming off. "Excuse me, guys."

Matt stood there in utter confusion before Jeff asked, "Hey, you gonna be ok, dude?"

"I dunno." he replied, going back to his plate.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, Hunter spoke up, "Well, this steak sauce is amazing, isn-"

"ALL RIGHT!" they all cried.

"Sorry!" he exclaimed.

"You've never scored with her, dude?" Edge asked him.

"Look, I don't want to talk about it, all right?" he demanded. "Now let's all just sit here and be quiet."

"You're sure as hell not scoring tonight." Kelly muttered to Edge while he pouted.

"Aww!"

Then, Shawn said, "Hey, guys, do you hear something?"

"My sobs?" asked Edge.

"No, like a hissing sound. Like air escaping from a tire." he replied.

They were all quiet and looked around before Maria exclaimed, "Oh! It must've gotten in my bag!"

"What?" asked Jeff.

She ran to her purse and whipped out a medium sized black snake with orange and red stripes. "My new pet snake that I found!" she exclaimed.

Meanwhile the others (minus Hunter) were freaking out.

Shocked at his girlfriend's latest discovery, Jeff went wide eyed and dropped his fork.

"SNAKE?" cried Kelly. "Oh, my God, Ria, are you insane? I hate snakes!"

"Relax, he's not gonna bite you!" she exclaimed. "I found him outside with nothing to do!" Then, he slithered out of her hands when she cried, "Oops! Snakey, get back here!"

The snake frightened the other animals, which caused them to either attack each other or run rampant around the room. The hamster and the guinea pig hopped onto the table while everyone tried to hide their plates, while they all cried, "STOP!-Get them away from the food!"

"Hammy, Guinny, STOP!" Maria cried, diving onto the table, only to get herself messed up in the process. Puppy and Kitty were chasing each other and leaped across the table, where Puppy knocked over the punch bowl, splashing juice all over them.

"AAAAAHHH!" they cried.

The snake slithered towards them, when Kelly ran towards the bed, screaming, and Edge sped to the bed, only to be shoved off by her. He crawled under the bed where he cried, "OW!" He rolled out and cried, "Ok, that squirrel just bit the WRONG kind of nuts!"

"Hell, don't touch the fish!" Shawn cried, grabbing the buckets and high tailing it out of the room. Then, the hamster, the gerbil, and the guinea pig were all chasing each other in circles, until they leaped over Matt's head and startled Bunny, who chased them all away. The snake hissed loudly while Kelly screamed, "LOOK OUT! AAH!" before shoving Edge out of the way with Edge stumbling out next.

"Ok, things are getting too weird around here, I gotta talk to Eve, goodnight!" Matt said, heading out next.

*SLAM!*

Hunter was still eating, Randy and Candice sat there, stunned, and Jeff sighed, speechless. Maria straightened herself and grabbed the snake and placed it back in her bag before she giggled. "Haha, that went well."

"Sure." Jeff replied dully, cleaning his face with the towel. "Sure, it did."

"Jeffro, are you mad at me?" she asked, nervous.

He sighed, slammed the towel down, got up and headed towards the door before he said, "Well, I'm not happy with you, I'll tell you that." he said seriously, heading out next.

She looked hurt. "Huh? Jeff? Jeff, wait!" she cried, running after him.

"Where's the steak sauce?" cried Hunter.

"Well, some honeymoon, eh, Candy?" asked Randy.

"Yeah. Cheers." she replied, clinking her glass with his.


	37. Act 7: The Hawaiian Connection pt 4

**_AN: Well, peeps, next chapter's going to be the last one! Woo hoo! _**

* * *

**Chapter 37**

Meanwhile, Jeff stormed through the hall when Maria caught up with him. "Jeff, hold on!" she cried.

"What, Maria, what could you possibly want now? You got another pet you want to keep?" he demanded, whipping around.

"Jeff." she said, shocked that he was talking to her this way.

"Do you know how embarrassing that scene in there was?" he asked. "What the hell were you thinking, bringing in a snake?"

"I felt bad for it, so-"

"Maria, this has got to end! Now, I've been too nice lately and look where that's gotten us. I want these pets sent away, and I don't want to hear any more excuses as to why it's _the right thing to do to keep them!" _he imitated.

"But-"

"I'm not finished! Look, you can put on the waterworks as long as you want to, but it's not gonna change my mind anymore!" he continued.

"Jeff-"

"ZIP IT!" he cried, while her eyes went wide. "Now after tonight, I want that hamster, the gerbil, the guinea pig, the squirrel, the rabbit, the puppy, the cat, and ESPECIALLY that snake OUTTA here!" he cried. "Do you understand me?" he demanded, tightly gripping her arms.

Instead of being terrified, though, this turned her on and she replied, "Oh, Jeff..." before she pressed her lips against his in an intensely passionate kiss. He broke away, surprised, while she continued, "I love it when you talk so fierce like that. Take me, Jeff."

As a reply, he gazed at her before he forcefully pressed her body against his, wrapped her leg around his waist, and led her into their bedroom while she cried, "Oh, baby, dominate me!" before they slammed the door behind them. Later, after their passionate lovemaking, Maria turned to her side and hugged her pillow while Jeff lay on his back, looking towards the window. "I'm still upset with you." he announced.

"Ok." she replied, hiding a smile.

* * *

Meanwhile, Eve was in hers and Matt's room, wearing her maroon colored lingerie nightie, while straightening up the place.

Matt entered the place and looked shocked to see Eve dressed the way she was. "...Eve..." he gasped.

She turned around. "Oh, hi." she replied.

"Wow, you-you look amazing." he replied.

"Well, I'm taking this thing back tomorrow, so I just wanted to wear it for the first and last time." she replied.

"Why would you want to take it back?" he asked.

She looked at him. "Cause there's no reason in me keeping it."

"But, I want you to keep it." he replied.

"What?" she asked, surprised.

"Eve, listen. I've been thinking about what you said and you're right. We haven't…you know, yet and we've been going out for over two years." he continued.

"Why, Matt? Am I like, not appealing enough for you to go to the next level with or something?" she asked.

"No! That's not it at all." he replied, taking her hands. "You're beyond beautiful to me, you look incredible right now!"

"So how come whenever I bring up the topic, you've always changed the subject?" she asked.

"Honestly, I dunno. I didn't think you really wanted this that much." he replied.

She wrapped her arms around his neck. "I do, Matt, I really do."

"I want this too, Eve. This night's gonna be special for the both of us, and I'm damn sure gonna make up for lost time." he replied.

She smiled. "I love you."

"I love you." he smiled back, before they wrapped themselves in a passionate kiss and lowered themselves on the bed.


	38. Act 7: The Hawaiian Connection pt 5

**Chapter 38**

The next day, the girls were chatting on the beach while the guys were setting up some kind of tiki stage for a show later that night...

"Kel, you sure it's all right for you to be out here like this?" Candice asked her.

She wore a pink poncho to cover herself from any more sun damage. "Sure! I talked to a doctor last night and he said that as long as I kept myself covered, there's no harm done." she replied.

"So, you're not ready to forgive Edge, I'm guessing." replied Eve.

She sighed. "I dunno, I mean, maybe I was a little harsh on him, making him sleep on the couch and everything." she replied. "I feel a little bad for him, and I miss him."

"Then go up to him and forgive him! Before he acts like a perpetual mope!" replied Maria.

"Not yet. First, I need to know why Eve's smiling like crazy here." she said, turning to her.

"Yeah, I've noticed that, too. What's been going on ever since that outburst at the dinner table last night?" asked Candice.

"Well, girls, last night marked history. Matt and I finally made love for the first time." she smiled.

"Oh, my God, that's great!" she exclaimed.

"Congratulations!" exclaimed Kelly.

"Eve, did you follow my advice like I told you?" asked Maria.

"I did! I just told him how I felt and he totally understood. I have to tell you, he was amazing." she replied.

"Made up for lost time, huh?" asked Candice.

"Definitely. Aww, I'm so happy." she giggled. "I think the two of us are closer than we've ever been."

"Oh, Eviekins, we're so happy for you!" exclaimed Kelly. "Let's propose a toast!"

"Yeah!-Here here!" the girls exclaimed, toasting their drinks together.

"So, Ria, I've been meaning to ask you. Are things between you and Jeff all right after that little situation that happened?" asked Candice.

"What situation?" asked Eve.

"Well, you know Ria's animal collection? She added a snake to that collection and all the animals in the room just went berserk and destroyed dinner. The whole place was a total mess." explained Kelly.

"Oh, my God." Eve said, surprised. "Ria, why would you bring in a snake of all animals?"

"He was totally harmless!" she exclaimed. "Anyways, I don't really know how things are between Jeff and I. After I went after him, he was really pissed with me and kinda yelled at me, but instead of getting scared, I got really turned on by him and we ended up having sex anyway." she explained with a smile. "We didn't speak much after that."

"Oh, you two are something else." laughed Candice. "Are you gonna talk to him?"

"I really want to. I just don't want him to be mad at me forever." she replied. "Hey, Eve, look who's checking you out!"

Eve looked ahead to find Matt waving towards her, while she smiled and blew him a kiss. "Hey, baby!" she called.

Edge looked in his direction, too, and caught Kelly before shyly waving towards her.

She smirked back and said, "Girls, I'm gonna talk to him. Be right back."

As she approached him, he said, "Oh my God, you're actually coming near me? What if I like curse you again or something?"

"Funny. Listen, Edge, how much do you miss me?" she asked.

He dropped one part of the Tiki, which landed on Shawn's foot. "OW!" he cried.

"Lots and lots." he replied. "Kel, I really am sorry about what I did. I never meant to hurt you."

"I know. It was only an accident. A painful one, but whatever. Anyways, I forgive you." she smiled.

He smiled back and wrapped her in a tight hug while she winced in pain. "Ow, ow, ow!"

"Ooh, sorry. So, uh, no more back massages from me anymore, huh?" he chuckled.

"Yeah. So, uh, whatcha guys doing?" she asked.

"Volunteering to set up this stage for the luau tonight." he explained, while the piece that Hunter set down fell and began floating away in the water. "We could use all the help we can get and-HUNTER, GET THE THINGY!"

"Huh? Oh, crap!" he exclaimed, getting it back. "Ok, problem solved, who wants to help me prepare for the fish fry?" he asked, as the tiki fell down again.

"The thingy fell again, Hunter!" exclaimed Kelly.

"Aw, damn this thing!" he cried, dropping an umbrella and rushing to pick it up.

"Where should I put this thing?" Kelly asked, holding up another large Tiki.

"Uh, Kel, I don't think you should be carrying that." replied Randy.

"Why not?" she asked stumbling around with it, when Hunter accidentally bumped into her and she nearly fell back.

"Oh, my God." the girls said at the same time.

Shawn picked up the statue and swung it around, hitting Kelly on the behind. "Ow!" she cried.

"Whoops, sorry!" he called.

She stumbled over, grabbing a smaller tiki before falling on her ass. She stumbled back up, her foot got caught inside of a box and she tripped and knocked over another tiki, landing on top of it. After that, everyone stared at her while she whimpered and tossed away another box. "I don't wanna do this anymoooore!" she cried.

"Ok, ok, Kel, let us guys handle it. Want me to take you out for ice cream?" Edge asked, helping her up.

"Okay." she agreed as they headed off.

"That's our blonde." smiled Candice.

"Yeah. Hey, girls, I'm gonna take a little walk for a while, to think about things. I'll see you later, ok?" asked Maria.

"Ok!-Cheer up, Red!" Eve and Candice exclaimed.

Jeff turned around to find Maria heading off, and looked a little guilty, wanting to follow her.

* * *

A few minutes later, Maria was horseback riding down a trail, thinking about her situation with Jeff...

"What a beautiful place, eh, girl?" she asked her horse. "You must have it so lucky. You never have to deal with anything, all you get to do all day is graze around and just enjoy life without a care in the world. *sigh* I just wish life were that simple for me. Hehe, you're such a good listener. I don't know what to do. I think my boyfriend hates me because of something that I did, but I don't know whether to talk to him or wait for him to talk to me." she continued, when Jeff (also on horseback) joined her.

"I don't hate you, Red." he replied with a smile.

She smiled. "Hey, you!" she greeted.

"Hey! So uh, how you doing?" he asked.

"Ok, I guess. You?" she replied.

"Same here. Beautiful day, isn't it?" he asked.

"Totally. Y'know, this is a great place for two people to just chill without anyone interrupting them." replied Maria.

"Yeah, it is." he agreed. "Uh, I'm surprised that you're still even speaking to me after how I acted."

"No, you had every right to yell at me last night. I made a complete moron of myself and I embarrassed you." she replied, getting off of the horse while he did the same. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too, Ria." he replied, taking her hand as they walked. "I shouldn't have blown up at you about all the pets. I was a little stressed out, I guess."

"Well, you gotta admit, the sex was great, wasn't it?" she giggled.

He laughed. "It was."

"Babe, I was thinking about what you told me last night and you were right. So earlier today, I took all the animals to the nearest animal shelter where I know they'll be really happy." she announced.

"Oh, Ria, I know that must've been hard for you, but I am so proud of you." he smiled.

"Thanks. I'm proud of me, too." she replied.

"So, uh, you really got rid of all of em, huh?"

"Well, no, I kept Random Kitty for me and Random Puppy for you. I've seen how attached you two've become." she smiled.

"Yes!" he cheered silently. "Yeah, in some way over the past couple of days, I've grown to him. He baptized me by peeing on my leg, so I just can't let him go after that." he chuckled while she laughed.

She looked back and said, "Y'know, I've always wanted a pet horse, too..."

"Ria..." he began.

"Kidding!" she laughed.

He laughed back and said, "Baby, I do have to say this. Even though you go a little overboard sometimes, I love how you'd do just about anything to make others happy. You're amazing, Skittle, and I shouldn't have yelled at you for it. I love you."

She smiled and replied, "Hey, that's what I do best. And I love you, too, Enigma."

After that, he brushed away a strand of her hair before the two leaned in and shared another intoxicating kiss, while she ran her fingers through his hair and he grabbed her waist, holding her as close to him as possible.

* * *

That evening, to celebrate their last night there, the gang were sitting outside, enjoying a fish fry while watching the Hawaiian dancers during the luau on the beach...

"Wow, you guys weren't kidding, this fish is great!" exclaimed Edge.

"Ah, nothing like a fresh filet to lighten spirits!" exclaimed Hunter. "I'm really gonna miss this place, though."

"It sure as hell beats going to the White House, _HUNTER, _and getting ourselves nearly killed, thank you." Shawn replied, glaring at him.

"Will you get off that? We ended up surviving, didn't we?" he asked.

"You probably broke the Constitution or something." he muttered.

"We're DX! We're the only ones allowed to break the Constitution! In fact, let's create our own Constitution! Like, all glow sticks will be permitted into entering a place, or if you refuse to wear green, you'll be arrested, and if you don't have a poster of your leaders, HBK and HHH in every house, your house will be demolished!" he exclaimed.

"Well, you'd have a lot of people trying to kill you, then." chuckled Randy.

"My thoughts exactly." muttered Shawn.

"Oh, whatever! Anyone got the hot sauce?" asked Hunter.

"Anyways, I'm really glad we decided to go on this road trip, you guys." announced Candice. "We were on a game show and won over $6,000, Randy and I've nearly gotten married...

"Matt and I are tighter than we were before..." Eve smiled, while he wrapped his arms around her.

"My Enigma and I have two new pets..." added Maria, playing with Random Kitty and Random Puppy.

"We robbed a bank and got in a high speed chase with a criminal..." added Jeff, who held her in his arms.

"I got fake implants, whoo!" laughed Kelly.

"And I've gotten my ass kicked by a bunch of Renaissance dudes wearing tights and dresses." Edge grumbled. "But I don't regret it."

"And to think that this whole trip would've been a total disaster." smirked Randy, while the others laughed. "If Matt and I hadn't jumped the car over that bridge, none of this would've happened."

"Speaking of the car, how are we gonna pay Rent A Car back for it? It must've been about $35 grand." said Matt.

"Easy. Just tell them that you drove it into the lake and the sharks got to it." replied Hunter.

"And you expect them to believe that?" he asked.

"It worked for Shawn and I when-" he began.

"Please, dude, don't tell them." he replied.

"We really have to have another road trip like this soon." Candice smiled, smiling towards Randy. "Let's propose another toast. To us!"

"To us!-Yeah! Here here!" they agreed, clinking their glasses together. After that, each couple began making out, while Shawn and Hunter awkwardly looked around.

"So, uh..." began Shawn.

"Don't think about it, dude." he replied dully.

* * *

**_AN: So that concludes the rollercoaster that was Our Big Fat Crazy Road Trip! Just wanted to thank EVERYONE who reviewed, favorited, alerted, etc! You guys rock!_**


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